Ex MIL problems

scooby088

There are times in life where you need to cut the cord so to say, as soon as i reached your daughters age i wouldn't spend anytime with my grandparents and i didn't. I would say that you are an angel but now you need to be more selfish towards what you want, in reality you needn't do anything for your ex mil. I personally wouldn't be so accommodating and i think now is the time to begin to push her to arms length.

Savvy_Sue

joeblack066 wrote: »

Unfortunately my ex husband died 3 years ago on Christmas Day( DD was with him when he had a heart attack), then ex FIL died 10 months later.

That's unfortunate, but it's hardly your DD's fault, and at least this is a better time of year than some others to maybe be brutally honest to your ex MIL.

OK, 2 years isn't a long time to be widowed, and she will still be working through the grieving process, but maybe you should ask her if she realises that your DD wants to know why SHE is responsible for her grandma's happiness? Is that what she wants?

When she phones for a moan, ask what she's going to do about the situation? If she's lonely, what is SHE going to do about it, sit and wait for a visitor or get out to a club or day centre?

gizmo111

I have always stayed on goos terms with my Ex in laws and they have been very supportive of me after the initial break up and their obvious loyalty to their son, however even if they hadn't bothered with me then I woulld never have kept the grandchildren from them, mostly because my girls love their grandparents but also because I know if the boot had been on the other foot and they were living with dad it would have killed my mum to have her grandchildren witheld from her. They have always had them Fridays after school and sometimes in the week - pick them up from school. feed thm and bring them back around 7.30. My eldest (now 17) got fed up with this around age 14 and just preferred to visit when she felt like it - always letting them know first, but in the past year she has gone back to going on the set night in the week after college for tea and rings the grandparents for a chat in the week.
Next Sunday they are coming to me for lunch (mothers day) and xmas they spend either xmas eve or xmas day with us - they even came to my gaduation with us!
I will be as upset when I lose these 2 as I was when I lost my own parents.
I suppose what I am saying to the OP is let your child get the balance of contact that she is comfortable with and manage the relationship you have with your ex MIL as you would any one else and not out of guilt or duty.

Hope this makes sense>

Mojisola

gizmo111 wrote: »

I suppose what I am saying to the OP is let your child get the balance of contact that she is comfortable with and manage the relationship you have with your ex MIL as you would any one else and not out of guilt or duty.

Your whole post was great but this bit lays it out exactly right!

joeblack066

Following on from all the helpful replies, I have to tell MIL today that my DD does not want to stay over anymore. This is going to be an awful conversation, and I am dreading it, but I know it needs to be done. My biggest worry is that MIL will 'lose the will to live', and then DD will blame herself? I have to do this tho. Any words of support guys? X

gratefulforhelp_2

Well, number one, hugs. number two can you word it so that "DD isn't going to be staying over for a while, its her age, she needs to spread her wings and socialise more with her friends, teenagers need more time to themselves" rather than "DD isn't staying again".

If MIL kicks off, then maybe gently say to her "we both need to realise our relationship with DD will change as she becomes an adult, and we need to allow her more freedom and make ourselves people she really wants to be with" so she realises she isn't alone in this (even if she is!).

This is something MIL and you would have to go through even if you hadn't had such tragic bereavements, isn't it?

burnoutbabe

joeblack066 wrote: »

I know she will be on the phone to all and sundry moaning about me but I can deal with that!

but who are these all and sundry she will be moaning to and why can't they go and see her/help her out?

joeblack066

burnoutbabe wrote: »

but who are these all and sundry she will be moaning to and why can't they go and see her/help her out?

Ah well, therein lies another story. There's flippin loads of them, all very good at bleating but not at doing!

gratefulforhelp - I think I will use near enough those words, thank you so much :-)

gizmo111

joeblack066 wrote: »

Following on from all the helpful replies, I have to tell MIL today that my DD does not want to stay over anymore. This is going to be an awful conversation, and I am dreading it, but I know it needs to be done. My biggest worry is that MIL will 'lose the will to live', and then DD will blame herself? I have to do this tho. Any words of support guys? X

I made a joke of it saying that she was either out all the time or I had a house full of teenagers and I had to make an appointment with her myself to get her on her own, the grand parents took it fine and still rang every week to see if she wanted to visit and for a chat and in fact were pleased that she was a normal teenager with a social life suitable for her age. My aunty smothered her grandaughter same age as mine and eventually everytime she visited the child said she had piles of homework and went up to her room because she felt under so much pressure to fill her grandmothers life.

Good Luck - your daughter's needs and wishes are your priority here don't let her feel under pressure to keep her grandmother 'alive' - you're not banning contact just going through a natural phase in your daughters way of managing adult family relationships.

Wintersmyth77

joeblack066 wrote: »

Hi guys. I posted a couple years ago about the problems I was having re DD visiting ex MIL- she used to stay over 2 nights a week but at nearly 13 didn't want to. I got some excellent advice and DD cut down to 1 night. Fast forward to now, and the situation is barely tolerable. My ex MIL turns everything round to be all about her. Case in point, DD had perforated appendix with major surgery 4 weeks ago, MIL moans how alone she's been. DD hasn't been to stay as when she does she has to sleep on the sofa and this is not comfortable. MIL moans about this. We go round 2/3 times a week, I do jobs for her, take her on hol 2 times a year, take her on day trips, and she still moans. DD is at the stage where she just doesn't want to go any more "why am I solely responsible for Grandmas happiness?" she says. There are 7 other grandchildren, all adults, her own daughter has just had maxilofacial surgery for cancer, and MIL moans that she's not been up! I just can't cope with her anymore, does anyone have any advice as to what I can do?

Is you ex MIL disabled? That's the only reason I can think of the I would dedicate all this time to her. If you are doing it because you enjoy the time you spend with her maybe you should tell her that all her complaints are making this time very unpleasant and that this is making you want to spend less time with her. If you're doing this out of obligation then stop, inform her that she is free to visit your daughter when it is convenient for your daughter and that your daughter will visit her when convenient. I take it your daughter is about 15 now and living her own life, her gran should understand this. You don't have to keep your outlaws you know, no matter how lonely they are. The other thing you have to consider is what happens when your daughter moves out or stops going on holiday with you, will you still take your ex MIL then?