Ex MIL problems

RAS

joeblack066 wrote: »

Unfortunately my ex husband died 3 years ago on Christmas Day( DD was with him when he had a heart attack), then ex FIL died 10 months later.

Hi

I am sorry to hear about your, DD's and ex-MIL's losses, which must be hard for you all.

However, it may be time for ex-MIL to start making her own way in the world rather than depending on other people. I appreciate it is hard for people who have been widowed late in life, but maybe find out what is available socially and suggest she does some volunteer work.

Otherwise, sooner or later, you or DD will explode and then the situation will be even harder.

I appreciate that it is very hard; my mother was of a similiar mind; it was our responsibility to make her happy although we were never to expect her to tell us what she wanted. Eventually I realised she would never be happy whatever we did and ploughed my own furrow.

Your DD does not need to be guilt-tripped by this woman; it is not DDs fault that both her dad and grand-dad had the temerity to pop their clogs when granny still needed them.

joeblack066

You are all right in what you say, good advice here as ever! MIL won't do anything to help herself, she isn't very mobile but has a mobility scooter and will ocassionally go into town. She won't join any clubs or day centres, tbh I think she likes being able to moan! I found lunch clubs, bingo and all sorts the last time things were getting bad, and she refused them all. She needs to understand that DD is 14 not 4, and it is normal for teenagers to want their own life! DD struggles enough with bullying at school without these pressures! I will try to find ways to pull away, to try and make MIL do more for herself. I know she will be on the phone to all and sundry moaning about me but I can deal with that!

tanith

I am walking that same path with my ex-mil, but from the start (she has been estranged from my ex, her son and her daughter for over 4yrs now) I made it clear what what I could and couldn't do, this consists of weekly phone calls, and a overnight stay once a month to take her food shopping and an outing to a garden centre etc.. at first she tried to rope me into doing more but I resisted and now we have come to a bit of a truce . She has no one else is virtually housebound and lives 60 miles away so she knows she had to keep me onside.
Both you and your daughter have to make it clear to her that if she doesn't rein in her behaviour then you will be even more reluctant to help/visit. I don't envy you and I know how manipulative someone in her position can be... just be strong and know that you are doing a lot more for her than many others would do.. My ex and I have been divorced for over 20yrs and my family think I am bonkers to still be helping her out but she has no one else and it just feels right that someone should take responsiblity for my childrens remaining grandparent and if her own children won't do it then it has to be me..

Mojisola

joeblack066 wrote: »

You are all right in what you say, good advice here as ever! MIL won't do anything to help herself, she isn't very mobile but has a mobility scooter and will ocassionally go into town. She won't join any clubs or day centres, tbh I think she likes being able to moan! I found lunch clubs, bingo and all sorts the last time things were getting bad, and she refused them all. She needs to understand that DD is 14 not 4, and it is normal for teenagers to want their own life! DD struggles enough with bullying at school without these pressures! I will try to find ways to pull away, to try and make MIL do more for herself. I know she will be on the phone to all and sundry moaning about me but I can deal with that!

I think you'll both be better off for it and so will MIL if she makes an effort.

Persevere with suggesting clubs, etc. My parents had an AgeUK worker come to the house to tell them about what's available. Would she take it better coming from someone else?

Wean her off her dependence gradually but don't always be on the end of phone. Let it go to messages sometimes and phone back when it's best for you.

joeblack066

I will get in touch with Age UK, thx for that! :-)

gratefulforhelp_2

joeblack066 wrote: »

Unfortunately my ex husband died 3 years ago on Christmas Day( DD was with him when he had a heart attack), then ex FIL died 10 months later.

So sorry to hear that. She needs it pointed out to her then that she shouldn't abuse the person/people who have been there for her?

sjc3

joeblack066 wrote: »

Unfortunately my ex husband died 3 years ago on Christmas Day( DD was with him when he had a heart attack), then ex FIL died 10 months later.

Im very sorry for all your losses. Gosh my other post probably seems a bit insensitive now, sorry if I caused any offence. I still think for your sake you need to address how your ex mil treats you and your daughter. Hope you manage to resolve things so as future contact can be a pleasure and not a chore.

joeblack066

sjc3 wrote: »

Im very sorry for all your losses. Gosh my other post probably seems a bit insensitive now, sorry if I caused any offence. I still think for your sake you need to address how your ex mil treats you and your daughter. Hope you manage to resolve things so as future contact can be a pleasure and not a chore.

Not at all, you weren't to know!

1more?

joe if mil is a winger i doubt anybody will take any notice of her rants about you because no doubt they hear it everytime somebody doesnt bow down to her every want (not need)!!!!

my dd is 14 & wouldnt want to spend more than 1/2 hr in the company of anybody old me included unless they was spending money on new clothes for her or driving her around:rotfl:

Caroline_a

Having been married twice I had the misfortune to have 2 wingeing MiLs!! I found the best thing to do was to ensure that my life and my children's life came first! If they moaned about it i just said 'Oh dear'. but never offered any other solution. I have to say that neither of them ever stopped moaning, but eventually they realised that both I and the children had our own lives and they had to have theirs. Both went on to pester other family members with their woes....

Be strong, as you know you won't ever be able to do enough for her. So please yourself, and let your daughter maker her own choices. MiL will have to deal with that enough if your daughter moves away to go to university in a few years!