Massive debt, think husband will leave.

Hannah_10

The advice you have been given is sound, but to go over and make some very basic points for you to get started with:

1. Make a full and totally frank list of your debts, no rounded figures or little ones left off. Include any overdrafts.
2. Contact the CCCS, National Debtline or similar, see this: Debt Problems: What to do & where to get help (the video by martin can be very comforting so watch that too).
3. Open a basic bank account with a bank which has no links to anywhere you bank now. If you aren't sure then ask us if we know of a link between any of your creditors and the new bank. Lots of us have looked into it at least a bit.

I hope people don't mind me repeating them, but from personal experience after my LBM I needed things put in clear, simple steps because I was so upset and not able to focus.

It's hard to face up to a debt problem and I think you're really strong for doing it. You are setting a brilliant example to your children right now do you know that? My mother used to throw her hands up and fall on the mercy of my grandparents when she was in trouble- I left home with no crisis skills, I have had to learn the hard way and oh the extra problems that caused! There you are showing your children in a clear and copy-able way, how to deal with the brown stuff when it hits the fan. You are stronger than you realise. You just need to take some steps, a little at a time, and work your way through. Every step you take brings you closer to your debt free day. You can do this. I dare say all of us have been where you are right now emotionally (or at least, most of us). I promise it gets easier. You will read a lot on this journey, and learn a lot. Bit by bit you will find yourself putting together a really good working knowledge of the solution you adopt (the charities in the article I linked you will help you find the right one). One day you will be coming round here telling someone else that it gets better and the steps they need to take. :grouphug:

mufc689908

18 large isnt that much.

Mrs_Trouble

I'm so glad you came back and let us know how you got on.

For what it's worth my Husband slept on the settee for three nights after he found out and only spoke to me to ask me basic questions - he didn't shout but he was very hurt and upset.

Give him time, be productive whilst he is coming to terms with it - you have come clean now, hopefully you can move on. You will also find that by speaking to the CCCS you will feel better and as if you can control this and sort it out. Knowledge of what you can do is very empowering and a confidence booster.

Although I was in the same position as you, I understand how my Husband feels a little more now, the times I said we could afford things when we couldn't etc - he was perhaps foolish to believe me but maybe he trusted me?

And no you are not stupid!

tabby_cats_mum

I know you think that you haven't much to show for it but if you look back at receipts you'll find the cost of living has sky rocketed. My OH leaves me to deal with all the finances and he won't have a joint account so gives me "house keeping" ( a generous amount as well). I pay for everything out of my account (except things like new kitchens, he saves and pays for big things!). I couldn't understand how my CC was getting bigger and I wasn't able to pay it all back when I felt I was being much more careful then I compared receipts! The monthly food bill has risen by at least a quarter, filling the car has nearly doubled in the last few months, the kids clothes have increased in price, utilities have gone up, I could go on.
You both need to sit down and look at the household expenditure, no ones at fault as such it's just the way of the world. Plus it is only money and people on here have cleared far bigger debts in a short space of time.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your hubby will come round hopefully and this might make you stronger. Post your SOA and the great folks on here will see savings you wouldn't notice.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Heyman_2

Don't worry about accounting for some or any of the money - what's done is done, and you are where you are.

You stand the best chance of working this situation out by taking positive action now to get things resolved with the debt, i.e. following some of the really good advice given above. If you can do this off your own back then when it comes to the time to sit down with your husband to properly talk about things, he will see at least be able to see that you have already started to get things sorted out. Confine it to your own income/situation at the moment - don't start looking at 'household' income just yet as he may well see that as presumptive.

What is TERRIBLE advice on here is people saying that it's in some way your husband's fault as well - have to agree with bitemebankers that it's a position that would only result in more conflict. If I were you, I'd not even let that thought enter my head and concentrate on the outcome you want i.e. both of you dealing with the problem together and staying together!

bugslet

mufc689908 wrote: »

18 large isnt that much.

That reather depends on how much income you have and your own personal perspective on debt and money. For some people 5K is a lot, for others it would be nothing. But if it causes the individual poster a problem, then it's a problem.

i agree mostly with heyman that to suggest that it's your husbands fault is not a useful point from which to start a conversation. Ultimately it is you that has spent the money and chosen to ( no criticism there!), but stupid girl ( how about 'stupid but getting smart' for a name;)), seems to have spent money on things that benefit the whole family. If Mr Bugslet spent money on on new carpet or weekends away, I'd have a broad idea of cost and how he had the money. But again, everyone is different, I think the OH has been a little naive about expenditure. Just my take.

Given that his main problem is the debt rather than the deceit, then putting aplan together with the help of all these fine people on the board will show that there is a way to deal with it and that you are taking the problem seriously and doing something about it. He's probably afraid of the unknown because he's only had a couple of days to get his head round it. Once he can see a way forward, he may not be a happy bunny, but I think he'll work with you.

All the best of luck and if we all named ourselves stupidgirl/boy and a number we'd be in to six digit names:o

Schwade

stupidgirl5 wrote: »

Bizarrely, when I said how sorry I am for lying, he said it isn't the fact that I have not been honest, but the worry of the debt itself that he doesn't think he can cope with.

That's actually a good sign since it is not about your relationship.

He is now just thinking like a guy - i.e. he is trying to see how to fix this problem you created.

What you need to do now is show him you have a plan. Tell him exactly what you are doing and how you are doing it and what the next steps are. AND PUT YOUR WORDS INTO ACTION.

Post SOA, and listen to the advice from the posters here. There are people on this board that has more debt than you which has recovered.

You can get through this one step at a time.

As for your husband, he will come around when he can see you are making a commitment to your family by not spending.

Googlewhacker

mufc689908 wrote: »

18 large isnt that much.

Yes but add it to the 20k they jointly have it maks 38k which in anyones book is large

bitemebankers

Thanks for the update, SG. You've got a rocky road ahead but, arguably, you've done the hardest part. Admitting you've got a problem and feeling the crushing shame is probably the worst part of the process. I think you've been really brave and if nothing else, your husband must be able to see this.

Excellent advice from Schwade (above) and others. Now is the time for action, to move forward and start putting things right. I think the thing to focus on now is how much better you're going to feel when you've got a plan in place for dealing with this debt. Trust me, it will feel like a massive load has been taken off.

Heyman_2

Schwade wrote: »

He is now just thinking like a guy - i.e. he is trying to see how to fix this problem you created.

As a 'guy' myself, I'd say he's probably not at that stage yet - probably more just coming out of the annoyed, upset and confused stage! Probably still just trying to get his head around it all and decide what he wants to do next.

In all likelihood though, the 'fix the problem' stage will be next.