Massive debt, think husband will leave.

stupidgirl5

Hi, I have just told my husband about my massive debts totalling £18k and after exploding, not speaking to me for what feels like an eternity, I think he's going to leave me.

I've always been crap with money and he is the opposite, but has always left me in charge of our finances. He knew we had approx £20k in joint names, which he was already furious about, but I only told him about the debt I have seperately tonight.

We have been married for 20 years and have two children, but I think this may be the final straw, I genuinely feel suicidal right now and don't know what to do. He won't speak to me at all, I just tried again and he just looked at me full of hate and left the room.

Inevitably he asked where the money has gone and I simply just don't know, I can account for some, but to be honest it's not even half of it. The main reason for telling him is because I am now having difficulty meeting the payments, I don't get paid until the end of the month and my account is on it's overdraft limit. As soon as I get paid next month, virtually all my salary will be gone, I haven't even told him that bit

inkslinger

Oh dear. I really do think you need to go speak to someone and the quicker the better. Perhaps Citizens advice would be the first port of call. You have a problem if your spending this way and that needs putting right, but immediately for the sake of your kids, you need to see what you can do about getting some of the companies you owe money to to freeze the interest and come to some arrangements about paying thats going to let you have bread on the table.

Not maybe what you want to hear but you need to take the bull by the horns and doing something about this before it gets completely out of hand and engulfs you.

sunny-2009

Hi there,

Ok firstly well done for confessing, it is one of the hardest things to do when telling a partner about debt, been there myself. Give your husband time to calm down and if he is good with money, then hopefully he can help you to get through it.

gettingbackontrack

First of all - a big hug because a) you're not stupid (look at how many of us are here - we all have debts), and b) this will work out. I know things seem bad right now but you;ve done an amazing thing by opening up to your husband with the truth. Martin Lewis says he's never known a debt that can't be fixed. Please, please don;t do anything drastic. You will get lots of help here from people who know much more than me about fixing debts, and also a lot of emotional support to help you through this difficult time.

You're husband is in shock - he;s bound to be angry but having read of many posters on here who dreaded telling their OH about their debt, after the initial shock/anger/disappointment/worry it turns out for the best. I'm not trying to trivialise your situation - just trying to reassure you that whereas you've had the debt on your mind for a long time, it's new to him and he may take some time to readjust.

Is there someone you can talk to? Friend, relative, or your doctor? Thsi will be sorted - your wellbeing is the most important things, for your own sake as well as your family's.

Re your debts, can you contact one of the free advice services? National Debtline, CCS and Payplan will all offer good advice and a way forward when you can't see one. Please get some professional advice to help as you can't bear the burden of this alone.

Take care of yourself. X

Mrs_Trouble

Well done for telling him, as the other poster says please just give him some time to calm down and let it sink in. As my Husband pointed out to me I had had a long time to come to terms with my debt, he was told about it out of the blue and this will be a huge shock to him I imagine? - it will take time but I am sure you will be ok.

I understand how hard it can be to identify where the money has gone, but as you are married with children I assume much of it went on day to day living for your family? He obviously knew you had problems with money before so perhaps he should have taken more of an interest in the organisation of finances and where money was coming from as well?

Whilst he is calming down, call CCCS tomorrow and speak to them to see if they can help. My husband was far calmer once I started putting a plan into place and being proactive.

I really do understand what a terrible place you and your Husband are in at the moment. From experience, I would write down all the debts so it is all clear and nothing can bite you later that you haven't told him.

For now just try and leave him to digest what you have told him. Over a week ago I was in your position, ready to pack a bag or jump off the nearest bridge, my life has turned around since then and I am no longer scared of the post, phonecalls or sleeping.

Take care

supersavershal

Ahh bless you, you must be feeling awful tonight.Your husband will calm down, he is just angry and you have done the right thing by being honest with him.Have a good sleep tonight and tomorrow start to make a plan for clearing this debt, there is lots of help and advice on here.
We have all been there, I have debt and couldnt tell you half the things I bought that caused it, we are not here to judge just to help.Hope you are ok.

stupidgirl5

Thank you all so much. It helps to know someone is there, at the moment I can't even breathe, everything is spinning and I want to go out in the car but don't trust myself. I just want him to say something, apart from get out of my sight

A lot of it has gone on the children, especially my daughter. Several times over the last couple of years he has mentioned how did I pay for the new carpet etc, but didn't persue when I brushed it off.

I feel like such an idiot, I just wish I'd told him a few years ago when I got the first credit card, he would have nipped it in the bud then. I just can't stop seeing his face when he was yelling at me.

I haven't slept in weeks, which he knows but hasn't really questioned. I work really long hours and everyone at work has been saying for months they can see me sinking and asking whats wrong, but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.

sunny-2009

As others have said, you should seek some help. Citizens advice will give you the help you need. You have nothing to be ashamed of, even the most perfect of people can slip up so dont beat yourself up.

belfastgirl23

Right now focus on the fact that you have just done a really really hard thing and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. The very strong likelihood is that this is the absolute worst bit and that from here on you will be able to gradually release the pressure on yourself.

Whilst of course this is your responsibility, I don't think you should necessarily shoulder all of the blame. Your husband has been content to sit back and let things happen. He has obviously had suspicions but hasn't wanted to pursue them. I think when he calms down (which might take a few days) you really need to sit down as a couple and talk about what went wrong. I'm guessing you've both been enjoying the kind of lifestyle that the debt funded in one way or another and you will need to come to an agreement about how to proceed. Debt counselling might be an idea for the initial phase.

I also noticed you mentioning spending on the children. Obviously there's a level of spending that's necessary but if this is your weak point, this is something you really need to think about.

Good luck!

Craig_W_2

Big hugs, stupidgirl5.

Forgive yourself; we all make mistakes. This is your opporunity to start learning to become clevergirl5. Grasp it with both hands and make yourself and your loved ones a brighter future.

Good luck (though luck has nothing to do with it).

IndigoBlue_2

Craig_W wrote: »

Big hugs, stupidgirl5.

Forgive yourself; we all make mistakes. This is your opporunity to start learning to become clevergirl5. Grasp it with both hands and make yourself and your loved ones a brighter future.

Good luck (though luck has nothing to do with it).

This post made me smile as it was along the same realms of what I was about to post.

OP - Seriously contact the CCCS, they are good peoples