Teenage son about to throw his future away

jennyjelly

Mollycat13 wrote: »

As far as the finances go, unfortunately it is relevant. He is meant to be doing a further two year course starting in September. When he's finished, the girls would be just turned 7 and 4 (due to start school) by this time, my (almost £600 per month) childcare charges would be virtually zero.
Also, if he gets decent qualifications, he would (hopefully) get a good job and would be contributing to the finances. I would have a couple of pay rises too and hopefully my husband would be in a better job.
Finances aren't my only worry in all this but it makes my post fit the 'moneysaving' box. I'm am more worried about him burning bridges and not realising his full potential. I so want him to be the best he can be but he won't listen and I can't get through to him.

I really don't think he's depressed, he's just a quiet lad. I try not to treat him like a child but he seems to lack the resposible thinking. Doesn't seem to realise that he'll be tired if he doesn't get enough sleep etc.

I am actually quite upset at the assumption that I can't manage the family income.

We have NO debt and never have had any.
My husbands job costs almost as much in fuel as he earns and the company don't pay expenses. Care work. He's applying for jobs in care homes which won't cost so much in fuel.
I try my best to shop cheap (Aldi)
I pay all the bills by direct debit.
We have no contract mobiles and I only spend about £10 every three months on PAYG.
We would actually be better off if my husband didn't work but that's not an option.

So, if my son was to walk out of college with few prospects, it would affect my ability to feed us and heat the house etc.

I am just looking for advice on how best to get through to him. Not accusations that it's all about money. It's not!

Before you accuse me of being harsh, you should know that I've been there. Against our advice my son made his decision to get out and get a job and is now happily working and has really grown up. Not everyone is cut out for college, and not every drop-out is doomed to idleness and failure.

Please please please support him in deciding what is right for him, not what suits your finances. Don't assume he will just sit around, if you give him the chance he might surprise you, as mine did. And while he is waiting he may well qualify for early JSA until he is 18, so he can still ask him to contribute.

You chose to have two younger children and the childcare costs that go with them, why should your son have to stay on a course he isn't happy with to finance it? Your household finances are not really his responsibility but if you are making him feel that they are it's no wonder he is unhappy.

He is 17 and able to make his decisions about his future and shouldn't have to factor in your having more children than you can afford.

It's hard enough being 17 without they weight of someone else's problems.

Zoetoes

cheepskate wrote: »

These 2 bits stick out for me.

Family finances in the respect of what benefits you get and how you manage them has got nothing to do with his attending school/college, but this should be a totally seperate issue in you managing your family income.

As ffor the bed time. He is 17 , at that age i dont think you should be "telling" him to do the things you say. Thats what you do with a young child, not with an adult.

Just my views on a few things, maybe you are still treating him like a young child and need to let him make his own decisions.
In making his own decisions you can be creative and lead him into how he thinks and ultimetly what choices he makes.

He is part of the family and if he chooses to drop out of college then he must find employment and contribute.

Let him make his own decisions for his future yes but not let him drop out and do nothing.

Allowing him to drop out of college and not contribute to the cost of living at home while his parents look after him would be treating him like a child.

It sounds to me that the OP is trying to steer him on the right path for his future and show him that in real life you have to work for what you want!

tomandgary

it appears that you have come here for advise but are not willing to accept it, mollycat13.

when you say things like "hes a quiet lad" it gives me the feeling he is not open with you. so how would you not know hes depressed? he could be being bullied at college and not want to talk about it.

maybe he is depressed, how would you know? it can be hard to tell you know. the happiest chatty person can be depressed.

when i was in school i was struggling with the fact i knew i was gay. whenever a girl walked past id say "hey hey hey id tap that" like the rest of the boys, but really it was the boys i was looking at and saying "hey honey honey"

i retreated into my self and became depressed but no one would have knew.

your son could be depressed. does he have a good relationship with his father? he could be gay.

marvic31

If he is not interesetd in college then I would be saying to him, as long as you get a job or apprentiship then you can leave college.

From personal experience I did not really like college either, but was pressured by parents to go as it was the "correct way of doing things". Get a qualification, get a job. People do thing differently nowadays. He can always go back to college when he is older at nights or do part time courses if he feels he needs to.

Maybe getting a job will boost his confidence and become more social. Dropping out of college is not the end of the world. It was only when I started working that my social life got better with work nights out etc and my confidence grew.


I dont think it is very fair that you are putting all this financial pressure on a 17 year old. Is he aware that if he drops out then the family finances will suffer?

Gavin83

I was one of those people who dropped out of college and I was actually pretty good at school and expected to get a good degree. Admittedly I did mess about for 6 months or so but in the end I got a job. That was about 6 years ago now and these days Im in an extremely good job earning a great wage, earning just as much, if not more than those around me with degrees. My point is higher education isn't everything, not everybody is cut out for it and as long as you apply yourself in other ways you can achieve what you wish to.

Admittedly higher education does open other doors and make life easier but it isn't the end of the world if your son doesn't choose this route. Even my parents admit that I've done well for myself these days and they were dead against it at the time.

property.advert

Damage already done in reality and he needs to get a grip and you need to stop treating him like a child. "too ill for school" - what sort of cobblers is that ? Now he is a lazy layabout teenager who has not been taught the work ethic.

Kick him out and tell him to get a job, or at least threaten to. We need thousands of sparkies and plumbers. Loads of cash in it too and no student loans to worry about.

Rolandtheroadie

Sister went through this with my neice.
College because she felt that was what was expected of her, gained nothing, dropped out, never worked.
Now? Working 3 jobs part time whilst trying to secure a full time job.
All you can do is be there and encourage. Theres no point in him wasting time at college if his hearts not in it. Hopefully one day he'll come good, unfortunately there could be a lot of heartache before that happens.

Zoetoes

tomandgary wrote: »

it appears that you have come here for advise but are not willing to accept it, mollycat13.

when you say things like "hes a quiet lad" it gives me the feeling he is not open with you. so how would you not know hes depressed? he could be being bullied at college and not want to talk about it.

maybe he is depressed, how would you know? it can be hard to tell you know. the happiest chatty person can be depressed.

when i was in school i was struggling with the fact i knew i was gay. whenever a girl walked past id say "hey hey hey id tap that" like the rest of the boys, but really it was the boys i was looking at and saying "hey honey honey"

i retreated into my self and became depressed but no one would have knew.

your son could be depressed. does he have a good relationship with his father? he could be gay.

How has this gone from he can't be bothered to go in to college to being gay??

Zoetoes

I agree college isn't the only option but if he leaves he needs to realise he can't just leave and do nothing.

And from what the OP has said he didn't do too well in his GCSE's so may find it very difficult to get a job, especially with the way things are at the moment. And he certainly needs to stay and resit his maths GCSE as maths and English will be required by most employers.

shop-to-drop

I would also agree that he can leave college when he has something else lined up. I wouldn't be surprised if his problem is addition to something he does on the computer (World of Warcraft or similar). If he drops out and does nothing this will escalate he will probably start to sleep through the day and be on the computer all night. Won't leave the house at all without being pushed. Have a google about this kind of addition and see if you can get advice on stopping it.

I think it is such a shame that so few teenagers get parttime jobs these days as it does a lot for building up a work ethic and confidence etc. Hopefully with your support he will get through this and it will just have been a teenage phase. Good Luck to you.