Teenage son about to throw his future away

Mollycat13

I'm sorry if this is a long one but I'm at the end of my tether.

My son is 17 and is doing an IT course at college as well as re-sitting his Maths GCSE.

When he was in yr11, we had a few difficult months where he often said he was too ill for school. The doctor said it was school phobia. He managed to get some GCSE's but could have done so much better had he attended school regularly.

Fast-forward a year, his attendance at college is at 80%. He's refused to go in today. He says he doesn't like the course. I've asked what he will do if he quits college. He says he'd like to do an apprenticeship in IT. I've told him to at least finish the course so he has an IT qualification.

I can just see him throwing it all away and not being able to get a job. He's not a sociable lad. He's glued to his computer instead of seeing friends. He's also not very confident so would really struggle with customer faceing or phone work.

I just don't know where to turn with him.

I've told him that if he quits college, he'll have to get a job and pay his way but I reckon he'll just plod along doing nothing. Also, if he quits, I'll lose his child related benefits and as we're struggling as it is, this would tighten the noose around the family finances.

I've always tried to instill a good work ethic in him. The only times I haven't worked in his lifetime were when he was pre-school (and I studied instead) and when on maternity leave with his sisters (4 and 2). My husband (his sted-dad) just stays out of it.
I think I've probably been too soft on him so now he won't do as I tell him. e.g. go to bed at a resonable time etc.

Anyone know how to give him a wake up call.

Thank you for reading this far.

welshmoneylover

Mollycat13 wrote: »

I'm sorry if this is a long one but I'm at the end of my tether.

My son is 17 and is doing an IT course at college as well as re-sitting his Maths GCSE.

When he was in yr11, we had a few difficult months where he often said he was too ill for school. The doctor said it was school phobia. He managed to get some GCSE's but could have done so much better had he attended school regularly.

Fast-forward a year, his attendance at college is at 80%. He's refused to go in today. He says he doesn't like the course. I've asked what he will do if he quits college. He says he'd like to do an apprenticeship in IT. I've told him to at least finish the course so he has an IT qualification.

I can just see him throwing it all away and not being able to get a job. He's not a sociable lad. He's glued to his computer instead of seeing friends. He's also not very confident so would really struggle with customer faceing or phone work.

I just don't know where to turn with him.

I've told him that if he quits college, he'll have to get a job and pay his way but I reckon he'll just plod along doing nothing. Also, if he quits, I'll lose his child related benefits and as we're struggling as it is, this would tighten the noose around the family finances.

I've always tried to instill a good work ethic in him. The only times I haven't worked in his lifetime were when he was pre-school (and I studied instead) and when on maternity leave with his sisters (4 and 2). My husband (his sted-dad) just stays out of it.
I think I've probably been too soft on him so now he won't do as I tell him. e.g. go to bed at a resonable time etc.

Anyone know how to give him a wake up call.

Thank you for reading this far.

Could he be suffering with depression? Pperhaps if he went and seen a Dr he might get a diagnosis.

You'd have lost the child related benefits at some point anyway, so you should adjust your household budget a bit accordingly until he sorts himself out. Try not to pressurise him about money if he's suffering with depression.

cheepskate_2

Mollycat13 wrote: »

Also, if he quits, I'll lose his child related benefits and as we're struggling as it is, this would tighten the noose around the family finances.


I think I've probably been too soft on him so now he won't do as I tell him. e.g. go to bed at a resonable time etc.

.

These 2 bits stick out for me.

Family finances in the respect of what benefits you get and how you manage them has got nothing to do with his attending school/college, but this should be a totally seperate issue in you managing your family income.

As ffor the bed time. He is 17 , at that age i dont think you should be "telling" him to do the things you say. Thats what you do with a young child, not with an adult.

Just my views on a few things, maybe you are still treating him like a young child and need to let him make his own decisions.
In making his own decisions you can be creative and lead him into how he thinks and ultimetly what choices he makes.

gonzo127

have you looked into the IT apprentiships? if not why not get some details to help him work out what he wants to do?

have you asked what about the course he doesnt like?

how about helping him with a CV so he can try and get a weekend job?

i am sorry if this comes accross as harsh, but having read your post it comes accross to me that you believe he is being a waste of space, if this also comes accross to him in how you act around him it certainly will not help with his motivation.

to be honest i had some of the same motivation issues with my step son when he was 17 and i believe it was the encouragement and help we gave him into looking at what he wanted to do and what he needed to do to get there that helped him get back on track to the point that hes now studying at Uni,

ok we did have some 'punishments' in place but those that we had, had been discussed with him to work out what was reasonable in his and our minds, such as we would not tell him what time he should go to bed, however if him staying up late at night meant he was late or missed a class or caused him to be grumpy/horrible/unreasonable with us or his sisters then we agreed a reasonable action for us was to turn the internet off at 10:30 for a few days to take away one of the major distractions he had when thinking of going to sleep

Mollycat13

As far as the finances go, unfortunately it is relevant. He is meant to be doing a further two year course starting in September. When he's finished, the girls would be just turned 7 and 4 (due to start school) by this time, my (almost £600 per month) childcare charges would be virtually zero.
Also, if he gets decent qualifications, he would (hopefully) get a good job and would be contributing to the finances. I would have a couple of pay rises too and hopefully my husband would be in a better job.
Finances aren't my only worry in all this but it makes my post fit the 'moneysaving' box. I'm am more worried about him burning bridges and not realising his full potential. I so want him to be the best he can be but he won't listen and I can't get through to him.

I really don't think he's depressed, he's just a quiet lad. I try not to treat him like a child but he seems to lack the resposible thinking. Doesn't seem to realise that he'll be tired if he doesn't get enough sleep etc.

I am actually quite upset at the assumption that I can't manage the family income.

We have NO debt and never have had any.
My husbands job costs almost as much in fuel as he earns and the company don't pay expenses. Care work. He's applying for jobs in care homes which won't cost so much in fuel.
I try my best to shop cheap (Aldi)
I pay all the bills by direct debit.
We have no contract mobiles and I only spend about £10 every three months on PAYG.
We would actually be better off if my husband didn't work but that's not an option.

So, if my son was to walk out of college with few prospects, it would affect my ability to feed us and heat the house etc.

I am just looking for advice on how best to get through to him. Not accusations that it's all about money. It's not!

pigpen

Go with him to speak to the connexions advisor at college they wil (or should!) have details of trainee positions available though it is likely at this time of year there are none available and they will suggest staying at college and applying when one comes up.

It is very normal for them to be bored by this time of year.. I have 2 of them doing A-levels and 2 doing GCSE's and we are at pretty much the same place with all 4. I think what DS1 found hardest was a lot of his friends joined the armed forces and had a decent income and he has £30 EMA and the college are pretty crap at getting it sorted their end so he doesn't always get that.

I would say he has to find alternative education or work before quitting this one.. though with attendance at 80% he is lucky they let him go back and haven't kicked him off.. the colleges here kick you out if your attendance is lower than 85%.. they may have identified some issues so maybe go with him to see what can be done to salvage his current courses.

I would be furious if one of mine just quit.. financially we aren't quite struggling but to lose money and still have to support a child just because they are too lazy to go to college or get a job would be an absolute no way! I don't get anything for DS1 though we should be getting tax credit and child benefit for him they are just being very slow sorting it.. I am looking forward to a back payment!

dantheman2010

Having been through A levels and hating them and ultimately doing poorly through lack of effort down to the fact I hated being there, and then wasting a year or two at Uni - to still have no clue at the end of it what i wanted to do I dont think when my children grow up I would ever force them to stay on with further education if its not what they want to do. If he doesnt want to do it, he wont apply himself and coming out with poor results wont really be of any use to anyone.

Some employers want experience rather than results in education.

I am not for one minute saying him leaving is for the best BUT is staying and possibly coming out with poor results the best either?

Most people have no clue what they want to do at his age, so for him to have an idea and a plan of how he wants to achieve it, I think is a good start.

Mupette

would a hobby help

DS 16 was 15 at the time was glued to his pc, and i kept talking to him about how pale he was and how he should get out more and see his friends, i do he said here on the pc..

but it did get him thinking and he is also into his I.T.
he joined the air cadets.. and loves it, they have taken my geek and made him grow up and stop being selfish (only a little bit)

there are girls there, and that perked him up (excuse pun )

Zoetoes

pigpen wrote: »

I would be furious if one of mine just quit.. financially we aren't quite struggling but to lose money and still have to support a child just because they are too lazy to go to college or get a job would be an absolute no way!

This is exactly right! So the family finances are relevant.

If they choose to go to college then the parents still receive the child tax credit, child benefit etc to look after them while they are studying.

If they choose to drop out because they don't feel like going anymore then they have to find a job in order to contribute to the household. Why should the rest of the family have less to support the one that dropped out?

This is real life!

Zoetoes

Mupette wrote: »

would a hobby help

DS 16 was 15 at the time was glued to his pc, and i kept talking to him about how pale he was and how he should get out more and see his friends, i do he said here on the pc..

but it did get him thinking and he is also into his I.T.
he joined the air cadets.. and loves it, they have taken my geek and made him grow up and stop being selfish (only a little bit)

there are girls there, and that perked him up (excuse pun )

I will suggest this to my son, he's just done an IT apprenticeship which finished last month and there's not much out there at the moment so air cadets is something to look at.

Tropez

I dropped out of college in my second year. It isn't throwing your future away and it would be best not to think about it in those terms.

There could be very good reasons that his college attendance is low, particularly on an IT course where the courses are rarely challenging and instead focus on the same things that were being taught in high school for years prior, and that anybody taking an IT course already knows. If you son is creative, for example, it is fairly soul destroying being "taught" how to write a basic formula in Excel. An apprenticeship on the other hand is working in a (hopefully) more dynamic environment where you're not being forced to follow some silly little bullet pointed guide, but have an opportunity to utilise your skills in a more creative way. Far more interesting for a creative type than a set course is.

He may well be suffering from depression or this may also come back to his phobia about school, which itself could be related to depression. Perhaps he is feeling overly pressured and stressed too. Teenagers are conned into believing that what they do at GCSE and A-Level has life changing consequences and failure is severe (perhaps why we have such high levels of teenage depression, but that's another discussion) when in reality dropping out of college is not the end of an individual's job prospects, simply another chapter. Despite the government expecting us to know what we want to do as early as 14, few of us do. The subjects I took at college, and my options at GCSE, couldn't have less to do with what I do now, and I took an IT course and work primarily on a computer - the IT course was useless - and yet I do very well for myself.

I have since gained academic qualifications, including degree level, from the Open University. College couldn't be further behind me.