OH in deep do do but just doesn't GET IT!

poppycracker

thanks for the hug ,I need that tonight! Cheers. :beer:

Storm

I'm wondering if you should try and get a davidhellier style budget for him - he works these out from people's SoA's with a weekly amount of spending money based on all costs over the year to give a very precise amount. David's instrustions also say 'ignore your bank balance', so this might actually suit him quite well.

If you could persuade him onto here and PM david to ask if he'll do his thing - would he perhaps take it better from a stranger than from the love of his life?

melt71

Storm wrote:

If you could persuade him onto here and PM david to ask if he'll do his thing - would he perhaps take it better from a stranger than from the love of his life?

That's a very good idea. It's very possible he would do. I will speak to him and see if he wants to do it. How do I PM davidhellier?

Dumpy; yes I do think your comments came across as help, as have everyone elses. You've all been very very helpful and it's just nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

CFC

Poor Melt, I really feel for you. I've had friends in this situation before.

Let's have a look at some questions....

Do you love him enough (and young enough from breeding perspective) to wait 3 years or so until he can actually grow up to adulthood in the finances department before you become financially interlinked?

Do you love him enough to accept him as a child like burden in that department, and just take it all off him?

Do you love him enough to accept him as a child like burden in that department whom you have to teach and coach and encourage, and do that long term (especially when half the time he'll backslide)?

If the answer to none of those questions is 'yes' then you've got a big fat problem and you need to seriously think about the situation and your future together.

Lynzpower and I disagree on this, I think that there is nothing wrong with controlling somebody who clearly needs it. The only problem is that it's a right royal pain to be the only responsible person. But whatever happens, you MUST protect yourself from his irresponsibility. He can't manage his own financial life, live together and have yours linked with his and your life together is not going to be good in any material way, especially if you have a child together.

Sorry to sound so bleak, but I think it's best to look at your options head on.

skintasusual

keep plugging away melt

sounds like you're doing a grand job :T

chevalier

You asked what you should do when he buys things he can't afford. Well to be honest I would make him take whatever it is back and get a refund.

Also you say that he is upset that he can't help out with the bills because he has no money. This does not compute with his completely reckless attitude to money.

chev

melt71

chevalier wrote:

Also you say that he is upset that he can't help out with the bills because he has no money. This does not compute with his completely reckless attitude to money.

That was my point. He doesn't get that when he purchases things that it affects his bank balance. This is why he was so surprised when the hole in the wall refused to give him anymore money - he couldn't believe he didnt have any, but when we checked his bank he has spent it on £20 here and £40there and it had all added up!

I want to stop his reckless spending but I don't want him to contribute to my bills until he has his DMP under control or he gets a 2nd job. There is no money included in his budget for me at the moment, only food and basics - but he hasn't even managed to stick to that.

chevalier wrote:

You asked what you should do when he buys things he can't afford. Well to be honest I would make him take whatever it is back and get a refund.

hmmm he doesn't seem to have much to show for it though.

melt71

CFC wrote:

Do you love him enough

In a word, yes.

This is his only real 'fault' that bugs me. It's more for his sake, I want him to help himself because at the moment his finances don't really affect me - other than we can't go out and enjoy ourselves and also, we can't move on with our lives.

However, I do realise that if his situation and more importantly his attitude towards money doesn't change it will mean that I will have to ensure that we are never financially linked and I will have to ensure that myself and my dd are financially ok. I'm that doing now, but it is quite depressing to realise that could be the case forever.

CFC

Poor Melt, yes thinking it could go on forever is the bit that you have to consider. Especially if you feel you want to have a child with him. I'm sorry babe, but it'll be a long haul uphill with him unless you take it over yourself, I suspect. Is he willing to let you handle his money for him?

There's nothing wrong with it and it really is quite traditional, so you could think you're carrying on in our foremother's footsteps...do you feel up to it?

Anwen_2

melt71 wrote:

That was my point. He doesn't get that when he purchases things that it affects his bank balance. This is why he was so surprised when the hole in the wall refused to give him anymore money - he couldn't believe he didnt have any, but when we checked his bank he has spent it on £20 here and £40there and it had all added up!

Hi Melt. Is he a visual person at all? Maybe you could try and make something like a graph in Excel that he would have to update each time he buys something so that it would start off full (his allowed money for that week) and gradually reduce to nothing (subtract each £10, £2.50, £25, whatever that he spends!) Or even just a big sheet of paper on the wall next to the monitor with whatever amount of money he has available written LARGE, and every time he spends something he has to cross that number out and write the new amount?