OH in deep do do but just doesn't GET IT!

melt71

AMILLIONDOLLARS wrote:

Just puzzled, why didn't the funeral expenses not come out of his dad's estate and any money left over pay off her debts

AMD

What 'estate'? the only thing they had/have is the house. Which is mum is still living in to this day. His dad had been ill and not working for years, his mum was a full time carer for the last few years of his life.

I understand that some of the debts (mostly smallish catalogue/HP type debts) were paid off by insurance but the others were not covered by insurance so my OH had to pay them for her. She never paid him back but to be fair, she supports him now so it worked both ways. On the other hand he has 2 sibblings who never offered to pay anything towards the costs of the funeral or headstone.

pollyanna24

My bf is a little like this, has no concept of the bills that will be coming out and sees his balance in his bank as his money regardless of what dd might be coming out.

Wasn't life similar when dd didn't exist? I wouldn't know, I'm only in my mid 20s!

I have now taken control of all our spending. He has a credit card for emergencies and thankfully he sees it as that. I can see if he spends on it through the Internet and nag him if he uses it. We do get into rows over this (not allowed to go into his accounts unless I ask first, yeah right ).

We get £400 a month each and he complains about that, but this month, somehow he has saved £100 out of that. Now that he has only so much to stick to, he really thinks about what he's going to spend his money on.

dumpy

Unfortunatley you can't make some one have a light bulb moment and I'd say he hasn't really has his yet.

I have a similar situation, if I look really closely I can just about see his toes sticking out of the sand but the rest is well buried. It's frustrating, I hate it and it winds me up BUT it's his problem. I will help when asked (and I offer)but I'm not going to manage it for him. If he doesn't then how will he learn?

The way I cope is....

We are not finacially linked, so I know that if it all goes pear shaped for him because he won't ask for help or get help I will be secure. Now that may sound heartless but I need to know I have somewhere to live and the bills are paid.

He pays me a set amount each week towards bills etc, we decided the amount based on what he earns (I earn much more than him)

The rest of his money is his, if he runs out, tough. I don't bail him out and he has to do without.

At the end of the day it's up to him and by removing his money or card or setting up things for him you are taking the responsibility away from him so he doesn't have to face it. Sometimes things have to get really bad before people will accept that they need help.

In your situation he rang you when he couldn't get money out of the hole in the wall. So he's looking to you to sort out his problem and you are trying to do this. What would he do if you say "Oh dear, what are you going to do?" Put him back into the control seat.

I feel for you because, believe me I KNOW how B*****y annoying this is.

8pnoodles

With my OH I drip fed him a lot of info. So just started discussing other's people's debts on here - saying, wow they owe a LOT! Look at their APRs! We'd discuss (with my prompting) the First Plus and other daytime tv loan ads, and how they are a rip off - wow 180 months is HOW many years?

It's all about getting him to think differently about money, without having a go at him.

Also, have you asked him really why he spends? I used to because I felt I "deserved" nice stuff. I felt that it was wrong all my salary went on bills, and that I worked hard and should be treated. I now hugely downscale my treats to a bar of chocolate and bubble bath. Treats can still be there, but you have to have small ones!

My OH used to comfort spend. BIG time. he thought life was too short, in a very dangerous job, and thought he might as well have fun while he's still here. 16 years into the jon and he's STILL here and has debts to pay.

The website https://www.whatsthecost.co.uk might help him see how much his debts cost when you include interest. It's not free money, it costs even more.

Spending diaries are good too, ask him to record every single thing he spends. Tell him you're not going to have a go at him for it, just try and identify any problem areas. And do one yourself. Every day write down EVERYTHING you've spent. It's easy to spend and think "Oh but that doesn't count". But when it's written down it DOES count!

Chat through these ideas with him and see what HE wants to do.

Yes you can treat him like a child, but do you want to be with someone who you have to treat like a child?

Lastly, is he any good at maths? Some people who really struggle with maths have trouble with money management, so bear this in mind.

Good luck.

Emmzi

Melt,

if you bail him out now (and it sounds like you and his mum are) you'll bail him out forever. Can you handle that with a baby too?

You've offered help, advice and cash wise. Time to start saving for your kids future. I know this will sound harsh, but if his cards get stopped, paypal will refuse his payments, and he won't be able to ebay any more...

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom so find the way up. I'd be hard line for 6 months and see what happens. And imagine what would be happening if you were buying nappies, babyfood, etc... I suspect all the burden is going to fall on you. I hope I'm wrong and he can sort it out soon.

It sounds like you're educating him to believe that you will be his safety net. The more you do it, the more he'll believe it.

End of self righteous sermon.

lynzpower

do you know melt - I cant agree more with 8p & emmzi.

You have to simply stop.

Dont take control- only he can manage his fiances, and its his right to. You dont want to parent him do you? when you have a little one to parent yourselves.

Have you had a proper sit down and gonew through the SOA togetheR? Have you told him how much needs to go where? and for what?

How on earth did he get an overdraft while on a DMP - cant this bring the DMP to its knees? Whats his take on this?

All the tears in the world ( I know, Ive shed plenty myself) doesnt help, nor do platitudes. Action is whats needed.

can you put him in charge of a budgeting task for example can he plan a weekly shop on your budget? Teach him the skills, dont restrict his growth & understanding. If he still chooses to go and spend there HAS to be a point where you have an ultimatum of sorts, and only youll know what that is and waht he will respond best to.

Could he get addicted to ebay selling, not buying? COuld you get into a routine of checking bank accounts every night before tea- and you both do it and keep those lines of communication open. Have savings pots for car/ clothes/presents, and check with each other when you make financial decisions ie- I found this for mum for Xmas - do you think you can find it cheaper etc.

Sjhow him the site, show him goals thread, encourage him to sign up. I didnt think about even being debt free, and how to do it till I read about everyones efforts here.

Theres also no point whatever in earning more if its going to be frittered- patch the hole in the bucket before pouring more in - if you catch my meaning

melt71

Thanks for all of your replies.

I should make it clear at this point that I don't give him money! I haven't got the money to give as I have a child and a mortgage and bills etc etc. And quite frankly, I wouldn't give it to him if I had it because I don't think he is ever going to learn if I just say 'here's £50' everytime he overspends. To be fair, he doesn't ask me as he already feels like a complete failure so I doubt he would ask to lend money off me. I work and have a budget for all my bills, food and petrol and I would have all of this even if he wasn't there, so I am happy to pay for it all. The priority is getting him financially sorted so he can move in permanently and in the future have a baby. This can't happen until he is financially more stable.

I do think that it is comfort spending. He's going through a transitional period in his life and although in our private lives we are very very happy :heartpuls , he is quite frustrated with his job/qualifications situation and working away from us for half of the week. It really depresses him and I think buying things is his way of relieving the boredom and depression when he is away - then he realises he's overspent and gets even more frustrated and depressed!

It's difficult to discuss this with him as he gets so annoyed about it all and goes into a man sulk! But I'll try to talk to him when he comes back at the weekend. I have tried asking him what makes him want to spend spend spend (I'm the opposite as I'm an addict of this site!) but he always fobs me off because it's not the right time :mad: It's never the right time!

melt71

lynzpower wrote:

Dont take control- only he can manage his fiances, and its his right to. You dont want to parent him do you? when you have a little one to parent yourselves.

No I don't, but when I leave him to it..this happens! I thought the DMP and Budget we had set would do the trick but he's completely ignored it!

lynzpower wrote:

Have you had a proper sit down and gonew through the SOA togetheR? Have you told him how much needs to go where? and for what?

Yes, I sat down with him before he contact the CCCS and agreed the DMP - he seemed to be happy to have it all set out before him. However, since then..:rolleyes:

lynzpower wrote:

How on earth did he get an overdraft while on a DMP - cant this bring the DMP to its knees? Whats his take on this?

He already had an agreed overdraft of £500 - at the time his DMP started he was about £230 o/d each month. However, he's now managed to overspend right up to his limit.

lynzpower wrote:

All the tears in the world ( I know, Ive shed plenty myself) doesnt help, nor do platitudes. Action is whats needed.

can you put him in charge of a budgeting task for example can he plan a weekly shop on your budget? Teach him the skills, dont restrict his growth & understanding. If he still chooses to go and spend there HAS to be a point where you have an ultimatum of sorts, and only youll know what that is and waht he will respond best to.

Could he get addicted to ebay selling, not buying? COuld you get into a routine of checking bank accounts every night before tea- and you both do it and keep those lines of communication open. Have savings pots for car/ clothes/presents, and check with each other when you make financial decisions ie- I found this for mum for Xmas - do you think you can find it cheaper etc.

Sjhow him the site, show him goals thread, encourage him to sign up. I didnt think about even being debt free, and how to do it till I read about everyones efforts here.

I've tried the majority of this - he just doesn't like dealing with financial things, he gets stressed as soon as budgets/money/CCCS/credit cards/Debts are mentioned! I explained that all he needed to do was stick to his (very simple budget) and he would be ok, then when his earnings increase he can pay more off his debts but he's completly ignored the budget and has completely unrealistic ideals like paying off his debts within the year!!!!! lol I tried not to laugh out loud but he has £10k worth of debt and doesn't even earn that much in a year! bless him.

lynzpower wrote:

Theres also no point whatever in earning more if its going to be frittered- patch the hole in the bucket before pouring more in - if you catch my meaning

Totally agree.

I think this is one area of our lives that are never going to be easy! I am reasonably good with budgets & money but he is absolutely mind boggingly bad. He admits himself that it's all too much for him.

melt71

dumpy wrote:

Sometimes things have to get really bad before people will accept that they need help.

In your situation he rang you when he couldn't get money out of the hole in the wall. So he's looking to you to sort out his problem and you are trying to do this. What would he do if you say "Oh dear, what are you going to do?" Put him back into the control seat.

just noticed this bit;

I don't think he was expecting me to sort it out because he was away at the time and I couldn't help even if I wanted to! He was telling me because he was stunned, it was a complete shock to him. As I say, the money he spends doesn't seem to be related to his bank account (in his head anyway!) He just doesn't think about the connection.

I did say 'oh my god. what are you going to do now' as he needs money for food and travel and at the time it was 3 weeks until payday. When he came back home a few days later we checked his account and I saw that he has been REALLY overdrawn since the beginning of Oct. He hadn't checked his account since the end of Sept so he didn't realise! See what I mean...he ignores the financial side of life and then gets upset when he's skint.

really I am only trying to help him help himself, I'm trying to educate him how to get out of debt and stay out of debt, not just because I care about him but because I care about me and my daughter!! and eventually his lack of money management is going to affect us.

Emmzi

melt,

good for you for not giving him cash :-) Re-reading it looks like his mum does though? That's tougher for you to control...

Just double check you don't find yourself buying all the food, paying for all the nights out, etc... which amounts to the same

I really don't know what to suggest - I just hope he is lovely in so many other ways to make up for it!

Maybe YOU should be vocal about your not being able to afford things you would like and gently (and sadly) point out your doing-without-ness.

But there's a danger here that it becomes the only topic of conversation, the only thing the relationship is about, the cause of all arguements.


On reflection, I'm still going with ignore until until it all hits the fan and he SERIOUSLY asks for help.. at which point he needs a referal back to whoever is manging his DMP... NOT you. I really wouldn't risk becoming responsible for all of this.

Hugs.