OH in deep do do but just doesn't GET IT!

melt71

I've posted on here previously about my OH who has about £10k worth of debt and couldn't cope with the repayments because he is earning virtually nothing at the moment due to a change of career path - this should ease next year when he gets his qualification but here is the history;

My OH is 32 and used to be a builder, he earned very good money, quite often it was paid in cash so he never had to worry about debt or credit cards etc.

His dad died a couple of years ago and he moved back to his mums to look after her, she was in a mess; depressed about his dad but also in a mess financially. He had left his job but took out credit cards to pay for things like funeral expenses plus some basic debts that she had. He then started a full time course and got 2 p/t jobs to pay for his keep and also repay the minimum payments. He had debts but was able to manage the repayments, however, he was ALWAYS late with his payments - due to bad management. Basically he is crap with anything official and just ignores bills :rolleyes:

Fast forward to now; he is now working in his dream job but because he is not yet qualified they only pay him the minimum wage! He got to the point that with all the charges he couldn't even repay the min amounts so I finally convinced him to go to CCCS and get on to a DMP - which he did in August. There were initial problems with setting it up but the 1st DD came out on 1st Nov.

He rang me on his way to work last week to say that he couldn't draw any money out of his bank - he'd used up all of his overdraft :eek: with 3 weeks to go to payday, I was not impressed.

I eventually got it out of him that he just hasn't bothered to check his bank account since the beginning of October!!!! He's used all of his wages AND £500 overdraft and some of DD's have now been refused because there is no money left I'm gutted. He's started to get loads of charges on his a/c and this won't stop until he goes back under £500.

He's spent the money on stupid little things that he doesn't need at all. If he goes on Ebay he thinks 'oh that's a bargain' but doesn't think I can't afford it or I don't need it.

What can I do? We are trying to start our lives together and want a baby etc but at this rate he is NEVER not going to have money problems. It just doesn't register that when he uses his debit card or buys things online that the money then comes from his account.

I've helped him as much as I can (without actually repaying his debt for him!) but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.
Do any reformed DFW's have any advice of how I can help him to retrain his brain? He says he worries about the debt and then goes and spends £40 on something stupid that he doesn't need.

Sorry it's so long and if you are still here - bless you for reading!

lynzpower

Oh melt

I really dont know what to suggest here.

What does HE think about what hes done?

steve700

Can he not do building work at weekends to start to clear some debt?

woohoo_postingid

Try offering to take control of his finances for him. Take his cards off him and give him 'pocket money'.

If he wants to behave like a child with money then why not treat him like a child.

He may be grateful for you offering to do this.

This may sound a little harsh but if he is not grown up enough to care about his finances, what would he be like at providing for and bringing up a child

melt71

lynzpower wrote:

Oh melt

I really dont know what to suggest here.

What does HE think about what hes done?

Hi Lynz

He feels stupid, upset, worried he's going to lose me, and doesn't know how to get out of the situation that he's in.

I can't seem to get through to him that if he stuck to the DMP budget that was set, he would be fine! He can't seem to curb his spending attitude.

He's in an extremely fortunate position in that he has my support and his mums support, we help him to get organised but also help to support him - he doesn't pay anywhere near the usual bills that a 32 man would normally. And yet he still wants to spend what little money he has on trainers or stupid stuff from Ebay.

Basically what I am saying is that although he kind of had a lightbulb moment where he realised the debt had got out of hand, he hasn't realised that his out of control spending is directly responsible for his situation.

I feel completely at a loss as to how to get him to curb his spending.

jillie1974

have you showed this forum. maybe if he saw how other peolple deal with debt problems it may help?
my oh is a bit like that.. he couldnt get his head round the fact that he/we cant just go to the pub for a few drinks at wekend or get a takeaway
hope he realises soon what he needs to do

melt71

The problem with doing a 2nd job (building or other) was that he works a shift system so doesn't know what days he will be working until the week before. Hopefully this may change soon as they are thinking of going onto a set shift system. He is also waiting for his old building mate to give him some work on the day he is working (but either before or after his shift). This will make a big difference. The thing is, will he use the extra cash for clearing debt or just spend it as disposable income. I used to think he would pay of his debts but after the last couple of months, I'm not so sure.

I think the taking his card off him is the only solution in the end isn't it. He would be happy with this I think because he just can't seem to cope with the complexities of having internet banking, a budget to stick to and a debit card!

melt71

jillie1974 wrote:

have you showed this forum. maybe if he saw how other peolple deal with debt problems it may help?

Yes, I tried that originally when I went through all his debts just before he got his DMP started. However, he took absolutely no notice as I was on here last week and he asked me what site it was.

He just doesn't seem interested in budgets and accounting matters. To the point that he completely buries his head in the sand until ....bang! He's got no money left on his overdraft.

jillie1974

:grouphug: you poor thing. i guess the best thing is like you said take the card from him and give him 'pocket money'
i take the cash out of my account i think we'll need for the month then put it in the savings account and take it out when we need it. not ideal but at least it controls what we spend
best of luck!

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Just puzzled, why didn't the funeral expenses not come out of his dad's estate and any money left over pay off her debts

AMD

melt71

Thanks for your advice. I think next month I will get him to stick to the budget by just giving him pocket money/travel expenses each week.

Thanks very much.