OH in deep do do but just doesn't GET IT!

lynzpower

Have you tried workign with the basics- I can appreciate for many its simply not a case of sticking to a budget, there are usually loads of factors at work.

What about once all his debts are paid, this gives him I dunno a pound a day. If he doesnt spend this pound a day, he will have 30 left to use for ebaying- or wahtever

Sending a hug sugar- It cant be easy.

Does he figure that you having a discussion about money = you having a go ?
I know that Ive been guilty of this OH has been known to glaze over when I start conversations " we need to try and work out..."

Have you asked him WHY he hasnt checked his account for all that time? Is he scared of whats there? I usually stop checking my account as regularly when Im worried about whats not there

melt71

Thank you Emmzi,

Yes he is lovely in everyway. He's the person I've been waiting to meet all my life and does so many things for me. More than anybody has ever done for me, just my bloody luck that he's skint though eh!? lol

His mum has a very limited income so she doesn't bail him out with cash, she may lend him a tenner for a couple of days but he would always pay her back. Usually he will sell some of his belongings to see him through, but he's running out of stuff to sell and his situation isn't getting any better so I'm worried about what will happen if he doesn't start to take this budget seriously.

Thanks again for your replies

melt71

lynzpower wrote:

Have you asked him WHY he hasnt checked his account for all that time? Is he scared of whats there? I usually stop checking my account as regularly when Im worried about whats not there

hmmmm never thought of that, I'm the opposite - when I know money is tight I check it religiously to make sure I know exactly what's happening but maybe this is another way of him burying his head in the sand, he knows it's not going to be good so he doesn't check it. Thanks lynz.

I do think he gets stressed talking about it because he is all defensive and assumes I'm having a go. I've had to point out a few times that the last people he should be getting annoyed with is me and his mum as we are the only ones trying to help him! that usually makes him think

Thanks for the much needed hug!

climbgirl

Have to say I sympathise, I posted a similar thread about my BF the other day. They sound very similar actually, mine never checks his accounts either and then is mortified when he's run up his overdraft again! He claims a willingness to fix it as well (and I believe his sincerity) but can't seem to stop spending or stick to the budget we spend hours drawing up!

One thing that might work for you guys though - if he's comfortable with it, why don't you take his cards off him and give him a cash allowance. It'd never work for us because we've not been dating that long but you guys seem a lot more serious than us so I think it'd work quite nicely for you if he's happy with it.

It won't change his ways though, you might be doing this for the long-haul...but if you're both happy with it, why not?!

dumpy

Melt I really do empathise with you, I have exactly the same problem, great person, we get on really well but he won't discuss money matters, hides paperwork etc etc. Typical head in the sand stuff, "don't worry it'll be fine". Complete opposite to "Miss Budget, won't spend a penny I haven't got" me.

Please don't take this the wrong way but do look out for yourself and your child. Although your not lending him money, you can get into the situation where you are paying all the bills and then start to stress about paying them. This stress can build up slowly but can affect you mentally and physically. That's why we came up with the amount my OH has to pay me weekly. It stops me feeling resentful that I'm carrying a passenger and put us back on equal partnership footing.

If he won't discuss it you may just have to let it get to the point where it gets so bad he can't ignore it. Then be there for him (if he wants help)

deb_buffy

Hey
I totally understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend is the same. The way we got sorted out was all money is paid into my account and then £100 gets transferred into one of these kids accounts which have a cash card but don’t allow them to get over drawn. This way when the moneys gone its gone but he cannot get into any trouble owing the bank money. I don’t know if this would work for you but its something worth trying.

Hope you manage to sort his money problems out.

poppycracker

So is mine. I'm at my wits end. He finally got himself a job last month, only to break his wrist after three days and now we're back to square one. But he still manages to spend our money.

I spent about four months hiding the bank cards from him, so he only had his pocket money to spend, I thought that had cured him but now he's back doing it again. He even opened up a savings account the other week because the bank rang him and asked him if he wanted one...... as if we can afford to save anything at the moment??????

I HATE MEN! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

so hugs to you OP, and make sure you take care of yourself and the wee one.

melt71

Thanks so much for all your replies, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this! I don't think I've ever actually dated anyone that was good with money matters even people who earn a fortune. My ex husband was a perfect example; he used to have at least £1200 left in his account at the end of each month but would always leave his credit card payment until it was overdue so he would get charged for it. When I first moved in with him he asked me to sort out his finances because I'm a very organised person - it took me 2 days just to file his bloody bank statements! what a mess. Luckily he had enough money to not worry about being unorganised though whereas most of us can't afford to ignore finances like he did.

Me and my OH have got a plan that when his earnings increase that he will start to pay me a weekly amount to go towards foods and bills and he wants to do this as soon as possible because it's hurting his pride that he can't pay his way. I don't resent that he doesn't do this at the moment because he genuinely is earning a pittance and it was with my encouragement that he went onto the DMP so that we can move forward and really start living our lives together. At the moment we are just going from month to month and getting by.

The problem that I have with all this is that he is sticking to the DMP/Budget and therefore I can't ever see how things will improve. Which is slightly depressing.

Dumpy; I am looking after my finances and already have a savings account for my daughter, I won't ever rely on anyone else to look after us as you just never know what life will throw at you so I'm very careful with my finances - I try to plan for the future as much as my monthly finances will allow.

melt71

poppycracker wrote:

So is mine. I'm at my wits end. He finally got himself a job last month, only to break his wrist after three days and now we're back to square one. But he still manages to spend our money.

I spent about four months hiding the bank cards from him, so he only had his pocket money to spend, I thought that had cured him but now he's back doing it again. He even opened up a savings account the other week because the bank rang him and asked him if he wanted one...... as if we can afford to save anything at the moment??????

I HATE MEN! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

so hugs to you OP, and make sure you take care of yourself and the wee one.

Oh dear you sound like you need the hugs more than me so right back at ya :grouphug:

dumpy

Good for you Melt, I do hope my comments came across as help, not criticism, you sound like you are organised and on top of it. I hope it all works out for you.

Oh and if you find a magic answer, do let me know what it is so I can get to grips with my OH!