Do I leave?

property.advert

The OP needs to get a grip on reality and whilst I am all for her trying to make things better, that should not be at a cost of destroying her family merely to allow her a bit more time out on the town. The bloke is probably naffed off with a load of things but has decided to put up with it for the kids. The wife however seems to want to be young and single again.

Instead of looking at how difficult and costly it would be for her to walk away and presumably have my taxes pay for her benefits et al, she should count herself lucky.

coolcait

What_Do_I_Do? wrote: »

I still want to go out and have fun, I'd like to do it as a family but he never wants to come, so I go alone with the kids or find a friend, including weekends away. The long and short is when we first got together we had the same hopes, dreams, goals, I still have them, he is happy to sit in the front room night after night and wants nothing more.

Why are you so unhappy?

You and your kids are doing what you want to do - going out and having fun, including having weekends away with a friend.

He's happy sitting in the front room. You want him to change. You want him to go along with your hopes, dreams, goals.

I would see a lot of merit in seeking counselling alone, so that you can examine your feelings and your role in dealing with the unhappiness you feel.

What_Do_I_Do?

property.advert wrote: »

The OP needs to get a grip on reality and whilst I am all for her trying to make things better, that should not be at a cost of destroying her family merely to allow her a bit more time out on the town. The bloke is probably naffed off with a load of things but has decided to put up with it for the kids. The wife however seems to want to be young and single again.

Instead of looking at how difficult and costly it would be for her to walk away and presumably have my taxes pay for her benefits et al, she should count herself lucky.

This is exactly what I was trying to ask, how difficult and expensive it is to walk away? I have been unhappy for many, many years but have stayed for the kids, I didn't want to hurt them, to make them have to leave their home, break up their family, so instead I have like tonight, many nights I have been miserable, lonely and in tears.

Your very to quick to judge me, I have had a job since I was at school, I have continued to work since having children and have at times been the main earner and the sole earner, putting in over 60 hours a week in 3 jobs to try and keep us a float, I have no intention of giving up my job now. (I am down to 1 job now).

I didn't reply to this thread before as I just felt people where being so judgemental and not really replying to what I was asking.

When I said I have to do everything by myself and if I wanted to go out, I meant take the kids swimming, cinema (free previews) concerts (free SFF one's), weekends away (staying with relatives at the coast so the kids get some kind of holiday), running the kids to the dancing, football & watching their displays, school plays, parents evenings, family birthdays, weddings.........not going out clubbing!

I thought if I just put the basics it would be enough, the truth is he drinks night, after night, after night, that's all he cares about, he no longer can find the spare cash to gamble away in the fruit machines, he run up overdrafts and credit cards I wasn't even aware of and there is nothing left. There is more things but I don't see the need to put everything out here.

I don't think he coped well with the pressure of becoming a dad for the second time quite quickly (although it was planned) and everything went on a downward spiral from there. Infact it started the day my daughter was born, I had a complicated pregnancy & birth, he heard the midwife say I would need help, no lifting etc, what did he do, drop me home and head straight for the pub and fruit machine. Leaving me alone with a newborn & toddler.

There have been times where things have improved, but never for long, we want different things, I want to have a life, a good life for me and my children, he wants to sit at home and drink every night, first thing he does is open a beer the minute he walks through the door from work. I have challenged him about it & smoking, especially as he won't any longer leave the room the kids are in now they are older, he just tells me to stop nagging. So I sit here every evening watching him drink & watch TV and have absolutelly no desire to do anything else.

So I have tried, I have forgiven, I have talked, I have made allowances, I have compromised and I have had enough.

All I wanted to know was from anyone who had left, how they did it, where they went, how they found somewhere to live. We have been together for 15 years, I am not taking this lightly, he would never go to counselling and would laugh at the fact I was going.

So that's it I'm stuck, he's not who I fell in love with, to carry I want him to change back, I have tried & hoped for 6 years I think thats long enough.

Angelic

I don't have much advice as i'm not married and don't have children but i'm guessing money wise it would be a struggle and hard to do?
You sound like you are ready to leave physically and emotionally and not because you want to be "free and single" as others' have put it.
A relationship iis pointless without being together and sharing your life be it a meal , walk in the park or lying in bed with a DVD on and laughing.
Your marriage sounds lonely and cold sham and paying the bills is admirable but his other behaviour isn't conducive to happiness or love and I doubt your children will be happy as they grow older and witness the dysfunction.
If he won't attend counselling then he's not even meeting you halfway which isn't fair.

January20

I am so sorry for your situation and so sorry that so many "I know it all and aren't I better than you " posters have judged you so harshly. However, your thread is one that shows the necessity of being absolutely thorough in one's first post and spelling it out if you don't want people to jump down your throat straight away.

I don't know if I can tell you anything to help you. My ex and I separated 11 years ago. He left the flat we were renting, to move in with a friend in a flat share so it was easy. (not so easy emotionally though).

You need a plan of action. Firstly as you say you work you need to start squirrelling away some money. You need to open an account in your own name for that, that you OH will not know about. Then you need to organise all your important papers and put there somewhere safe, so that the day you decide to go, it's all ready.

You should also try and find out what kind of benefits you would be entitled to, to top up your wages. Try and find out how much it would cost you to rent a property in your area, the kind of bond you would have to put up, etc.

You don't have to answer these questions on the thread but:
Do you have any savings at all?
Do you have any debts?
Do you have any family/ friends who can help you?
How old are your children (the younger the better imo! they will adapt quicker to change)

I feel for you. There is no worse loneliness than being with somebody who obviously doesn't care about being with you or about you. You'd be better off on your own. Those you have told you to put up with it obviously have no idea how painful it is!

And your kids will be picking up on the atmosphere, on your unhappiness. As for him smoking in the same room as them! Unbelievably ignorant and selfish! What a great example he is!

Dave101t

jeez, id love to have that little communication, if you have grown apart, why not tell him this, see what he says, as a man he may not of noticed, we like our tv afterall and often cant detect a problem.

great advice there by january...set up a secret account and start siphoning off funds, that will look great in court.

January20

Dave101t wrote: »

jeez, id love to have that little communication, if you have grown apart, why not tell him this, see what he says, as a man he may not of noticed, we like our tv afterall and often cant detect a problem.

great advice there by january...set up a secret account and start siphoning off funds, that will look great in court.

Of course it's great advice! Anybody is allowed to have their own account you know, even when they are married. There are no laws against that! I'm not saying that she should put thousands in there, just enough to pay a bond on a rented property.

As for what will look good in court, drinking every night and smoking in the same room as the children and therefore showing he doesn't care about their health (or are you going to dispute medical evidence and tell me that passive smoking is a myth?) is going to look great isn't it?

Or is that reasonable behaviour from a man and he doesn't even notice his children are in the room - since you guys don't really seem to notice anything apart from yourselves and your needs listening to some posters on this forum! :mad:

Did you bother to read her second post? or perhaps you didn't notice it?

Tiggerbags

Good advice there January.

I have been in a v similar position to you, my ex changed enormously on the birth of our first child and again when the 2nd was born. We drifted on for a few years, in exactly the way that you describe. I organised things/holidays for me and the kids and he sat (in the garden at least) smoking. We went to relate and I have to say in our case it didnt move us on any. Ex was terribly entrenched in his behaviour, and whilst he paid lip service to the thought of change, it was never fortcoming. After a year of asking him to move out (I am lucky in that i can pay the mortgage on my own) he did just before Xmas. There have been tricky and lonely moments since then, but basically we (me and the kids) are so much ahppier. There is no atmosphere, we can plan and do things/see friends (the kids are 50/50 with each of us).

Im not saying it is necessarily the right thing to do for you (although it sounds like u have made your mind up) - but for me and my kids (4&6) it has been the right decision.

Zoetoes

Am I in the minority here? OP has the problem so OP should go to Relate alone? I agree with her, what's the point in that? A marriage is a partnership, they should be sorting it out together, if she tells him she's at that point and he says he won't go then there's the answer!

He may be unhappy too, so either way the problems have to be addressed.

It's crap that she's doing 'family' things as a 'single' parent, some are making out that she's just expecting him to do things that she wants to do but it's actually the things that should be done as a family.

January20

zoeleigh wrote: »

Am I in the minority here? OP has the problem so OP should go to Relate alone? I agree with her, what's the point in that? A marriage is a partnership, they should be sorting it out together, if she tells him she's at that point and he says he won't go then there's the answer!

He may be unhappy too, so either way the problems have to be addressed.

It's crap that she's doing 'family' things as a 'single' parent, some are making out that she's just expecting him to do things that she wants to do but it's actually the things that should be done as a family.

Exactly! completely agree!