Do I leave?

balletshoes

Is this making you unhappy, or just bored? The 2 are not the same feeling. When you suggest going out all together do you put a date on it, or just spring it on him?

Also, if you're fed up going and doing things without him anyway, how will that (I mean doing things without him) be any different if you split up the family and move out?

Is he a good Dad, does he care for the kids and do they know/feel that?

I'll be honest, if he's a home body and thats where he's happiest, and thats the only real issue you have in your relationship, it doesn't seem to me to be a big enough problem to split up. But you may feel differently, and of course its your feelings (along with those of your children) that count.

I still think Relate could help you - you want him to change, but maybe Relate could help you change the way you feel about, and react to, how he prefers to spend his leisure time.

Tish_P

WDID, you say he "wouldn't" go for counselling rather than he "won't" - does that mean you haven't even asked him?

If you think your relationship has a chance, make an appointment with a counsellor, and if he refuses to go, go alone and talk over your options. But it sounds a bit more like you are sick of him and have made your mind up to leave - i.e. it's you who doesn't want to negotiate or compromise or try again. If that's the case, be honest about it.

Mini_Bear

If he won't leave the house at weekends can you invite mutual friends/family with kids over? so the kids have play mates and you have some adult company? i sometimes do this with my fiance as he's exhausted after a working week! sometimes we just go and play cricket at the local park with our son, i find its far better quality family time than gadding about the town or going to cinema etc.
I think the other question i have - is your husband being a lazy dad at weekd and not doing his share of the child care duties? perhaps you could book something that you will be doing alone for a few hours one weekd and ask him to do something with the kids? Eitherway it sounds like he is in a rut and you have naturally taken on all the childcare responsibilities! good luck whatever you decide!

zen_navigator

What_Do_I_Do? wrote: »

I am a long time poster but have changed my name as I know some people here personally.

I am in a bit of a rut, my husband and I have grown apart, we don't really argue, infact we really don't talk at all any more, we no longer to seem to have anything in common. For instance last night the only conversation we had is what time he had to pick our son up. He then sat in front of the TV watching rubbish, I was pottering around on the laptop. This is most nights, I do try sometimes, not as much as I used to as all I get is grunts in reply!

I am 35 he is 37, we have children of 6 & 8, have been together 15 years and married 10. I still want to go out and have fun, I'd like to do it as a family but he never wants to come, so I go alone with the kids or find a friend, including weekends away. The long and short is when we first got together we had the same hopes, dreams, goals, I still have them, he is happy to sit in the front room night after night and wants nothing more. We also disagree over the children a lot too, we had very different upbringings.

He doesn't treat me badly, he works hard, but I am really not sure what to do from here, I have been drifting along like this for years now, thinking we'll get back to where we were, but I no longer think this is possible.

My problem is we have a mortgage which I couldn't afford alone, we also have some large debts which we run up when he was made redundant some in my name and a joint overdraft, I would never leave without my children, but have no way of getting a deposit to rent somewhere and only work part time. I just don't know how to get out, and I don't want to put my children through any more upheaval and upset than necessary. He won't make it easy, just really not sure what to do, any ideas, advice would be really welcome.

Drink heavily...it works for me :beer:

arbroath_lass

What_Do_I_Do? wrote: »

He wouldn't go to counselling, I don't really see the point of going alone, I want him to change, going alone is not going to help this.

I don't mean to sound harsh but if you are the one with the problem (and he seems content enough) and you won't do anything about it why should he change?

You need to accept that you both have to make compromises to make a marriage work. Whilst you may feel like he has it all his own way now that doesn't mean you get all your own way for a while.

You can't just blame your hubby for this. Try counselling on your own - it obviously can't make things any worse.

pimento

Could he be depressed?

Errata

Cut plugs off TV and laptop and talk until you've thrashed it out.

chalkiesalem_2

pimento wrote: »

Could he be depressed?

I was wondering this, he sounds alot like my hubbie when his depression gets the better of him. Maybe you should have a proper sit down with him, tell him it is getting that bad you are thinking of leaving. At the very least you will find out if he cares enough about you but it also may be the thing that gives him the kick to to do something about it.

gratefulforhelp_2

What_Do_I_Do? wrote: »

I want him to change, going alone is not going to help this.

This might sound a bit unsympathetic, but if you have told us the worst of it, then you need to both work at it, and consider your children.

Do not underestimate how hard it can be being a single parent, and the detrimental, or potentially detrimental effect on your kids.

You won't be rid of him, you will always have to see him until the kids are grown up.

Go to relate alone, if he will not go, and tell him you are having to go alone since you are at the end of your rope.

Please please don't rush into anything, and remember, love is an action, not a feeling. Put it into practice, and you may be surprised what comes back to you.

Oog

Counselling will help you (Relate is an excellent) either as a couple or on your own. Counsellors are trained to help you work out how are you are going to take the next steps.

If you would rather start with a book I can recommend the Relate Guide to Staying Together (even if you do decide to leave) and also all the other titles in that series.