Do I leave?

What_Do_I_Do?

I am a long time poster but have changed my name as I know some people here personally.

I am in a bit of a rut, my husband and I have grown apart, we don't really argue, infact we really don't talk at all any more, we no longer to seem to have anything in common. For instance last night the only conversation we had is what time he had to pick our son up. He then sat in front of the TV watching rubbish, I was pottering around on the laptop. This is most nights, I do try sometimes, not as much as I used to as all I get is grunts in reply!

I am 35 he is 37, we have children of 6 & 8, have been together 15 years and married 10. I still want to go out and have fun, I'd like to do it as a family but he never wants to come, so I go alone with the kids or find a friend, including weekends away. The long and short is when we first got together we had the same hopes, dreams, goals, I still have them, he is happy to sit in the front room night after night and wants nothing more. We also disagree over the children a lot too, we had very different upbringings.

He doesn't treat me badly, he works hard, but I am really not sure what to do from here, I have been drifting along like this for years now, thinking we'll get back to where we were, but I no longer think this is possible.

My problem is we have a mortgage which I couldn't afford alone, we also have some large debts which we run up when he was made redundant some in my name and a joint overdraft, I would never leave without my children, but have no way of getting a deposit to rent somewhere and only work part time. I just don't know how to get out, and I don't want to put my children through any more upheaval and upset than necessary. He won't make it easy, just really not sure what to do, any ideas, advice would be really welcome.

Pixiechic

Have you thought about relationship counselling? If there is a flicker of hope between you both then it could help.

balletshoes

Have you discussed this with your husband the way you're discussing it here? It sounds like you'd much prefer a solution to the "stuck in a rut" feelings rather than leaving your husband, and if thats the case, I would definitely go down the Relate route, even on your own if your husband doesn't want to go with you.

Plans_all_plans

I wouldn't leave if this is the worst of the problems between you: your children are very young still.

Have you told him how bad things have got for you that you're thinking of leaving? It's easy to get in a rut like this, but you need to put in the effort to change things. Obviously he needs to get on board too, but it might take longer for him if he's currently happy with the way things are between you.

I also think relationship counselling with Relate or a similar organisation might help.

grey_lady

If you do decide to leave then a lot of councils run schemes where they provide or guarantee a deposit for people going into private rented accommodation. I agree about the counselling before making any decisions, a lot of people think the grass is greener and find out that it isn't, but I don't think you should spend your life being bored and unhappy in your marriage either. On a practical note maybe you could start raising some emergency funds just in case you do decide to leave one day

andy208833

Its good to talk.....

What_Do_I_Do?

Thank you for your replies.

He wouldn't go to counselling, I don't really see the point of going alone, I want him to change, going alone is not going to help this. We have spoken about it, he promises that things will get better, he'll try for a few days and that will be it, a few years back we did split for a few days, he came back full of promises about how things would be better and would try harder and things did get better for a time, but then old habits returned. Just seem to be going round and round in circles.

I just feel like what's the point, I do everything alone anyway, this isn't a new thing, we've been drifting apart for years, I just always thought things would get back, once we got the money sorted, he got a new job, the kids got a bit older, etc, but it doesn't. Since Christmas it has been very up and down and we have barely spoken in the last 2 weeks. I have suggested going out as a family, going out alone, a walk in the park, a trip to the cinema, all sorts just to try and get things going but he is never interested.

To be honest I really don't know what is for the best, I don't know if I keep trying because I worry about what will happen to the children, where will live, how we'll cope financially, or if its just we have been together so long most of my adult life that I don't really know anything else, or if I want it to work. The only think I do know is I can't carry on with things the way they are.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What would he do if you told him that you had met someone when on one of your days out without him?

Kill you, walk away, shrug his shoulders or be upset?

Your answer to this should help to gauge how you think he feels about you. Because staying due to wanting more cash/not wanting to be poorer is unfair to everyone else, especially the children expected to live in this atmosphere.


ETA: if things are really this bad, then it's clearly over between you. Just get on with it and put everyone out of their misery.

Plans_all_plans

So you have told him that you are going to leave him if things don't change and then nothing changes? Or have you just said you're not particularly happy at the moment?

What_Do_I_Do?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

What would he do if you told him that you had met someone when on one of your days out without him?

Kill you, walk away, shrug his shoulders or be upset?

Your answer to this should help to gauge how you think he feels about you. Because staying due to wanting more cash/not wanting to be poorer is unfair to everyone else, especially the children expected to live in this atmosphere.


ETA: if things are really this bad, then it's clearly over between you. Just get on with it and put everyone out of their misery.

I am not sure what he would do anymore to be honest.

I am not staying because I want his money, he doesn't really have much and I work too and always have done!

If you read my first post, my point was that I don't actually know how to leave, how do people do it, when there is a mortgage the council will not help, I have no money for a deposit, where do you go? What do you do? How do you actually find somewhere to take you children, without going from pillar to post.

What_Do_I_Do?

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

So you have told him that you are going to leave him if things don't change and then nothing changes? Or have you just said you're not particularly happy at the moment?

I have told him I am really unhappy, not said I will leave.