Disciplining a child

scooby088

I shouted at my girlfriends 9 y.o DD the other day, me and my gf were arguing about it, and she always says don't shout at my DD. Which i can sort of see, but on the other hand i am supposed to be the guardian of her DD.

So what am i supposed to do stay quiet, and let my gf sort it out or do i just carry on doing things as i have been?

complicated this is for me as i have asked close friends and they have said it's your house and your rules. I did sort of say to my gf if you don't like it then there's the door in the heat of the moment.

PinkLipgloss

I think its important to be a role model to children - treat them with the kind of respect that you expect them to show you. Therefore IMO you should not shout at a child.

That said, I'm am not saying you should not discipline her!. Have a chat with your gf and decide on how you should both discipline her (it is important that you are both "singing from the same hymn book" so to speak).

Jinx

Ohhh a difficult one!! I see what your friends are saying in that its your house, your rules - but that applies to taking your shoes off at the door, not how to discipline a child.

Do you all live together? How long have you been a family?

My now hubby met me when my DD was 13 and it took a very long time before he would every have shouted at her. In fact think he only has once as hes aware its a very special relationship between a step parent and child. Now after 6 years he could probably shout a lot and she'd shout back but its been teeny tiny steps (she now taps him for cash but if upset calls me). If something really bothered him it came from me so that if there was a 'bad' person it was me; as she'd forgive me more easily than him!!

Mrs_Arcanum

Thing is your girlfriends daughter will soon work out how to get her own way by playing one off against the other if you don't have the same rules/expectations of behaviour.

aliasojo

scooby088 wrote: »

I shouted at my girlfriends 9 y.o DD the other day, me and my gf were arguing about it....

So what am i supposed to do stay quiet, and let my gf sort it out or do i just carry on doing things as i have been?

Neither.

Shouting at a kid (of any age) isn't disciplining them, it's just being louder than them in a bullying manner.

I don't think it should only be your g/f always sorting things out either, but if you shout then I understand why she doesn't want you to have a hand in things.

Ignore your mates.

MrsManda

scooby088 wrote: »

?
complicated this is for me as i have asked close friends and they have said it's your house and your rules. I did sort of say to my gf if you don't like it then there's the door in the heat of the moment.

If you want to keep your GF I would ignore your friends in this case.
Are you a guardian for the DD?
It sounds like you need to sit down with your gf and discuss precisely how the two of you see living together working.

For example, are you a 'family' or does your GF want to live with you but be totally responsible for the child? What do you want? - can you come to an agreement/compromise?

When living together it's important to work out the ground rules as soon as possible - bills, spending, chores, etc... and this is even more important when a child is involved. Your gf is probably used to having total responsibility for her child and thus gets snippy about anyone criticising her DD. So you and she need to work out your joint responsibilties.
It's important to sit down and work out a compromise you can all live with.

Annisele

I think it depends why you shouted at her.

If it was "I can see you are about to do something dangerous and I need to get your attention right now so I can tell you to stop so you don't get hurt" - the shouting was IMO absolutely justified.

If it was "I've had a bad day and I'm tired and frustrated and fed up with your noise" - the shouting was bang out of order.

There's a lot in between those two!

Sambucus_Nigra

What sort of shouting?

GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THAT BUS? Is acceptable

SHUT UP AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK is not.

It depends on the context. Could please expand?

ETA: Snap with Annisele

cte1111

How does your GF discipline her child usually? I would suggest that you learn the methods that she uses and stick to them.

Shouting at a child doesn't really help change their behaviour, it just makes them scared of you. Can't say I've never shouted at my children but I don't think it's effective or kind.

Do you want to build a relationship with the child? If not, then go ahead and follow your mate's advice but expect to find yourself single in the near future.

pigpen

Shouting is futile with children anyway, it is a sign you have lost control.. cue worse behaviour.. unless saving their life!

At 9 she is quite old enough for you to say.. that is not acceptable here and ive her a reason and suggest something else she might do or ask what she would like to do. If her behaviour is really out of line.. deliberately reaking stuff or scribbling on the walls then her mum should deal with it..

I think you need to sit down with your gf and ask what she suggests you do to rein in unacceptable behaviour.

sillygoose

Its sounds a bit mercenary, but in the heat of the moment its always hard to think of a suitable sanction - I know I have said some stupid things under pressure like "do it again and you won't taste chocolate again until your 18". so its wise to consider what options you have before a situation needs them. What sanctions can you apply? such as ban computer game for a week or cancel a friends invited to come round.