Disciplining a child

scooby088

Jinx wrote: »

Ohhh a difficult one!! I see what your friends are saying in that its your house, your rules - but that applies to taking your shoes off at the door, not how to discipline a child.

Do you all live together? How long have you been a family?

My now hubby met me when my DD was 13 and it took a very long time before he would every have shouted at her. In fact think he only has once as hes aware its a very special relationship between a step parent and child. Now after 6 years he could probably shout a lot and she'd shout back but its been teeny tiny steps (she now taps him for cash but if upset calls me). If something really bothered him it came from me so that if there was a 'bad' person it was me; as she'd forgive me more easily than him!!

We have lived together for about 12 months now, but been together nearly three years. I find it really hard as i never wanted kids of my own, but i always thought i got on well with my girlfriends kids, i have no problem the her son.

I do back my girlfriend as i know that kids do try and play us off one another sometimes, but my girlfriend doesn't back me up, i am on the verge of just giving up on discipline and lets have a free for all.

DKLS

Give up, whatever you do you will be in the wrong, best suggestion is dump the gf and find one without the baggage.

Sambucus_Nigra

scooby088 wrote: »

We have lived together for about 12 months now, but been together nearly three years. I find it really hard as i never wanted kids of my own, but i always thought i got on well with my girlfriends kids, i have no problem the her son.

I do back my girlfriend as i know that kids do try and play us off one another sometimes, but my girlfriend doesn't back me up, i am on the verge of just giving up on discipline and lets have a free for all.

What did you actually shout then?

Filey

aliasojo wrote: »

Neither.

Shouting at a kid (of any age) isn't disciplining them, it's just being louder than them in a bullying manner.

I don't think it should only be your g/f always sorting things out either, but if you shout then I understand why she doesn't want you to have a hand in things.

Ignore your mates.

---

I don't understand why disciplining is considered by some to be the same as shouting. The two are by no means identical. Can we assume that the OP was shouted at by his parents and thinks that is how it is done?

Disciplining is correcting and hopefully preventing a certain behaviour. How you do it depends on what is the problem and how old the child is.
It is perfectly possible to use various means of disciplining without any shouting at all, but unfortunately we don't all have the patience of a saint and raised voices.

As others have said, you certainly need to discuss it with your GF and agree firstly what behaviour is not allowed and then how to handle it.

My Ex always assumed that the person who shouts loudest wins the argument. He may have won the battle but lost the war.

rachbc

Shouting isn't disciplining..its showing your own frustrations. Sit down with your gf and discuss a joint strategy for discipline.

Errata

No child deserves to be shouted at by any adult, unless it's in immenent danger. Sadly, many are because adults can't be a$$ed to control themselves and behave like adults.

barbiedoll

I don't like my husband shouting at my son and he is his father!

I agree, shouting is a loss of control. And a man shouting can seem scarier than a woman doing the same, although to a kid, it's probably as bad whoever is doing it.

However, children are very clever at playing parents off against one another, you shout at daughter, mum shouts at you, you two end up arguing and daughter is laughing because everyone has forgotten what she did wrong in the first place.

If her mum wants to live in your house as a family, you should have some input with the discipline, as long as you both agree what is acceptable behaviour for the children and for you and her. If you get annoyed because (for example) the kids leave their stuff lying around, but it doesn't bother mum, then you need to speak to her about what you expect from the kids, and she needs to tell you that either, a) you're right and you can discipline them for it, or, b) stop being so uptight, kids will be kids.

This sort of stuff goes on in all families. My DH will moan about things that really don't bother me. If I think he is being unreasonable, then I tell him so. But...I also tell my son that if Dad doesn't like him doing something, then he shouldn't do it, despite what I say. We are both his parents and we are both entitled to discipline him if we think his behaviour warrants it. Try speaking to your gf, tell her that you want to be part of this family and that includes setting boundaries for the kids behaviour. You shouldn't need to shout, (although let's face it, we've all done it) but you BOTH need to be clear about what is acceptable behaviour from the kids.

And don't listen to your mates, I daresay her friends will be saying a similar thing about you, but it's no-one else's business!

meritaten

sometimes you DO have to shout because asking nicely isnt working! a shout (if you dont normally do it) will get their attention! but, if you immediately follow that with your request in a normal voice will usually get compliance (as they dont want you to shout again)! its useful if not overused! a kid who is shouted at a lot will ignore it! (personal experience here). but, if the OPs partner does it, and she complains when HE does it - then its a control thing between OP and his OH. If she NEVER shouts at her child then she is justified to complain. and the op should have a talk with her about how she disciplines and try to follow HER guidelines. I honestly cannot think of many parents who havent shouted at their kids - in exasperation or fear for thier safety or others - just last week I really shouted at top volume at my 3 yr old grandson who was ignoring my requests NOT to throw my gravel around! he threw one lot which went over my garden fence and I really YELLED at him - my nieghbour is elderly and has two dogs which are usually outside and I was afraid he would hurt them! of course grandson cried and WOULD have been on the naughty step if his other nan hadnt turned up right then - but even she said he was naughty! the thing is - being on the same song sheet - it doesnt work if mum can discipline and you cant! kids soon learn who they take advantage of!

Jinx

scooby088 wrote: »

We have lived together for about 12 months now, but been together nearly three years. I find it really hard as i never wanted kids of my own, but i always thought i got on well with my girlfriends kids, i have no problem the her son.

I do back my girlfriend as i know that kids do try and play us off one another sometimes, but my girlfriend doesn't back me up, i am on the verge of just giving up on discipline and lets have a free for all.

You sound like my hubby, he didnt want kids but adores my now 19 year old! (and vice versa)

I think if you and your girlfriend have the same values and ideas on what is and isnt acceptable then its fine.... And again if its a small thing and the DD is just being annoying well again thats fine. However, if this is a total disagreement between you and your girlfriend then its that you need to sort out, not how to discipline a 9 year old in my opinion.

I must admit in my house I always had the ultimate say on any sanctions/discipline for my daughter but I think its cos she was older when I met my now hubby....plus she was 15 before we moved in together. He didnt always agree but we discussed it behind closed doors; there was never dissent in public! (ditto with ex-hubby, think its so important for kids)

Mrs_Stick

shouting at kids is not ideal (and I am not condoning it) but lets be honest, no one is perfect.

There are worse things that you can do to a child than shout at them.