Disciplining a child

balletshoes

Mrs_Stick wrote: »

shouting at kids is not ideal (and I am not condoning it) but lets be honest, no one is perfect.

There are worse things that you can do to a child than shout at them.

I think this situation is made more problematic because the OP isn't the child's parent, and they don't appear to have an agreement in place (OP and his girlfriend, the child's mum) as to who can do what regarding disciplining the children.

nearlyrich

My DH is not my children's real dad but we have always had joint rules and expectations and consequences, they respect him just as much as they respect me, have a discussion out of earshot of the child decide what is important to you both and agree on how the rules are enforced, don't give up on discipline altogether. When DH and I got together we had some differing opinions on some aspects of child rearing but we sorted it all out and worked as a team.

Janepig

Loving all these perfect parents who have never shouted at a child and make it sound like a hanging offence. <rolls eyes>.

Jxx

nearlyrich

Janepig wrote: »

Loving all these perfect parents who have never shouted at a child and make it sound like a hanging offence. <rolls eyes>.

Jxx

I am not perfect and I admit that I have shouted from time to time, I don't think it's the worst thing you can do to a child however if Mum and stepdad ( for want of a better term) are not using the same rules it gets messy and resentment creeps in. Children need boundaries and they need to be fairly consistant or they get confused;)

Janepig

nearlyrich wrote: »

I am not perfect and I admit that I have shouted from time to time, I don't think it's the worst thing you can do to a child however if Mum and stepdad ( for want of a better term) are not using the same rules it gets messy and resentment creeps in. Children need boundaries and they need to be fairly consistant or they get confused;)

I agree entirely - it's important for parents, step-parents, whoever, to be consistent and to agree with each other - the worst thing is one parent undermining the other in front of the child.

However some posters on here seem to consider shouting at a child to be tantamount to bullying, and although there are degrees of shouting, I've yet to meet a parent in RL who hasn't had to shout at their child for something or other.

Jxx

pigpen

Janepig wrote: »

However some posters on here seem to consider shouting at a child to be tantamount to bullying, and although there are degrees of shouting, I've yet to meet a parent in RL who hasn't had to shout at their child for something or other.

Jxx

Does shouting at a child for almost running in the road or putting their hand on the hob come under the same umbrella as shouting at a child for punching their baby sister in the face or being asked 1000 times to get dressed in a morning?

There are huge differences in aggressive/negative shouting and 'saving your life' shouting and total exasperation which are never taken into account. .. shouting isn't all negative emotion otherwise rugby matches would be silent, encores would never be had and countless children would be roadkill or maimed.

I shout at my children, not often because I am prone to tonsillitis and it always sets it off.. They frustrate me and make me cross but they also make me cheer and praise loudly..

I am trying to train OH in the ways of the chilled parent.. but he is a stress head and when he gets stressed his voice gets higher and louder rather than deeper and shouty and it portrays hysteria rather than authority.. I shall master it.

I have 'the look'.. lol

Janepig

pigpen wrote: »

Does shouting at a child for almost running in the road or putting their hand on the hob come under the same umbrella as shouting at a child for punching their baby sister in the face or being asked 1000 times to get dressed in a morning?

There are huge differences in aggressive/negative shouting and 'saving your life' shouting and total exasperation which are never taken into account. .. shouting isn't all negative emotion otherwise rugby matches would be silent, encores would never be had and countless children would be roadkill or maimed.

I shout at my children, not often because I am prone to tonsillitis and it always sets it off.. They frustrate me and make me cross but they also make me cheer and praise loudly..

I am trying to train OH in the ways of the chilled parent.. but he is a stress head and when he gets stressed his voice gets higher and louder rather than deeper and shouty and it portrays hysteria rather than authority.. I shall master it.

I have 'the look'.. lol

Oh I've got "the look" too!! Forgot about that. Although it doesn't work at times such as when as DS (5) is playing with his friends on the field outside school while we wait for DD and decides to pee up against the only tree on the field in full view of everyone (peeing in public is his party piece!). I'm like a banshee. DS's name echos around the streets near the school, and in all honesty I do wonder why I bother - I've yet to come across anyone or anything that he'll take notice of!! Although I'd rather someone tell their child off, even if it's shouting (within reason) than the parents of some of the unruly brats in DS's class who are allowed to be as beastly as they like while their mothers casually turn a blind eye.

Jxx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The ex would shout at us when he was angry - which was most of the time.

The actual force of the air leaving his lungs in full bellow was like being slapped in the face and thumped in the chest for me - I can't imagine how terrifying it was for the girls, as he was 6 foot 5 of pure rage. It can also damage the hearing.

He was occasionally violent - I got a pasting the one time he didn't shout but went for his belt when DD had backchatted at the age of 3 and I put myself between him and her, only backing off the next time when I grabbed a kitchen knife as he picked me up by the throat and dangled me 2 foot off the ground (to be precise, he ran away and never came back).

But what scared them most was the shouting.

It feels like a physical attack if it's loud enough.

[notwithstanding the 'STOP!' at the roadside or 'Hurry up!' that are essential parts of life with children]

Gingham_Ribbon

You and your partner should be disciplining together and you need to sit down and discuss it when she's not there.

The one thing I should say is, if you told her 'if you don't like it there's the door' infront of the child, you're probably going to have to spend a while undoing that.

She may think that her home is vulnerable - that you can kick her and her mum out if things don't go well. This can cause 2 problems - she may feel insecure and test you for a while or she may really want to leave and push every boundary in the hope that you'll follow through your threat.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean but this one may need some sorting out to fix.

mrs_marty

My hubby is step Dad to my two children, and the first time he told them off I took it badly to the point I actually felt defensive of them as in someone who isnt there mother is telling them off, it took me a while to settle into a comfortable state, now I actually think they pay more attention to him than me when it comes to a ticking off, maybe this is your girlfriends issue.

As to regards of shouting at children then yes it isn't ideal and we would all love to be super nanny and not shout but I'm sorry in my house where there are two warring children waking a baby, screaming at each other, knocking lumps out each other then hand me the worst mum in the world trophy as heaven forbid I shout at them! They are 5 and 7 boy and girl they will and shall fight!