arguement over a baby monitor

hulagirl79

I wanted to ask peoples opinions on this situation which has got well out of hand. I am currently pregnant not that far along. My partners best friends niece died last year of sids (i think thats what you call it ) it was obviously an extremely sad time for them and the family.
Now we have told them we are expecting, they have said congrats etc but the next thing he has said was to buy baby monitor with a mat that goes under the mattress that sets an alarm off if the baby stops moving etc. Now my mum has bought us a brand new monitor, so we dont need another one.
I explained this to them the one they were talking about costs over £90. Which i feel we could spend on something else. I did try to be as gentle about it but they have basicaly said well you would get one if you cared enough.
Now i know i can never understand how they feel but i feel to say that was extremely unfair.
Am i being wrong.

Thanks for any advice. X

jinky67

I dont think you are being wrong, you dont feel like you need one, and they shouldnt be pushing their ideas on you. At the end of the day you cannot really stop stuff from happening. A lot of baby manufacturers play on parents fears so they buy stuff that it not really needed, its big business.

You cannot wrap kids in cotton wool

thats my 2p worth anyway

For the record I never had any sort of monitor at all, and never would either

gratefulforhelp_2

They are being idiotic because they are grieving. You can afford what you can afford, I haven't seen any advice on SIDS that says having a fancy baby monitor reduces the incidence of it.

There are lots of things you can do - off the top of my head, not smoking or having smokers in the house or near the baby, keeping baby's cot in your room until 6 months, not falling asleep with baby on the sofa...

mummyroysof3

i think its a very personal decision to make really, i had one with a mat for all 3 of mine, i got second hand off ebay though so didnt pay that much. i dont agree with them saying about not caring enough though. alot of people i know with kids hadnt even heard of them lol i think as long as you follow the cot death prevention advise to minimise the risk then thats all you can do.

i wonder if anyone who has used a monitor like that has actually been able to prevent the baby dieing, our alarms would go off if baby wasnt directly lying on it so was a nightmare when they started shuffling round the cot more

donteatthat

I got bought the BT monitor as a present but I did buy the angelcare one myself for my baby for when he was asleep as I wasn't reassured enough with the sound only one for overnight. It's up to you what you get and their emotions will be pretty raw so I am sure they are not trying to upset you, more just trying to say that you can never anticipate what might happen when it comes to babies. No-one expects that their baby might be born early, sick, or die.
It may be the case that having an apnoea monitor wouldn't have saved their baby - all they do it alert you to a problem fast but if you don't know how to resuscitate a baby they are of limited use.
I spend a lot of time on a forum for preemie babies, and we pretty much all have the movement monitors for extra peace of mind (our babies are more at risk of SIDS and we are shown how to resuscitate them before discharge). I use the sound monitor that was bought as a gift downstairs when my baby is having a snooze and I'm leaving him in a different room as the other one is a pain to move anyway as it's under the mattress.
You don't need to make a decision until later, and you might feel that once your baby is home you have different feelings about what you want.
Sorry this is a bit rambling, but it's not worth being upset with them, or worrying about. If it makes them feel better just tell them you are getting the other monitor too!

fsdss

i suspect the trauma is still too raw for your partners best friend so dont be too hard with him.

SIDs (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) is extreemly rare nowadays thankfully, have a look at these guidelines and reassure your friend you have researched the current advice

http://www.warwickshire.nhs.uk/KnowledgeAndAdvice/Knowledge/PatientInfo/ConditionDetail.aspx?Title=Sudden-infant-death-syndrome&DisplayTitle=Sudden+infant+death+syndrome+%28SIDS%29&SectionTitle=Prevention

donteatthat

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

i wonder if anyone who has used a monitor like that has actually been able to prevent the baby dieing, our alarms would go off if baby wasnt directly lying on it so was a nightmare when they started shuffling round the cot more

Thats what they said at the hospital about them that they went off alot, but the angelcare one is sensitive enough that it works even if the baby isn't lying directly on it. It's a very good monitor in anycase aside from the movement sensor but as you say it's a personal decision based on circumstances so not for anyone to say "oh you must have this or that".

tattycath

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

They are being idiotic because they are grieving.

There are lots of things you can do - off the top of my head, not smoking or having smokers in the house or near the baby, keeping baby's cot in your room until 6 months, not falling asleep with baby on the sofa...

That's a very harsh comment-yes they are grieving, so their rationale will probably be on the extremely cautious side-that does not make them idiots.
OP - get what's right for you, maybe a more diplomatic approach would have been to have been non-commital. On the lines of-it being early on in your pregnancy, you'll give it some thought, thanks for the info, i'll bear it in mind-that kind of thing.

hulagirl79

Thanks for all your replies.
I must say i am of the opinion that i have not seen any evidence to suggest that these monitors help stop a child from dying and i am a nanny and know what you need to do to minimise the risks. I have had other people go through this before so i do know how devestating it is. I think my main problem is that i dont know these people that well and felt quite taken aback with what they said and how they said it.
Thanks again for your replies. X

heretolearn_2

They said something foolish and hurtful, but you know it's because they are grieving, so I'm sure you can forgive them. They probably feel embarrassed about having said it now.

Just put it behind you and pretend it was never said. You are quite right, these monitors are not necessary or helpful unless you maybe have a history of SIDS or a premmie baby or one with health issues, AND you know what to do if the alarm goes off. Having one for a perfectly healthy baby is sheer paranoia and it'll drive you bonkers with all the false alarms.

euronorris

I wouldn't take it personally Hula. They are in the midst of grief and probably still thinking about the 'what if's', and I'm willing to bet that the monitor they recommended is one of their 'what if's'.

In their grief, it's hard for them to think rationally and realise that it may not have made any difference at all. Plus, as this is your partner's best friend, he probably wants to remove any chance of him having to experience the same pain.

I understand why you were taken aback though. x