Sad and shameful diary of a mum

skintchick

Is there a SureStart centre near you? Find out if they have stuff on when you are not working, that you could take the kids to, like messy play sessions, because that's a really easy way of doign stuff with them that doesn;t result in loads of cleaning up.

Also, just blcok out maybe ten mins to focus on them and do a game, jigsaw, drawing, whatever, and otherwise try and get them involved in what you're doing. My 19mo DD 'helps' with all my housework lol.

But there is no shame in using CBeebies sometimes, nor in having aa bit of time for a sit down and cuppa while they play alone.

Just try and balance it.

Most of what you're feeling is depression talking, it is paralysing and insidious, and you shoudl feel better once you start taking some meds and getting help.

snowmaid

Strawberries wrote: »

Hi,

I am starting this diary as my personal journey into becoming a better mum...and better person.

I am a mum of two lovely children, whom I love dearly. I am ashamed to say I am not a very good mum to them. I struggle on a daily basis with my mental health and I am determined to do something about it.

When I say I am not a good mum, I don't mean that in the sense that I neglect them.....they are spotless clean, well fed, live in clean and tidy house, go to school every day, go to their activities....but I neglect them in other ways. I never spend any time with them....I don't really know why...probably because there is always something "more important to do".....like housework etc. Their young lives are slipping away and I am not enjoying them.

I am ashamed to say I have smacked them in the past. I never want to be in that situation again. I took days to recover from it and it still fills me with remorse and shame. But I sometimes feel close to it again and that scares me.

How do I become a better mum?? My husband works away from home most of the time, and really is no support to me. I am fighting a losing battle with that one. I work part time in a job I don't really like, but it's well paid for what I do and I have no other skills.

Tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with my doctor and see about going on anti depressants. I took them years ago (5 odd years) and I am disappointed with myself but don't think I have any other option. I am slowly getting worse. My daughter told her nursery teacher the other day that mummy is always crying and that she is sad too.

Oh well, thanks for reading...hopefully this is the start of my journey into becoming a better person....x

You sound like a normal mum to me. Recently there were articles about how under pressure modern day mums are to appear as this perfect mother/wife etc, when in reality everyone is trying to just keep their head above water. Mums who stand at the school gates, portraying this wonderful life of balance, activities with the kids etc, are probably sitting in the same position as you and me.

If you have depression, then get that treated, but stop feeling guilty about the amount of time you spend with your kids etc.

OrkneyStar

Not much to add, other than well done for starting to do something.
You know yourself when things don't feel right, and from what you say they are not great for you!
Remember though, no-one is a perfect mum/wife/housewife/etc/etc...be gentle on yourself.

fsdss

i dont think you are a bad mum at all......no ones perfect....theres no such thing as a perfect parent! i would love to have a clean and tidy home AND get the children to school on time (im always a couple of minutes late) but i do spend time with the children.

anyway the point i want to make is that i think you should take small steps to have that quality time....if you went gun ho into spending time on the children, you would divert your worries onto something else. i suggest that you set aside 1/2 an hour a day to have family time....something like make fairy cakes, or put some happy music on and dance with them for a song or two (plus exercise increases happy hormones) - read them a book, play with make -up.....then just build it up gradually, even sitting to eat a meal equates to spending time with the kids, however young they are they can help you by setting the table putting out drinks etc- talk about their friends, what they have been doing, and get them into a routine to help clear the table!

the key point is Gradually increase these

nad1611

I know it sounds a bit cliche, but you are a good Mum look what you worte in the first two lines, you said "i love them dearly", you also went to the trouble and were courageous enough to bare all and come on here not knowing what response you might have got.

One thing you definetly need is support and don't be afraid or feel you've failed for asking for it. You want to do the right thing by your children and the choices you make now will have a profound effect on them for the rest of their lives.
Many of us who don't have any mental health issues find parenting difficult and no matter what you belileve we don't get it right all the time either. Especially as you're basically coping alone.

Go and see your GP or someone who you think will listen it may be that other things can be put in place for you and you may even manage without medication, as you no doubt know telling someone is often the hardest thing.

You should feel proud that you love your children enough to want to make the changes necessary to make all of your lives happier.I wish you all the luck in the world.

Shelley84

I'm glad I read this thread. I don't really have any advice, I'm not very good at giving any! But I would like to tell you my struggles as maybe that will help you see you are not alone.

My DS is 5. I love him with all my heart, he is my whole life. But I'm a shouter. I was always a calm person until he was born, then it was almost like I could shout at him because he can't retaliate. I find myself getting so irritated and frustrated with him so easily over the stupidest of things. Mornings are the worst because I'm just so tired. I hate myself for it, and tell myself every day 'I will not lose my temper with him for no reason' and every day I do it again. I try so hard but it's almost like I can't control it. I have smacked him twice, both times I cried for a long time while cuddling him and saying sorry. I have sworn never to do it again and I know I never will. I don't know how to get better with this.

I really wish you all the best with this and know that you are a good mother who loves her children x

Penny_pauper

Hi Strawberries,
You are a good mum and please be honest with the GP when you see them. I suffered post natal depression after the birth of my wee one and was more or less frog marched to the GP's by my husband. In the consultation I down played everything as I was excrutiatingly embarressed at having to admit I was losing myself and not coping with this tiny new person. In the end I wasted precious time with my wee one as I avoided taking medication and dragged out feeling awful. Having completed a course of antidepressants I can honestly say it was the best thing I have ever done for me and my family. I wish you well and hope that you get the help you need and deserve.
PP
x

squibbs25

Hi OP,
How you doing?
Not seen you on this thread and wondered if your ok?

vincenta

Hello!
I don't think that you are bad mum either!
You are amazing mum who take care of her kids, home, work and forget about yourself.
Don't forget that first of all you are woman, when you wear nice clothes, a little bit make up and then you look at mirror and give yourself a big smile, you are gorgeous and you can do everything. If you didn't care what you are wearing and you look on mirror and see someone who hardly looks like you, it make your day worse. Try to find time for yourself too.By the way sometimes I need to do a lot of housework and cooking. There is no time for plays with my toddler, then i show him how he can help me, wash something, or put some toys, clothes on their places, he thinks that this is funny, we do things together.Even cook, he enjoy making cookies with cookie cutlers,we sing some songs together while are doing something useful, everyone is happy, son because he had mummies attention, spend interesting time together, mummy because she did everything she needs and daddy, who come home after work and house is clean and shiny, everyone is happy eating homemade cookies with evening tea:)

pupsicola

I think you are being really hard on yourself. Your children sound really well cared for. Being a parent is not easy and not everyone adapts to it in the same way.

I personally found the baby stage bloody hard work. Not just the amount that needed doing to care for an infant. But that for months on end you dont seem to get much back.

I am not naturally maternal and struggled to get down and play with my kids. In a way that they would enjoy. Take your time and dont make a chore out of it.

Do one nice thing each day. Maybe sit and do a drawing with your kids one day. Find a book down the library that you enjoyed as a child and sit and read it to them, chapter by chapter over a few nights before bedtime. Go down the park with them and watch how agile and able they are climbing, running around and having fun. Take pleasure in the little things in life.

Be kind to yourself lots too. To become a better person you have to first like yourself and value yourself. Then you can see that others appreciate you too.