Sad and shameful diary of a mum

Strawberries

Hi,

I am starting this diary as my personal journey into becoming a better mum...and better person.

I am a mum of two lovely children, whom I love dearly. I am ashamed to say I am not a very good mum to them. I struggle on a daily basis with my mental health and I am determined to do something about it.

When I say I am not a good mum, I don't mean that in the sense that I neglect them.....they are spotless clean, well fed, live in clean and tidy house, go to school every day, go to their activities....but I neglect them in other ways. I never spend any time with them....I don't really know why...probably because there is always something "more important to do".....like housework etc. Their young lives are slipping away and I am not enjoying them.

I am ashamed to say I have smacked them in the past. I never want to be in that situation again. I took days to recover from it and it still fills me with remorse and shame. But I sometimes feel close to it again and that scares me.

How do I become a better mum?? My husband works away from home most of the time, and really is no support to me. I am fighting a losing battle with that one. I work part time in a job I don't really like, but it's well paid for what I do and I have no other skills.

Tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with my doctor and see about going on anti depressants. I took them years ago (5 odd years) and I am disappointed with myself but don't think I have any other option. I am slowly getting worse. My daughter told her nursery teacher the other day that mummy is always crying and that she is sad too.

Oh well, thanks for reading...hopefully this is the start of my journey into becoming a better person....x

stebiz

Big hugs!! I suffer from depression and am also on Anti Depressants. Your post is shouting out, that you too need help. The worst thing about depression, is that you feel worthless and useless.

It is a hard world out there. If you have a nice home, feed and clothe them, then you are halfway there.

As your husband is away, a lot of pressure it put on you. Fortunately my wife doesn't work away. When I'm going through a bad time, she can hold the fort, whilst I go and have a lie down. You can't, you poor soul.

My two older children (teenagers) know Dad has a bit of a problem. the little one doesn't yet. But they also know that he would do anything for them and loves them more than life itself. Providing you can get this across to your children, this will help you and them.

Good Luck!!

HappyMJ

You sound like a good mum to me.... Put some money aside and take them out on the weekend. Take them on the bus/train to somewhere you want to go to for a day out. Doesn't have to be expensive even a walk in the country would be fine. I'm not one for spending a huge amount of money so I take my oh and her daughter just out for a walk. Last place was a walk around Blithfield Reservoir(I live in the midlands). Fantastic seeing nature plenty of animals and saw many different birds. That was free...only had to get there. Only complaint was the walk was a bit long...Lack of exercise on their part I think.

grey_lady

Hi Strawberries, I was wondering, do you know what's causing the depression? E.g. It must be really hard on your marriage and therefore you to have a husband that works away, could that be contributing? Is the job bearable, or does it really get you down? Do you get a break or me time, or are you constantly on the go with kids/work/house?

If your depressed because your current situation is getting you down then have you thought about counselling?

Strawberries

Oh my goodness...two replies! I didn't honestly expect any.

I am not a good mum though...I do the practical stuff...cook, clean, school work etc.....but I don't do the important stuff and that is to spend time with them and show them I love them. I have no time for them. I feel guilty if I do because I feel it's a waste of time and unproductive. I am ashamed to say that.

Something really strange is going on when I'm sleeping also.....I feel like I have stopped breathing and sometimes I have an out of body experience and actually think I have died....it's kind of like a panic attack....I have never actually had one of those, but I can imagine that is what they are like (I think??). It's probably not though, because they probably don't occur when you are sleeping?? A couple of times it's been that bad, I have got out of bed and been shouting "oh no" in my room...it's like I feel I have died and I am crying out oh no...oh no...

Yip, I sound weird....to look at me I am an average working class lady - if only people knew. Think I am slowly losing the plot. So embarassing....x

squoog

You are a good and brave person. Admitting the truth to yourself is a good place to start.
Do you have any good support around you? friends, family? Ask for help, you ARE worth it!
It is very hard to keep giving if no one is looking after you.
Try and find just 15 mins to give the children your undivided attention and then explain that you have things to do.
Could you ask the GP about counselling, as well as/ instead of anti depressants?
I look forward to seeing you feel better about things and enjoying your lovely children.
Big hugs )

stebiz

Strawberries wrote: »

Oh my goodness...two replies! I didn't honestly expect any.

I am not a good mum though...I do the practical stuff...cook, clean, school work etc.....but I don't do the important stuff and that is to spend time with them and show them I love them. I have no time for them. I feel guilty if I do because I feel it's a waste of time and unproductive. I am ashamed to say that.

Something really strange is going on when I'm sleeping also.....I feel like I have stopped breathing and sometimes I have an out of body experience and actually think I have died....it's kind of like a panic attack....I have never actually had one of those, but I can imagine that is what they are like (I think??). It's probably not though, because they probably don't occur when you are sleeping?? A couple of times it's been that bad, I have got out of bed and been shouting "oh no" in my room...it's like I feel I have died and I am crying out oh no...oh no...

Yip, I sound weird....to look at me I am an average middle class lady - if only people knew. Think I am slowly losing the plot. So embarassing....x

Not strange at all. Your body is tired but your brain continues worrying through the night. I'm no psychiatrist, but I have seen counsellors before and do also suffer from sleep disorders, because of my depression. I was even on sleeping tablets at one stage because it got so bad.

Your Doc. will decide what course of action is best. But you need to see one, and be able to talk through your problems. Try and give your kids a big hug, and tell them that although you don't always show it, you are always there for them, and you love them so much.

I must tell my kids 1/2 dozen times a day, that I love them. I also give them plenty of hugs. Makes me feel so much better.

squoog

Strawberries wrote: »

Something really strange is going on when I'm sleeping also.....

Go to the GP and ask to be referred for a sleep study. I could have written your post a couple of years ago. I had some blood tests and was found to be anaemic, low thyroid and also have sleep apnoea. Things are slowly being fixed, the sleep problem the most recently diagnosed. I just had to wear a pulse oximeter overnight and this showed that my oxygen sats were dropping to 60% many times in the night. I had the strange experiences of weird dying dreams and waking in panic also.
All the above conditions can cause depression and are relatively common in women.
If your GP is unsympathetic, go back and see another. There are many in my practice and I went back and forth, until the 5th dr really listened and is getting me sorted.

Gingham_Ribbon

Strawberries wrote: »

Something really strange is going on when I'm sleeping also.....I feel like I have stopped breathing and sometimes I have an out of body experience and actually think I have died....it's kind of like a panic attack....I have never actually had one of those, but I can imagine that is what they are like (I think??). It's probably not though, because they probably don't occur when you are sleeping?? A couple of times it's been that bad, I have got out of bed and been shouting "oh no" in my room...it's like I feel I have died and I am crying out oh no...oh no...

I have experienced similar. I'm suffering from depression too again. Sometimes at night I feel like I'm choking and my throat gets tighter and tighter until I think I'm not going to be able to take another breath.

I know that in my case it's because I'm an asthmatic and the fear of not being able to breathe is probably subconsciously there much of the time, although I don't think about it.

I'm glad you came here to talk about it and I hope you find support from your GP. This is an illness. It's NOT your fault.

gingin_2

I think you should be really proud of yourself for posting.

You should change your thread title to something more positive, to mark the start of a change. You've been open and honest, you shouldn't feel sad and ashamed, treat yesterday as the day you hit rock bottom and try and work up from there.

Take small steps, why not post one thing you will do today with your children and come back here after you have done it. A board game, making cakes, snuggling up on the sofa and watching a movie, or a reading a few stories might be a nice idea.

I know what it's like to have a husband who works away a lot and can offer very little support. It's hard when the children are younger but it does get easier, I promise.

Alikay

I think you're being too hard on yourself OP: You're going to see your GP and managing well with a busy daily routine. My DH has always worked away a lot and I know it's incredibly hard knowing the responsibility for the children is solely yours. The sleep disturbance sounds horrible, and must be very scary when you're alone in the house with the children....everything seems worse in those wee small hours doesn't it?

Hopefully your GP will be able to help. Does your OH know how you're feeling? Often when they work away they just see that everything's running smoothly and the kids are thriving so assume all is fine.