Why does she treat me like this?

mountainofdebt

Let me start my saying I love my mum to bits but there are occasions when I wonder ........

We've just come back from visiting her and I knew it was going to be awkward as on friday I had a phone call to say my father had had a heart attack (bit of background : I haven't spoken to him for 17 years after the way he treated my mum when they split/divorced) and to be honest I wasn't sure how I should react - don't believe in being hypocritical and if I'd raced up to the hospital I can well imagine the comments that would have been levied at me.

Anyway nothing I did or say was right - and after 5 minutes I felt like walking out. We're supposed to be going shopping on the weekend (arranged for about a fortnight) but apparently she may be going up to see my sister now so I don't know if we will or won't.

Hubby and I do everything we can for her and yet it seems that's not enough and yet my sister who does sweet nothing for her, preferring to throw money at the problem if you know what I mean, seems to get off scot free from her attitude.

Why does she treat me this way and why do I allow her to do so?

pavlovs_dog

no advice MoD, just wanted to send a hug and let you know you're not alone. unfortunately my mother and i have never been that close (brother does no wrong, i can do no right at times :rolleyes: ) so i know what you're going through :grouphug:

why do you let her treat you like that? if you're anything like me, its because you love her even though you know what a B*tch she can be, and you know that you only get one mum, so you keep on working at it in the hope to win her round eventually. oh, and you vow never to do the same with your kids

chin up chuck, sometimes you just have to learn to let the bad behaviour go over your head and smile sweetly all the while xx

Miss_Cinnabon

Is she closer to you than your sister, she maybe feels that she can take it out on you as u are the one that is always there maybe? have u tried talking to her to let her know how u feel, how does she feel about your dad now, is she close to him, has it come to a shock to her maybe?

Sending loads of hugs, me and mum are close but we do have heated moments at times as we are both stubborn! love her to bits though, wouldnt want it any other way.

Let us know how u get on

Kyle

jennron

maybe shes worried about her ex husband, but she shouldnt use you to vent her frustrations. this weekend be busy if she changes her mind (again) and say you thought she was visiting your sister so you regretfully. made other plans.
Mums can be awkward, but because we love them it hurts when then upset us

mountainofdebt

I'm guessing the situation has something to do with my father, although I don't think its concern as she refers to him only using swear words, even after 17 years, lol!

She does talk to me in a way she would never dream of talking to my sister - but there again my sister wouldn't let mum get away with it.

Hubby reckons I should let her stew in her own juice - in fact he was annoyed with me for letting her get away with her attitude last night.

Trouble is I do love her to bits (always knew it but didn't realise how much until a recent health scare) but its at times like these I wonder why.

blackcateddie

I had some reiki last year and my practioner asked me some question about what makes me happy and sad. I mentioned that I thought my mum wasn't very caring and had a very hard attitude and that the thing I love most is my daughter sitting on my lap with her arms round my neck.

She said that I should thank my mum for making me want to give my daughter the best, that her treatment of me was 'her problem' that she had her own cross to bear and that I should think about the good things I do because of that.

I do remember coming away thinking what a pile of bulls**t but it has made me see Mum in a different light. As I've got older I realised I'm not alone, lots of people feel like this and the trick is to not pass that one to your kids.

Look at yourself in the mirror and think of all the hundred and one good things about yourself - it's not you, it's just your mum being your mum and you can't change that. Life is too short to spend any part of it feeling cr*p for what someone else is doing - move on and you will feel better, not instantly but you will, good luck

pickle

Maybe you should stop trying so hard so she has to come to you rather than you doing all the work. Sometimes you have to change your behaviour in order to effect a change in others. I think sometimes we try to win the approval of our parents and especially those who treat us badly, as if we're trying to get the attention which is absent. I can't say whether this is the case in your situation but from a superficial glean of your post it would seem that she takes you a bit for granted. The reason she runs after your sister might be that she doesn't get the attention that she needs from her but she does from you so she tries harder with her. It feels awful to be treated like that I know but think how much you get from your husband and others in your life, maybe this is where you should direct your energies from now on so you feel better about things and ignore her a bit. Then she'll have to work a bit harder.

djdido2

hi mountainofdebt.

i too share the same type of problem with you although obviously the circumstances are very different. my sister is the so called "black sheep of the family" but gets all the help/support and attention from my mother. there are four of us altogether and i am sure my elder sister emigrated to oz to get away from this problem.

i have my own business and am a single mum to two wonderful kids but i feel like an outsider and would never be able to confront my mother as my father would step in and tell me to leave it. this has happened since i was a child. all my siblings are free to give their opinion but i get shot down for it. i am 34 and still looking for answers??????


i find myself trying to please my mother and it is never good enough!!

victory

black cat that is so right what you say about not passing on to the kids what you had as a child.. my mother was not very demonstrative and now I have my two boys I absolutely make sure that every morning as they go off to school I always say 'have a nice day, I love you' and before they go to bed, I give them time which is priceless, listen to them, hear what they are saying, make them feel loved, wanted, cared for and above all every time I do that it makes me feel the better person, my mother is the looser as she could not or did not want to have an emotional, loving relationship with me and I am enriched now with the love I give my kids and my kids give me xxx

mountainofdebt

with no communciations at all.

It turns out that mum was worried about a test that she was having today (which was connected with her recent health scare) - but to be honest I wasn't worried as she had 3 confirmations that the initial test was clear and so on the face it there was no apparent reason for the test today apart from NHS delays in getting this test booked.

Apparently she was upset at my 'lack of concern' because I hadn't mentioned it - but as I pointed out to her a) she could have told me how much she was concerned and b) asked me to come to the hospital with her (which I would have gladly done) but no I'm supposed to be a mind reader.

Trouble is I do love her to bits (during recent said health scare I was crying all the way to work some days) and if the tests had turned out positive would have gladly been there every inch of the way for her but this seems to have been forgotten all because I perceived there to be no problem and she wouldn't open her mouth to tell me otherwise.

The worrying bit for my son is that apparently my nan was like my mum towards my aunty!!!

beachbeth

I know how you feel. My mum is the same with me a lot of the time. When I first got married my husband and I went out of our way to do everything to please her and still couldn't do right for doing wrong. I got to the point where I decided I just wouldn't try any more. The funny thing is we get on much better now. I have brother (who I love!) who, as a child, was always able to get away with murder and yet I was pulled up on the slightest thing. The thing with my brother is that he always hits the roof if she moans at him (which puts her off doing it again!) whereas I used to cower down and be upset. So now if she upsets me I make sure she knows I am angry and will stop visiting her for a while.

Sometimes you have to just realise that their attitude is their problem and if they are annoyed then that is their problem too and not yours because you haven't done anything.