I dont know what to do??

pigpen

TBH after her behaving like a spoiled child I'd not offer any kind of compromise. I'd text saying 'I appreciated the offer of your help and MIL acted without conslting me which you would be aware of had you not hung up in a tantrum. When you can speak to me like a grown up I will be here.'

Don't you dare apologise for her hissy fit.. she is a grown woman and need to get a grip and a life! I seriously despise people that try to emulate others, I had a friend that did it.. she got herself palmed off on someone who loved it.. win win!!

If she bothers speaking to you eventually.. as these weirdo types do.. make it a fresh start and don't let her take over your life.. it is so draining and irritating!

miss_independent

Its a difficult one. Apart from all the annoying things, do you actually enjoy speaking to her and spending time with her? Are you better off not being friends with her? Because if you stop trying to contact her now and pandering to her childish temper then perhaps the situation now could be your get-out.

Her reaction was extreme certainly. I do wonder though if she is lonely and because of this and her being a bit over-sensitive she has taken it more to heart than she should have. It is a typical sign of low self-esteem to react extremely (i.e x ignored me, they hate me when actually x just didn't see you on the other side of the street.). I was going through a tough time a few years ago and one of the only things I felt I could rely upon was my friendship with my best-friend. I was grateful to her for being there and I'd often treat her to a special gift at her birthday or to coffee.

I was quite lonely at home and it was always nice to see her and get a bit of a break from everything that was happening and have a laugh. I thought she felt the same way about me. When she got pregnant I was the first person she told and I would drive her places when she needed, even late at night and carry her shopping for her. To be honest she took advantage of me a bit, never offered petrol money even though she lived in another town. I will never forget how hurt I was when she told me that she was organising a baby shower and when I text her offering my help she text back "No thanks, my best friend and I are planning it together, just the two of us." I did burst out crying but never let her know how hurt I was. Also I didn't have a clue who this best friend was, to be honest I thought I was her best friend. Turned out that she had only known her best friend a couple of months. And the baby shower was pretty boring in the end lol! But it made me wake up and smell the coffee and see that I really wasn't as hugely important in her life as she was in mine and I stopped relying on her so much. My point is clearly you mean more to her than she means to you. Take it as a compliment. Recognise that she is probably dealing with some other issues and keep your distance. When my mum had friends coming over too much uninvited she would drop a hint that my dad was getting tired of us not spending enough time alone as a family. Maybe, if its an issue you could pass the buck...

meritaten

immortalprincess wrote: »

Thank you all for replying.

My friend was going to buy the stuff for the sandwiches, and then I was going to give her the money back. As friend had said she hadnt bought in anything yet, I didnt think it would be a problem, but, obviously for her it is. I didnt think about getting the items from MIL and giving them to my friend, I dont know why I didnt, and it is the simple answer to the solution.

Ive tired to phone my friend to speak to her, but, she isnt answering. ive sent a text to ask her why she is so mad, and Im not sure what Ive done to offend her.

She has a family of her own, and she seems happy, hasnt said anything otherwise, and TBH if she was unhappy with her family life I think she would tell me, because she has told me other problems she has had.
She doesnt have any other friends, only me. Ive known her for about 12 years, but, only been actually friendly with her for about a year.

If she speaks to me, I will say to her that she can make the sandwiches if its so important to her, because my MIL wont be offended.

Things have been "bubbling" away in the surface with me for a while with the way she has been, and with her now acting like this, its making me a bit more mad, and I am now concerned that im going to say something I later regret. I dont want to hurt her feelings.

Theres also been times when Ive maybe said/txt to her "speak to you later", and if I dont phone her, she will call me and say " you havent contacted me and ive been waiting in all night for you to call"!!!!

havent you wondered why she doesnt have friends? I feel sorry for her, but, she sounds like the type to get fixated on you. Thats why she doesnt have friends - she insinuates herself into your life until you feel this way. then you will drop her and she will move on to someone else!
YOU cant change her hun, all you can do is try to keep her on the peripathy of your life - and if you can't then you have to drop her too! for your own sanity!

immortalprincess

miss_independent wrote: »

Its a difficult one. Apart from all the annoying things, do you actually enjoy speaking to her and spending time with her? Are you better off not being friends with her? Because if you stop trying to contact her now and pandering to her childish temper then perhaps the situation now could be your get-out.

Her reaction was extreme certainly. I do wonder though if she is lonely and because of this and her being a bit over-sensitive she has taken it more to heart than she should have. It is a typical sign of low self-esteem to react extremely (i.e x ignored me, they hate me when actually x just didn't see you on the other side of the street.). I was going through a tough time a few years ago and one of the only things I felt I could rely upon was my friendship with my best-friend. I was grateful to her for being there and I'd often treat her to a special gift at her birthday or to coffee.

I was quite lonely at home and it was always nice to see her and get a bit of a break from everything that was happening and have a laugh. I thought she felt the same way about me. When she got pregnant I was the first person she told and I would drive her places when she needed, even late at night and carry her shopping for her. To be honest she took advantage of me a bit, never offered petrol money even though she lived in another town. I will never forget how hurt I was when she told me that she was organising a baby shower and when I text her offering my help she text back "No thanks, my best friend and I are planning it together, just the two of us." I did burst out crying but never let her know how hurt I was. Also I didn't have a clue who this best friend was, to be honest I thought I was her best friend. Turned out that she had only known her best friend a couple of months. And the baby shower was pretty boring in the end lol! But it made me wake up and smell the coffee and see that I really wasn't as hugely important in her life as she was in mine and I stopped relying on her so much. My point is clearly you mean more to her than she means to you. Take it as a compliment. Recognise that she is probably dealing with some other issues and keep your distance. When my mum had friends coming over too much uninvited she would drop a hint that my dad was getting tired of us not spending enough time alone as a family. Maybe, if its an issue you could pass the buck...

I do actually like spending time with her. She can be good fun. I usually go to see her one night during the week for coffee, or sometimes she will come to see me.

She isnt my best friend though, I have other friends who I class as mu "best friends" and I would never expect them to act the way she does.

She has done me favours in the past which I have been very grateful for, but, in turn I have also done favours for her (by this I mean maybe one of us picking our kids up from school).
When my son started school, and would finish a bit earlier than the other kids she would pick him up until I finished work, this lasted for about 4 weeks, and I was extremely grateful and for this, I bought her a bouquet of flowers and had them delivered to her, and I took her out to lunch. So its not as if I dont bother with her I do, but, I feel its getting too much.

immortalprincess

meritaten wrote: »

havent you wondered why she doesnt have friends? I feel sorry for her, but, she sounds like the type to get fixated on you. Thats why she doesnt have friends - she insinuates herself into your life until you feel this way. then you will drop her and she will move on to someone else!
YOU cant change her hun, all you can do is try to keep her on the peripathy of your life - and if you can't then you have to drop her too! for your own sanity!

I have wondered why she doesnt have any friends, its usually only her mum that she talks about.

I have just seen a txt she sent me late last night to say that she has infact bought the stuff to make sandwiches and she just didnt want to tell me!!!!
I think this is actually a lie, because why would she say she hadnt in the first place!!!

ailuro2

I think you need to be clear in the way you communicate with people - hate to say it, but are you a bit scatterbrained or something?

It strikes me as odd that your MIL would go out and buy stuff for sandwiches without checking with you first, and also odd that you'd not tell her your friend has already said she would do them. Also the comment from your friend about turning up early to make sure everything is organised....


That makes me suspect other people don't think you're capable of doing stuff for yourself. I might be way off the mark here though!

Your friend does sound a bit weird though...pop into hers this morning to pick the stuff up, and give her the money for it - tell her you're sorry there was a mix up, that you didn't think to say to your MIL that it was already organised.

If she doesn't have the stuff to give you, then you'll know she was lying.;)

mummyroysof3

My mil would go out and buy stuff without telling me too lol but i would have discussed with her way in advance of the party what was happing to avoid that lol my childrens party is in 9 weeks time...ive already told mil she doing the sanwiches, auntie is making the cakes, im doing everything else, they are on food/drink setting up duty when we get there lol

this could work out for you if you want more space from her and she is in a stop with you lol

donquine

immortalprincess wrote: »

As friend had said she hadnt bought in anything yet, I didnt think it would be a problem, but, obviously for her it is.

OP, you say you're her only friend, which by default makes you her best friend. For a lot of people, a best friend can be more important than family. A best friend is someone you actively choose to keep in your life (unlike family, who you're stuck with) and who you can always rely on when life goes horribly wrong. I know last time I had some awful news, I called my best friend first for support. The crucial thing is, last time she had bad news, she called me. We both have lots of different friends and family in our lives, but we mean a lot to each other nonetheless.

You mean a lot to this woman, but she doesn't mean half as much to you. You like her and I think, mainly feel sorry for her, but if she suddenly wasn't around anymore, it wouldn't feel like the end of the world for you. As you've said, you do have best friends and none of them are her. You may not have ever admitted that out loud to her, nor perhaps would you ever do so, but she will know. She will know on some level and it probably makes her feel awful if she thinks too much about it.

Your MIL may have taken it upon herself to do a favour for you, but from this woman's point of view, perhaps you've chosen your MIL (your 'real' family) over her. And it's something you probably would do time and time again because, well, she doesn't mean a lot to you.

I don't think you're being unreasonble letting your MIL help you out, but I think your friendship with this woman is unhealthy and whilst you may not have caused the issues, you can probably help to resolve them by backing off and forcing her to either become a bit more self reliant or find some other friends.

Putting some distance between you and her may seem a bit harsh, but I'm not suggesting you cut her out of your life and I do think it's for her own good. Horrible position for you to be in, but I think it's necessary.

immortalprincess

ailuro2 wrote: »

I think you need to be clear in the way you communicate with people - hate to say it, but are you a bit scatterbrained or something?

It strikes me as odd that your MIL would go out and buy stuff for sandwiches without checking with you first, and also odd that you'd not tell her your friend has already said she would do them. Also the comment from your friend about turning up early to make sure everything is organised....


That makes me suspect other people don't think you're capable of doing stuff for yourself. I might be way off the mark here though!

Your friend does sound a bit weird though...pop into hers this morning to pick the stuff up, and give her the money for it - tell her you're sorry there was a mix up, that you didn't think to say to your MIL that it was already organised.

If she doesn't have the stuff to give you, then you'll know she was lying.;)

YOU ARE way off the mark here.

My friend just asked me at the weekend if she could do the sandwiches, I havent seen my MIL hence the reason why she didnt know. Didnt realise I HAD to tell my MIL everything.

The reason my MIL and my friend is asking to help is because my daughter has been ill and was in hospital over the weekend.

You know you really shouldnt be so assumptious about people!

red_devil

immortalprincess wrote: »

YOU ARE way off the mark here.

My friend just asked me at the weekend if she could do the sandwiches, I havent seen my MIL hence the reason why she didnt know. Didnt realise I HAD to tell my MIL everything.

The reason my MIL and my friend is asking to help is because my daughter has been ill and was in hospital over the weekend.

You know you really shouldnt be so assumptious about people!

dont text speak to you later if you dont mean it. She takes it that you will speak to her later.