does trust have to be earnt

onlyroz

I don't think trust should be automatic - your current boyfriend is right to be wary, considering your past. However, I don't think people should be continually punished for something that they did wrong a long time ago and have already paid the price for. The same principles apply to ex-criminals - everybody deserves a second chance if they have repented and have made a conscious effort to change their ways.

cazziebo

I don't think trust has to be earned - that's rather a cynical view of human relationships.

Trust should be given until it's abused. Trust is such a fundamentally generous emotion and is at the very foundation of successful relationships. Lose it, and it's gone for a very long time. So difficult to win back..

Unfortunately, OP, you have abused trust in the past so I can see why there's some reluctance to give it. You have to build that back up with your current partner.

To all those who say that it was the relationship that was wrong, not the person, I'd say we're not animals. We have moral choices. If the relationship is wrong then either sort it or leave it. Don't abuse someone's trust. It's the most precious thing you will be given.

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

we were having a gr8 day then for some reason we got talkin about cheating and he said 'if anyone is gonna cheat in this relationship then it will probly be u if you havent already' to say i was hurt by this comment is an understatement...iQUOTE]

There are some conversational subjects you should never entertain, that being one of them.

I think you have the wrong end of the stick. My guess is he feels so secure he made the quip to show his rock solid loyalty to you. His flippancy is further demonstration of his trust in you, poorly timed, but as I said there are a few taboo subjects that should never be explored.

RoxieW

I think it depends on the 'giver' of trust. If someone has been hurt in the past, not just by a partner but also by parents or friends, then no matter How much you might like trust to be automatic, it is unlikely to be.
For me, trust definitely needs to be earned. Or not so much earnt but built up over time. It has taken me years to trust my husband, something which he has found difficult as for him trust is automatic, unless broken of course.
To be honest, I can't blame your boyfriend. It was probably just a way of Broaching the subject with you and 'marking your card' so to speak.

RoxieW

To add, if you like this man then you will just have to lump it I'm afraid and deal with the odd dig/wobble in his part. Not nice I know but it's kind of a case of what goes around comes around.

paddy's_mum

Although the law doesn't differentiate - adultery is adultery is adultery - I believe that in practice there is a big difference between a one night stand that came about by stupidity and is immediately deeply regretted, and a full affair. An affair which goes on for perhaps months, involves thousands of lies and ends only when discovered is not in the same league as just one stupid, short-sighted, spur of the alcoholic moment which produces genuine remorse and sorrow.

I could perhaps find it within me to forgive the one slip but an affair with all its bedrock dishonesty would be quite another matter.

OP - I suspect that your chap is guilty of being too blunt and insensitive but given known facts, he'd have to be an angel not to feel a trifle uncertain. Now it's your job to convince him that you are the best thing since sliced bread!

pinkshoes

Trust has to be earned, but if you're not even willing to TRY and trust someone, then there is no point to the relationship.

My ex of 4.5 years ruined our relationship due to his inability to trust. He was a bit on the jealous side, but when he started asking odd questions like "does anyone else know the name of my teddy bear?" or "did I let anyone else have a piece of my favourite chocolate bar today?", I really should have twigged that he was hacking my emails, and reading my gmail dialogues. There was absolutely nothing to find, so I have no idea what he was looking for, but he was picking at anything to try and catch me out, yet looking for something that wasn't there. In the end, I realised I was living like a hermit, and rarely going out incase he suspected me of cheating.

I remember one occasion where I went to do the pub quiz with some mates, having told him where I was going, who I was doing the quiz with, and when I'd be back. I wasn't overly impressed when he turned up at the pub 30 minutes later, with the excuse that he fancied a pint before his sports match, when he was quite clearly checking up on me. Very embarrassing!

I now have a lovely man who loves me for being me, trusts me 100%, and knows I'd never cheat on him. I feel like a new person again.

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

he said 'if anyone is gonna cheat in this relationship then it will probly be u if you havent already' ?

This rings alarm bells with me! Sounds like your BF has insecurities. I'm not suggesting you run a mile, but if this was me, I'd certainly be giving him an ultimatum, as personally life is too short to have relationships ruined by someone's inability to trust.


ps - Just because someone cheated in one relationship has no correlation that they'll do it again to someone else.

SandC

I've always worked to the rule 'trust unless that trust is broken'. You can find out whatever you wish at the beginning of a relationship then make your choice on whether you want to continue based on that. I believe if you are happy to carry on then you have to forget what they might have done in the past and not throw it in their face at every opportunity. However, I understand where he is coming from, that based on that knowledge he will want to hold back a bit.

I feel he was a bit too abrupt in how he said it though.

The worst kind of mistrust is that based on what someone else has done to you - tarring a new partner with the same brush because of your own insecurities. This to me says you are not over the ex or ready to commit elsewhere.

As for once a cheat always a cheat - well not necessarily. In an ideal world if you met someone else you fancied while still being in a relationship you would question your loyalty and love to them. But in the real world you would probably think it was a crush - which is why people can lead to having affairs. However, I've seen it happen many a time where someone has cheated and it's formed a pattern after the first time - they've learnt how to lie and decieve and will do it again if the opportunity comes up. It's down to the individual circumstances I guess. But I've also known both women and men who seem incapable of being with one person without having flings on the side while purporting to love them deeply anyway.

It's a minefield eh?

FunnySaving

pinkshoes wrote: »

ps - Just because someone cheated in one relationship has no correlation that they'll do it again to someone else.

I don't want this to come out the wrong way as it's just a factual question, but is that actually true? I'm sure I read a study once that said that the likelihood of someone cheating again actually had more to do with whether they had been caught or not, but I can't find the article now - are you referring to a similar study?