does trust have to be earnt

podperson

It would be nice to say that if people have given us no reason to doubt them then we should just trust them - but we are human and have insecurities and often past experiences that sometimes make this hard. Your partner brought this up in a very insensitive way but it does sound like he's a bit insecure, which perhaps isn't helped by the fact that he knows you have cheated before.

escortg3

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

In his position I'd end the relationship immediately, as you have proved to be untrustworthy in the past. I could never trust someone who I knew to have cheated on anyone else.

:T:T Totally agree

balletshoes

In a relationship, I believe trust has to be earned.
In my opinion, its not surprising that your partner thinks if anyone is going to cheat, it could be you, because of your history and what you've already told him. It doesn't mean he wants to end things, or that he's paranoid that he can't trust you. He's just being sensible, yes?

Gavin83

escortg3 wrote: »

Why is it weird. You either love your partner or you dont. If you do you wouldnt cheat and if you dont then end the relationship.

Simple really. I wouldnt go out with someone without knowing alot about there past. Once bitten twice shy as they say.

The weird part I was referring to was more that you said it was lucky that your partner was cheated on.

I can fully appreciate why people wouldn't want to have a relationship with a cheater but personally it wouldn't bother me unless it had been multiple times. I think anyone deserves a second chance with a new partner.

To be honest if a new partner started to ask me loads of questions about
my past it would put me right off, it's not a job interview after all and I could do without someone so insecure.

ellay864

Just because somebody cheats in one relationship, doesn't mean they're going to cheat in another...obviously that relationship wasn't right for whatever reason but the new one may be 'the one'. If you knew your partner had been totally faithful previously, that doesn't mean they will continue be totally faithful to you. It's about people and relationships between the 2 individuals at the time - you can't judge by the past.
If you know somebody has cheated in the past then there's bound to be that feeling of 'could they do it again' so the trust has to be earnt in whatever relationship you're in. And someones feelings of distrust may not come because of what the new partner may have done but what the old one did. I found it very hard to trust my OH when we first got together because my ex had cheated on me; I just didnt want to get hurt that way again, and my OHs past wasn't the issue - it was what I'd dealt with before that was

Plans_all_plans

ellay864 wrote: »

Just because somebody cheats in one relationship, doesn't mean they're going to cheat in another...obviously that relationship wasn't right for whatever reason but the new one may be 'the one'.

It's called respect and integrity: if you know your relationship is not with 'the one', the honourable thing to do is END IT before jumping into bed with someone else.

If I knew that someone had shown such little integrity in the past, I just couldn't trust them!

bonjovibel_729

hi there thanks for all the replies i guess i can understand where he is coming from but it was just the offhand way he said it that got to me especially today of all days.....can i just make it clear that i am not a serial cheat i only ever cheated the once and as soon as i had i knew i had to tell my husband and end the relationship as other have said if i was totally in love with my husband i would not have cheated........my current bf knows all this and i have reassured him that i have no intention of cheating on him....i have learnt that if i dont want to be with someone the best thing to do is be honest and just tell them.....

bonjovibel_729

McKneff wrote: »

Trust does have to be earned and because you cheated on your husband and your boyfriend knows about it I can go half way to understanding how he feels. Mind, his feelings and actually saying it in this offhand way, well
i gotta say he is a bit insensitive

You must have thought, in your relationship with your husband that you would never, ever cheat on him but you did the deed anyway.
What's to stop the exact same thing happening again.

Sorry to be blunt and no offence is intended. I will be interested in your answer.

hi there no offence taken but i guess the same goes for everyone just because i did it once and admitted to it does that mean i have to be punished for the one mistake for the rest of my life? would he have rather i lied about how my marriage ended to make him feel more secure??doubt it lol

ellay864

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

It's called respect and integrity: if you know your relationship is not with 'the one', the honourable thing to do is END IT before jumping into bed with someone else.

If I knew that someone had shown such little integrity in the past, I just couldn't trust them!

Very true but you're saying that someone who has done it once can never be trusted again, can't change their ways in a different, better relationship? I bet all of us have made some mistakes whether in relationships, bringing up kids or work, but would you be happy if you were always judged on the back of one mistake regardless of how you might have changed and moved on? It's called being human!

thorsoak

With respect Bonjovibell, its only 8 months since you were asking for advice about the break-up of your marriage - and wasn't that your 2nd - or have I got it wrong (thought you had 3 children, 2 by 1 father, 1 by your now ex). So has the divorce gone through yet?

Maybe you are being rather hasty in getting into another relationship so soon - perhaps put it on the "back boiler" for the time being and cool it down a bit, and concentrate on your children? That way, your new partner will see that you can be steady.