does trust have to be earnt

bonjovibel_729

hiya just looking for a bit of advice i went to see my bf this morning and we were having a gr8 day then for some reason we got talkin about cheating and he said 'if anyone is gonna cheat in this relationship then it will probly be u if you havent already' to say i was hurt by this comment is an understatement...i promptly left but then went back and confronted him he said that trust has to be earnt and built up in a relaationship whereas i am of the opinion either he trusts me or he doesnt .....have given him no reason to doubt that i have been faithful to him(which is have)...although i split up with my husband last yr after i had a one night stand which i confessed to immediately but eventually led to the break up of my marriage...i can understand why he would be a little wary but i have told him numerous times it was the worst thing i have ever done and bitterly regret it ...... so my question is doeas trust have to be earnt or is it jsut there or it isnt????

McKneff

Trust does have to be earned and because you cheated on your husband and your boyfriend knows about it I can go half way to understanding how he feels. Mind, his feelings and actually saying it in this offhand way, well
i gotta say he is a bit insensitive

You must have thought, in your relationship with your husband that you would never, ever cheat on him but you did the deed anyway.
What's to stop the exact same thing happening again.

Sorry to be blunt and no offence is intended. I will be interested in your answer.

thorsoak

I agree with McKneff ....your track record by your own admission isn't great - so you really do have to convince your partner that you won't be going along the same road again.

nickyhutch

You cheated on your ex husband, not on this partner; new relationship - clean slate. Having said that, I can half-understand how he feels, but to say it to you in such a manner is out of line.

McKneff - there's nothing to stop it happening again, but there would be nothing to stop it happening with this partner even if it hadn't happened with the previous one.

I've had flings and affairs, but have been completely faithful to my now husband since we met. It's not about whether someone is predisposed to cheating, but about how that person values the relationship.

belfastgirl23

Hmm not the best thing to say to someone on valentines day.

Has he ever expressed this distrust in any other way? If it's an internal monologue where he's protecting himself against possible hurt and he accidentally said it aloud, I wouldn't be too concerned, we all feel a bit like this in a new relationship. But if he said it in terms of him needing to know where you are or who you're with I'd be worried.

escortg3

I personally would never trust someone who cheated on there partner. There is no excuse for it.

My husband cheated on me and when i met someone new i made sure i found out how there relationship had ended and why. If he had been one to cheat we would not be together, luckily it was his wife that cheated on him.

If you are going to cheat then you obviously dont love your partner so end the relationship.

Gavin83

escortg3 wrote: »

I personally would never trust someone who cheated on there partner. There is no excuse for it.

My husband cheated on me and when i met someone new i made sure i found out how there relationship had ended and why. If he had been one to cheat we would not be together, luckily it was his wife that cheated on him.

If you are going to cheat then you obviously dont love your partner so end the relationship.

What a weird post. How is it lucky your partners ex cheated on him? To be honest I'd imagine most cheats wouldn't tell someone they'd cheated anyway. I'd be reluctant to discuss past relationships with a new partner full stop to be honest.

I think trust should exist from the start and be removed if broken. How do you go about earning trust anyway?

Plans_all_plans

In his position I'd end the relationship immediately, as you have proved to be untrustworthy in the past. I could never trust someone who I knew to have cheated on anyone else.

LittleMissLongLegs

I don't trust people easily so for me it has to gradually build up

escortg3

Gavin83 wrote: »

What a weird post. How is it lucky your partners ex cheated on him? To be honest I'd imagine most cheats wouldn't tell someone they'd cheated anyway. I'd be reluctant to discuss past relationships with a new partner full stop to be honest.

I think trust should exist from the start and be removed if broken. How do you go about earning trust anyway?

Why is it weird. You either love your partner or you dont. If you do you wouldnt cheat and if you dont then end the relationship.

Simple really. I wouldnt go out with someone without knowing alot about there past. Once bitten twice shy as they say.

ailuro2

If it was a bloke you were asking about you'd get lots of replies saying once a cheat always a cheat.... because you've previous history of cheating your boyfriend is protectign himself by not being too quick to trust you. If he's had his fingers burned before by someone cheating on him it will take him even longer.

If you don't want to hang around and earn his trust then go now, he has made his opinions known, and has been honest, you can't ask for any more than that, can you?