Been a while since I posted something so personal...

meritaten

faithcecilia - does it feel like you have come home? It sounds lovely from what you say. Simplicitity is good. But, the community has to suit YOU and YOU have to fit in with the community. Am I right in thinking this is another closed order? (is that the right term? I think thats where you were before but only read your later posts so cant be sure). hun, if this place is right for you they will welcome you. Relax, Faithcecelia, your journey may not be easy but there IS a purpose to it! you learn every step of the way hun. This may or may not be the right place for you - but you WILL find it! and having had to work so hard for it - you will appreciate it and will be well placed to help others.
my thoughts are with you
merit

faithcecilia

meritaten wrote: »

faithcecilia - does it feel like you have come home? It sounds lovely from what you say. Simplicitity is good. But, the community has to suit YOU and YOU have to fit in with the community. Am I right in thinking this is another closed order? (is that the right term? I think thats where you were before but only read your later posts so cant be sure). hun, if this place is right for you they will welcome you. Relax, Faithcecelia, your journey may not be easy but there IS a purpose to it! you learn every step of the way hun. This may or may not be the right place for you - but you WILL find it! and having had to work so hard for it - you will appreciate it and will be well placed to help others.
my thoughts are with you
merit

I can't tell if it feels like home yet, I am visiting externally (outside the enclosure) so in lots of ways its like 'watching' a community of nuns rather than being one of them. Yes, Carmel is an enclosed order, and this is another community in that order.

I slept astonishingly well! Turned my light off soon after 10 and was aware of nothing til my alarm went odd at 6!!! I see that as a good sign, my nerves seem to be on the surface rather than a deep nervousness/fear. So lets see what today brings.

janeawej

Thinking of you

suejb2

Good luck in all you decide. Whatever you do or wherever you go ..Keep the Faith.

faithcecilia

Well, the prioress here has spoken to my former one, and I wasn't told to pack my bags and leave immediately!:D Actually, she told me there was very little to say about it as I had been so honest with her to begin with.

The difference in attitude is quite amazing. I was sent away previously because I needed counselling, that community won't take me back 'just in case' it turns out I need more in the future (overly simplified, but you get the jist). The prioress here says it may well be that in years to come I might need some more, but thats fine, they would just arrange it for me as counsellors are 2 a penny in London! It is as though here they see therapy as an aid to religious formation, whereas my former community saw it as mutually exclusive.

I am meeting the prioress again at 10am before I leave, to make plans for the next step. I have no idea what timescale she has in mind, but I am hopeful I could be here permanantly by the end of the year.

Plans_all_plans

Glad to hear all seems to be going well this time.

ETA: I've deleted an intrusive question from my post.

faithcecilia

Well, I'm home now. The meeting this morning went well, it was fairly relaxed actually. I was told to go away and ponder it for a month and then get back in touch if I still want to, which is pretty much the standard when someone has had initial contact.

We then got into general chit chat, about mutual friends/acquaintences in other communities etc. She then asked me if I had heard that my fellow novice from my old community has also left. I hadn't heard, and have been stunned by my feelings over it. She and I had a slightly difficult relationship, not for any 'bad' reasons, just that we were thrust together and expected to be/do things etc together because we were both novices, when in the outside world it is highly unlikely we would ever have been friends, just because we are so different.

Very soon after she entered, I picked up that she had an eating disorder (I have seen too many friends end up desperately ill to not know the signs) which got worse over the months. Part of my absolute shock when I was sent away was because I had a gut feeling that she was about to be sent away.

For all I have said, she was ever so sweet in those last hours with me, sitting up with me in the middle of the night while I broke my heart, gave me a few bits of clothing, helped me pack, etc.

So while I am not entirely suprised she has now left - more that she lasted so long - I hope with all my being that she is not going through the same hell that I have been through. I really can't get my head around the way it has made me feel.

We also talked about some of the elderly sisters, one of whom died whilst I was in the convent and who I had been very close to.

Yesterday the prioress had said to me that we would take it slowly because there was no hurry, and because I was still grieving. I accepted this but didn't think I was grieving, I thought I had made a concious decision to put the past behind me and move on. And I have in lots of ways, I know with my head that it is absolutely right for me to look at entering another community, and I was very comfortable at Notting Hill, plus they had good feelings about me, so it probably will happen. But I have realised that I am still grieving for my old community, for the sisters I won't see again, for what was and what could have been.

One thing I have been told repeatedly for years by all sorts of people that I need to be gentle with myself. So now I know that is what I need to do. I need to give myself the time I need to accept what has happened and is happening, I need to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, cry if I need to, be angry if I need to, and just see how it goes over time.

One thing that hasn't changed is my belief that I am called to Carmel. The prioress here is held in very high esteem throughout the UK Carmels, and one of the others who I met is on the national Carmelite council. These 2, plus the other one I met, believe that I am called to Carmel and that I could fit in well at Notting Hill. So I just have to trust God that it will all be okay.

meritaten

but you are grieving faithcecilia! you have been grieving since I have first seen your posts! this new prioress recognises that, and wants you to recognise it too and start dealing with it! you are grieving for your first convent, and for the friends you made in it, even if they werent 'friends', you were close to them for the time you were there. Think hun, they were family to you - you didnt have to love them or like them, you missed them when they werent there didnt you?

faithcecilia

meritaten wrote: »

but you are grieving faithcecilia! you have been grieving since I have first seen your posts! this new prioress recognises that, and wants you to recognise it too and start dealing with it! you are grieving for your first convent, and for the friends you made in it, even if they werent 'friends', you were close to them for the time you were there. Think hun, they were family to you - you didnt have to love them or like them, you missed them when they werent there didnt you?

I knew I had been, I just didn't realise I still was, I think I thought that choosing to look elsewhere, with the calm belief it was best all round, meant I had finished, but it has opened up a new layer.

thorsoak

Leave it to God - all will be well.