How to teach a grown man to show some respect

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Cheese is the staple diet of the skint. It's high in protein and fat, stays edible for weeks and keeps you feeling full for ages.

It's usually the only thing musicians just starting out can afford when on tour. Try offering an older musician a cheese sandwich and they will probably cringe and tell you about times when they spent weeks living on the stuff.

(It also gets bought a lot by alcoholics and gamblers for the same reason)

*max*

I guess I'm not going to be popular here, but I think your attitude is just as bad as his and your posts smack of disrespect too. Maybe you think you are acting perfectly nicely, but there is an underlying tone that makes me think you are not showing this man much respect either.

Like it or not, even if you are paying rent and effectively helping him, he IS doing you a favour by having you stay in HIS house. You said yourself that you wouldn't be able to get anywhere else for the money, or at least wouldn't be able to save for later if you did.

And he is your boyfriend's father, not a lodger or a flatmate.

In those circumstances, I'd say you should take it or lump it, to be honest. Either you stay and stop trying to change his behaviour to suit your lifestyle - a grown man, the father of your partner, whose house you are living in, let's remember - or you leave and find somewhere for yourselves. Wouldn't your peace of mind be worth downgrading your expectations maybe? A cheaper place? A longer commute?

You are building up resentment, as is he, and that's a breeding ground for trouble.

Gemmy_2

How about looking on freecycle for a fridge freezer. Its not the answer but it would help.

ViolaLass

If a house with a garden would cost you £470, then staying with your OH's dad is saving you £70 a month plus bills. I don't know what the bills are so I'll guess that it's £300 all in. That's £150 each for you and OH a month or about £17 each a week. You would each need to do overtime of at most three hours a week to make up the difference.

Is that really enough to make this aggro worth it? Don't forget, your food bills would go down if you're buying for him as well.

I know which I'd do; I lived with my mother after uni and later with my MIL and both occasions drove me up the wall.

FunnySaving

Do you get on well with him in general apart from the issues you've raised here? Is it possible that he is embarrassed at having to rely on his son to help him out financially, and his failure to acknowledge the things you do for him are a part of the denial he is obviously in about his finances? Perhaps he is resentful that you have refused to take out a joint mortgage with him and this is how it's showing itself?

If you get on with him well otherwise, then I would be tempted to just try to ignore his other behaviour - once you start to feel aggrieved about a situation, it's really easy to focus only on the negative, so you might well be paying more attention to, and remembering more of the incidents where he has behaved unreasonably. It sounds from your OP as though you do your shopping once a month (forgive me if I have misinterpreted!), so perhaps if you did it weekly you could head off some of the problems before they happen.

Because he is essentially doing you a favour by letting you stay (albeit you're helping him out as well) maybe he does feel under appreciated and resentful that you are saving to start your lives in your own house whereas he is having trouble managing his money and keeping a roof over his head.

Could you maybe try and kill two birds with one stone - tell him that as a gesture of appreciation for his generosity, you would like to do what you can to help him overhaul his finances (put tactfully of course, and with plentiful references to this site!)?

Blonde_Ambition

I know someone who has let their daughter and partner move in with them and she goes to bed early (usually to watch tv) to get out of their way. Just something to think about.

Sid_Wolf

Like I said, we are HAPPY to buy him food, hell i even buy his toiletries (from poundland, when i get mine and OH's), we're not gunna let the poor !!!!!! starve or stink. But a thanks every now and then, and for him to put some thought into what he's eating, before its all gone, would be nice.

He goes to bed at 8, because he gets up at around 4.30 - 5am for work, weekends he stays up late, but we dont eat together then because i work late saturdays and me and OH go to my mums for dinner sundays.

I dont dislike the guy, we get on well, its just he can be so rude and unthoughtful

notechno

Then move out. Oh, silly me, you won't do that, will you? Because you know which side your bread's buttered on. You are in HIS home. Think, really think, about that