How to teach a grown man to show some respect

Sid_Wolf

I live with my OH of 4 years, and his dad, we probably could move out now if we were happy to live somewhere small, but we want to own a house in future, and if we move out we'll be in rented accom forever lol. So we're stuck here.

His dad's ok, he's nice enough and lets us do what we want when we want, but he completely takes the !!!!. He is in debt management, so yea he is skint not long after he gets paid, but he gets £400 a month off us. It was £300, but he kept saying he couldnt do any shopping for himself, so we raised it to £400. We also give him around £30 in petrol, to cover taking us shopping once a month, and dropping me up my mums 3 times a month (mum lives in the same town, so not too far away)

Even with this extra £100, he still wont do a proper shop for himself, he will buy a little bit of milk, a few loaves of bread (he takes about 4 sandwiches to work every day), and peanut butter. Thats pretty much it, unless theres something else he wants.

When he takes us shopping he sits in the car and says 'can you shop for me this month I have no money', no please, no thankyou, nothing. And he eats everything, without thinking 'oh, this might be for them, 2 months in a row my OH bought some chargrilled chicken stuff that he wanted to try, went to cook it a few days later, and it was gone!

I told OH's dad that I had bought cheese to make a lasagne with, we actually bought 2 blocks, 1 for him, 1 for us, went to make lasagne last night and all these cheese was gone, both blocks, this is only a week after we'd bought it!!

We dont really mind covering for him, but just a little consideration and thanks would be nice.

Dont really know what I want from this thread, just a moan I guess :rotfl:

RAS

Hi

Time for a small fridge in your room, where you keep the stuff you really want.

Have you checked how much you are actually spending on shopping each month?

Plans_all_plans

Where do you live? Is £400 the 'going rate' for a similar house? If so then fair enough and have you spoken to his dad calmly to explain the situation?

If you are benefitting financially from living there as he is undercharging you for the area, while he is struggling, I feel you ought to suck up these inconveniences for long term gain.

kazwookie

Fridge and cupboard locks come to mind!

euronorris

How did he cope before you moved in?

Is 400 a fair contribution of the household bills (I have no idea, depends on so many things)? ie, do you know how much the electricity, gas and water bills are? And the council tax, etc? Have you reviewed these with him to see if you can get them cheaper/reduce consumption?

Have you discussed the problem of food with him, and let him know how you feel about what he is doing?

busiscoming2

Talk to him first and tell him how you are feeling, but I would be inclined to think about renting your own place.

freda

I'd suggest starting to keep your own accounts.

So add up the £400 rent, plus all the extras you spend. Work out what you spend on yourselves, and what you spend on him that you'd not have to spend otherwise.

Add together the £400 plus FIL extras and compare it to the rent on your own place, plus bills. If it comes out to more than you'd be paying in your own place, move!

If it comes out lower, the ball is in your court. Either stay put and live with it, or get a lockable cupboard and fridge, or move out. Or talk to him and discuss budgets.

For £30 petrol, surely it would be cheaper to do an online shop and get the bus to your mum's?

If your FIL is with a reputable debt management company (CCCS or payplan) then he should have a reasonable amount left over to pay bills and food for himself, he shouldn't be skint. He should, theoretically, also be owning up to the £4800 per year rent from you - is he?

Ultimately, what he does with your rent is his own matter, though and its none of your business. I brought the point up to reassure you that if you did move, he should have enough money to live on even though he is in a debt management programme.

In the end though, sounds like the main thing that is needed is a bit of a chat and communication between you all?

Sid_Wolf

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Where do you live? Is £400 the 'going rate' for a similar house? If so then fair enough and have you spoken to his dad calmly to explain the situation?

If you are benefitting financially from living there as he is undercharging you for the area, while he is struggling, I feel you ought to suck up these inconveniences for long term gain.

we could get a 3 bed house with garden (rented) for £470pcm, 1 bed place for around £375pcm. I would say we are benefitting in the long term, as we dont have all the other stuff to pay out for on top of rent, so we can put money aside to our own house

kazwookie wrote: »

Fridge and cupboard locks come to mind!

Only one fridge and its a bit unfair to lock him out when there is stuff in there he can have lol

euronorris wrote: »

How did he cope before you moved in?

Is 400 a fair contribution of the household bills (I have no idea, depends on so many things)? ie, do you know how much the electricity, gas and water bills are? And the council tax, etc? Have you reviewed these with him to see if you can get them cheaper/reduce consumption?

Have you discussed the problem of food with him, and let him know how you feel about what he is doing?

He didnt, he had a woman (he was her bit on the side of her hubby, so not a proper gf), who would do little bit of shopping for him. But it wouldnt have been long before the house was repossessed etc.

he has gone over these with us, and yea, we pay about half, its his own bills like his car, and his debts which mean he is in the sh*t. like I said we pay some money towards petrol when we need to go somewhere, which isnt often.

we did last time we were here, and it didnt change anything, we're gunna have a chat with him again tonight hopefully, if he's not in bed by the time i get home from work

pjcox2005

I've got to admit I think the flip side is whether you and your partner are grateful for him allowing you to live with him. I say that as:

- You are clearly paying less than rent/mortgage as you mention you don't want to move out until you have saved more so a benefit there.

- Were I to move me and my partner in with either parent, I'm fairly certain they would expect anybody going shopping to shop for everyone rather than individually, and likewise if we were eating to cook for everyone (unless you specifically requested otherwise). Could be reading too much into your posts but it doesn't sound like you do that at present.

For those suggesting locks etc, please tell me you aren't serious. Someone allows people to move in with them and then you want to restrict their access to cupboards etc in their own home?

In summary, I would suggest you have a conversation with him if these things are starting to irritate, but I also think you may want to consider if he is making sacrifices/getting iritated by you as well. The other option is to move out and start paying rent for your own property (a perfectly reasonable thing to do).

Sid_Wolf

freda wrote: »

I'd suggest starting to keep your own accounts.

So add up the £400 rent, plus all the extras you spend. Work out what you spend on yourselves, and what you spend on him that you'd not have to spend otherwise.

Add together the £400 plus FIL extras and compare it to the rent on your own place, plus bills. If it comes out to more than you'd be paying in your own place, move!

it wouldnt, moving out would be more expensive, as we need a house with a garden for the dogs (we have 2 huskies), and we also want to own a house in the future, if we moved out we would never be able to save, so this wouldnt be possible

If it comes out lower, the ball is in your court. Either stay put and live with it, or get a lockable cupboard and fridge, or move out. Or talk to him and discuss budgets.

For £30 petrol, surely it would be cheaper to do an online shop and get the bus to your mum's?

we live in a little village, and buses dont come through often, and i'd need 2 to get to my mums, so probably not, but we dont mind paying the £30

If your FIL is with a reputable debt management company (CCCS or payplan) then he should have a reasonable amount left over to pay bills and food for himself, he shouldn't be skint. He should, theoretically, also be owning up to the £4800 per year rent from you - is he?

no i dont think he is, he's with harrington brooks, they're charging him £100 a month, his morgage is £530, C/T £95 if he was on his own, puts £80 a month in his car to get to work. So with all bills on top he cant afford to live.

Ultimately, what he does with your rent is his own matter, though and its none of your business. I brought the point up to reassure you that if you did move, he should have enough money to live on even though he is in a debt management programme.

In the end though, sounds like the main thing that is needed is a bit of a chat and communication between you all?

yea we're gunna sit him down and have a chat, we dont mind covering his food or anything, just a little acknowledgement and thanks would be nice

Sid_Wolf

pjcox2005 wrote: »

I've got to admit I think the flip side is whether you and your partner are grateful for him allowing you to live with him. I say that as:

- You are clearly paying less than rent/mortgage as you mention you don't want to move out until you have saved more so a benefit there.

- Were I to move me and my partner in with either parent, I'm fairly certain they would expect anybody going shopping to shop for everyone rather than individually, and likewise if we were eating to cook for everyone (unless you specifically requested otherwise). Could be reading too much into your posts but it doesn't sound like you do that at present.

For those suggesting locks etc, please tell me you aren't serious. Someone allows people to move in with them and then you want to restrict their access to cupboards etc in their own home?

In summary, I would suggest you have a conversation with him if these things are starting to irritate, but I also think you may want to consider if he is making sacrifices/getting iritated by you as well. The other option is to move out and start paying rent for your own property (a perfectly reasonable thing to do).

im sure you would all put money in the pot for this shopping though? and not expect 1 person (unless a minor) to eat for free??

he is incredibly fussy and doesnt eat at the same time, so no we dont cook for him, in fact because i work evenings (dinnertime), we usually all have seperate meals, unless me and OH are both off work, like yesterday when i made us lasagne, which OH's dad wont eat