Buying Presents & Pretending They Are From Family

super41

I have a situation where my FIL does not really bother much with my children. He has remarried and is not local. He rarely sends anything for them. My DD is starting to realise that there is a marked difference between both grandads - i.e one sees her a lot, remembers her birthday etc and the other doesn't! It has never crosed my mind to provide presents on his behalf even though my children will eventually think its strange they don't get anything. However they need to learn that presents aren't everything and some people don't give them - tough! I know my OH is a bit hurt his father doesn't bother with his grandchildren very much, its not the fact that he doesn't send things, just the lack of interest. However you can't make people 'do the right thing'.

You have made your decision and I respect that, but I feel you may be backing yourself into a corner. Little white lies can grow and you could end up with more problems.

Katyag

loveandlight wrote:

I was wondering whether anybody else is in a similar situation?

My father in law, has only ever bought my son one christmas present. My DS is the only grandson he has and we only live 10-15 mins by car away from them but they just dont bother with him. DS will be 5 next month. Hes never had any birthday presents either.

Its getting harder now as he sees my parents lots and gets plenty presents from them so when he asks about his other granda its hard to find the words to explain. He has a cousin who gets plenty from him yet my ds gets nothing. I know as he gets older i need to figure out a way to explain it to him but i wont buy gifts for him from FIL. I dont want DS to grow up with a false impression of his 'grandfather' (i use that term loosely!).

sarahlouise210

When I split up with my DD dad the family cut her off completely - it was as if she did not exist. ..that is apart from his sister who does send a card an xmas and birthday and a cheque - I always give my daughter the money for the cheque but never cash the cheque - why do I do this?? I have no idea ...My DD did get a bit upset at first that the family did not buy her anything-but now just accepts it

karren

I have a similiar story, i am one of 4, in the days before my two I used to buy my sister's children lovely gifts for christmas and birthday's (she has 4), i never had a thank you etc, so was miffed at the lack of manners, then once my son came along she bought him things far too old and from a cheap shop for him to grow into, but I never said anything as we all have differnt idea's, then when my daughter came along she decided that she thought we had to stop this present nonsense!! and now we get a christmas card (from the Mason's) not names etc, I have until this year given to the children but now have given up as i presume she bins them, I have no family apart from an aunt that sends cards, so I am giving up this year, as whats the point. I have no family so i am going to pull myself together and embrace the unit I have!!

beachbeth

I personally wouldn't have done this either. If I was a child and found out my parents had done this I would be quite hurt. Even at the age of 10 I would have preferred to know that I had relatives who didn't want to send presents otherwise you are quite grateful to them for no reason. To me it is perpetuating a lie. However, it is your choice and your family so please don't take this as an attack, its just my personal opinion.

I have had brothers forget or not bother to send presents for birthday and I have always told it straight to my daughters (I then don't send their kids anything to give them the message). My children need to know that not everyone is bothered with birthdays/Christmas, but as long as their immediate family loves them to bits nothing else matters.

specsappeal

Hi, I feel for you as i am in the same situation and have been for about 7 years now. I am not close to my mother and as a result my sister doesn't talk to me. My mother is/was one of those people who only ever rang or came to see me when she wanted something from me.My sister was/is the same. As a result some birthdays, Xmas, Easters etc she would decide to get my kids something and at other times she wouldn't bother. It got to the stage where my kids were getting really upset thinking they had done something wrong and it was agony on their birthdays not knowing if they would get even a card through the post or not. In the end and after alot of heartache I decided that for mine and my childrens well being that I had to cut all ties with my mother and sister as the relationship was plain unhealthy. I sat my kids down and explained the situation as honestly as i could to them and although they were upset they understood why it was best. I have made it clear that they have my blessings if they want to ever phone or talk to my side of the family and they seem happy enough with this. But it is hard sometimes.

bargainbarmy

This is something new to me as my inlaws do buy presents for our kids and I wish they wouldn't cos I can't stand them!!! Aren't I awful. Wish it was the other way round. On the other hand my family are lovely and my kids get loads of attention from them.

funky-footprints

my eldest brother and his wife dont buy anything for my kids for thier birthdays, my daughter who was 4 a fortnight ago did ask why she didnt get a card this year from her cousin and I told him the truth that her aunty couldnt be bothered, thats the truth I dont see why i should lie. I however would never forget my nephew and he is coming 15.

I think brothers or men in general are pretty pap at remembering brithdays etc and that is one reason why they get married to pass the responsibilty of remembering thier mums birthdays etc.

Likewise when my kids see my parents , they normally get presented with little things through out the year, a magazine, a packet of buttons etc etc ... that is my mothers choice, dh's mother however never does, she never bought my kids anything when they were born. ..... when my son asked me why .... I told him that Gran is careful with her pennies, just because she doesnt give them anything doesnt mean she doesnt love them (I told him that through gritted teeth too as i loathe the woman !! my dh was very impressed !!)

skystar

I think the thing is all families are different. There is nowt as queer as folk

loveandlight, I think what you are doing is a lovely thought for your son however I would maybe try and phase it out sooner rather than later as children do pick up on things and I think it would be more upsetting finding out the presents weren't from his aunts/uncles rather then them just not bothering. Perhaps just explain that its been decided that mums and dads just buy for their own kids due to the cost of Christmas

As you say he has a mum and dad and I am sure he is a lucky wee boy.

I have a 10 year old stepson and this will be the 4th Christmas that he has never had as much as a card from his mother or any of her family. We have never tried to hide this from him and never would. However it does hurt as he has 2 sisters and a brother that WILL be getting presents from mum at Christmas and birthdays so it makes him wonder what is wrong with him. This is maybe why we do go a bit overboard and make a bit of a fuss at Christmas.

loveandlight

Thanks for the rest of your replies guys. As I said earlier, my original message was actually meant as a point of discussion on the subject generally not advice for me. I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear enough in the beginning.

The reason I'm not asking for advice is because I know in my heart that what I'm doing is right for my son and none of the replies I've read has made me think otherwise. I do respect all of your opinions though and respect that what you're doing is what you believe is right for your family.