How do I manage this situation?

Britwife

I would probably have a talk with my daughter and yes let her know that the door is always open but she still has to be respectful in your home, as well as her boyfriend. I would love to spoil my dd but money doesn't allow that so she has to be spoiled with non material items such as cooking together and fun times.

Why don't you invite your daughter home for a night of manicures and/or pedicures along with a movie night? She needs to know as an adult that you 2 can be friends as well.

sashadesade

What a horrendous way for them to behave (BF and daughter), I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. If I were you I know I'd be sorely tempted to give them all hell, but doing that will only further convince your daughter you're mean and unfair and drive her more towards the BFs mother. Your daughter's young and presumably not used to living the life of luxury so sadly it isn't to surprising she's been seduced by the idea of sitting on her backside while everything is handed to her on a silver platter. Hard as it is, I think the best thing to do is grit your teeth and continue being nice to all involved, and hope that when your daughter grows up a bit she'll realise what really is valuable.

Flyboy152

steerpike wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies - I feel a bit calmer now.

I don't know what we could have done differently tbh. I had my DD when I was in my early 30's (she was a longed for & much loved child) - bf's mum was 18 so there is an age thing there and certainly a huge disparity in their income and lifestyle and ours.

Its a bit of nightmare having DD & BF for meals as they are both very fussy and hard to please - the slightest thing not quite right with a meal (i.e. a tiny bit of gravy on the veg of a roast dinner) will make them push the plate away with a "I can't eat that" and they will ask what is in every dish - refusing anything that isn't up to snuff.

Just will have to be patient and be there for DD if she needs us

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I would suggest asking them what they would like as a special meal when they come round next time.

I'd tell them to beggar off and either like it or lump it. Ignorant gits.

paddy's_mum

I realise that tone is something that cannot be conveyed by the written word but I wonder if Gigglepig has properly read the opening post, as well as some of the responses so far.

Gigglepig wrote: »

I would continue as usual

Sadly, the term 'as usual' in this situation is visiting for a very few minutes on a very few occasions. I'd suggest that trying to maintain any kind of relationship in those circumstances is almost impossible.


being rude or petty in revenge

I haven't seen anyone advocating this - far from it. If OP is to be believed [and why wouldn't we?] any rudeness is from the daughter and her boyfriend.

The daughter may be "happy and healthy" but it surely isn't difficult to see that the Other Mother is smothering the girl in generosity, is right on track to produce one of life's hard-nosed takers and is enabling grasping, selfish behaviour.

Let me ask this - if the girl's own parents did a lousy job of raising this girl, why has the OM been so very quick to take her over?

(Sorry for her feral ways and complete lack of education and manners perhaps ...! )

Edit to add: I've managed to get my quote thingies mixed up - please refer to Gigglepig's post to see what she said and my responses. Apologies, Gigglepig - I wasn't trying to put words into your mouth. {goes off muttering to self 'must get the hang of this newfangled technology ...!'}

Flyboy152

retireby50 wrote: »

Going to get very interesting if (when?) OP's DD and BF fall out........does the rich mum side with DS or purchased daughter???

It's going to get messy, OP I suggest you stand back and wait until your support is needed because it will be at some point....not easy to do though!

This was my first thought. They met when they were children and are now young adults....rarely lasts. Seeing as he is a bit of an !!!!, it can't last much longer. I wonder what will happen if she makes him dinner and she slips with the gravy.

Gigglepig

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I realise that tone is something that cannot be conveyed by the written word but I wonder if Gigglepig has properly read the opening post, as well as some of the responses so far.



The daughter may be "happy and healthy" but it surely isn't difficult to see that the Other Mother is smothering the girl in generosity, is right on track to produce one of life's hard-nosed takers and is enabling grasping, selfish behaviour.

Let me ask this - if the girl's own parents did a lousy job of raising this girl, why has the OM been so very quick to take her over?

(Sorry for her feral ways and complete lack of education and manners perhaps ...! )

Edit to add: I've managed to get my quote thingies mixed up - please refer to Gigglepig's post to see what she said and my responses. Apologies, Gigglepig - I wasn't trying to put words into your mouth. {goes off muttering to self 'must get the hang of this newfangled technology ...!'}

Yes I read them :-) In your post I think you mentioned that privileges had to be earned however my view is that not inviting a daughter and not giving her birthday gifts etc like you suggested would be a bit rude and petty, and most unlikely would only alienate her further. But I take the view that family members do not need to "earn" invites and birthday presents, so we just have a different approach there.

I still think that it would be very hard to "bribe" a girl away from her family unless there were deeper issues. Doesn't mean that the poster has done anything "wrong" - just means that thinking carefully about the relationship may open the door to find other solutions.

Judging the BF's family is hardly conducive to a good relationship with the daughter, who enjoys their company. If the daughter sees the negative attitude to her BF's family that will push her away.


I also think it may be easier to have a close relationship with the daughter if the mum appreciates the positive aspects of her, and also looks at the positive side to this (the situation is not perfect, but the girl has not done anything horrendous...)
At the end of the day, as long as she is an adult, it is the daughter's choice who to hang with. Hard as it may be to experience this situation, it is not that dramatic in the grand scheme of things, and there are far worse things that could have happened to this girl. It is not all negative, if the daughter has an "extra" family who looks after her and wishes her well, then that may be good, even if they have different values from her mother.

Just because they are wealthy and able to give expensive presents does not mean they are grasping or nasty or trying to buy people, just like just because someone is poor does not mean they are envious or feel threatened by rich people... I don't think we should jump to conclusions.

pupsicola

steerpike wrote: »

Its a bit of nightmare having DD & BF for meals as they are both very fussy and hard to please - the slightest thing not quite right with a meal (i.e. a tiny bit of gravy on the veg of a roast dinner) will make them push the plate away with a "I can't eat that" and they will ask what is in every dish - refusing anything that isn't up to snuff.

Good grief I wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour from my 5 year old. What is the matter with them? All the money in the world thrown at them and yet they are incapable of good manners and any understanding of social graces. How sad.

pupsicola

Can I ask what your daughter was like before she got involved with this boy and his family? Has she always been unaproachable and headstrong.

OP you sound like a sensible, grounded mum who is concerned for her daughter and her future welfare. All you seem to have been trying to do is encourage her with her education and talk to her about taking on the normal responsibilitys of going to college or getting a job, helping round the house etc. So she seems to have been bought up well and had instilled in her all the normal things that help young people develop into confidant, happy adults.

Doesn't sound like she has had the type of background where she would think it normal to behave so selfishly, rudely and arrogantly as she currently is. Keep in mind that the influences she is being led and swayed by currently are doing her no favours. Its not clever to act the way she is and when she mixes outside her bf families circle she will come up against people who dislike her. It might make her think.

Gigglepig

My first impression about the mealtime drama is possible food allergy or intolerance - I can no longer tolerate certain ingredients and hate the embarassment of asking if it is in a dish, as I was raised to eat everything offered. Hopefully they are on some sort of fad diet, and not just rude :-)

Here is an idea for meals: What about asking DD next time if you can all cook a meal together, say you notice that she is taking more of an interest in what is in the dishes at the moment, perhaps she can show you some fun new dishes that she enjoys?

barbiedoll

Moaning because a bit of gravy spilt onto the vegetables doesn't sound like food intolerance, it sounds like either they're vegetarians who won't want meat gravy on their dinner (fair enough) or else they're just being fussy and awkward.

(If they've suddenly decided to become vegetarian then it is only good manners to warn OP, well before they turn up for dinner!)