How do I manage this situation?

steerpike

Not sure what to do about my dilemma - its a long story to where I am today but to try to be as concise as I can.

When my DD1 in her teens, she started "going out" with a local lad of the same age - his family are very well off - father has his own business, mum (who has never worked) is a lady who lunches, she has a cleaner , housekeeper & gardener so she doesn't 'do' housework . . . and from the very start she took a liking to DD1 and bought her clothes, makeup, shoes, jewellery on the frequent shopping trips that she took her on and took her for hairdo, mani/pedicres and spa days together . . . she openly said to us that she'd always wanted a daughter

We were very uneasy about DD accepting all the gifts etc as we are not in a position to reciprocate. Time went on ..and by his late teens, the boyfriend & his brother were rarely at school - he didn't like it and his Mum was lonely without them...and as they will inherit a thriving business - they didn't see the point of bothering. My daughter started skipping school to be with him - this carried on into college and she was taken off her course after a few months for non-attendance.

Every spare moment was spent with either BF or his Mum - DD wouldn't go to college / help in house / consider work - every discussion about getting a job ended up with her flouncing out the house to her BF's place.

She chose to move out and moved in at BF's house . . . . hs mum was delighted to have her - and DD spends her days shopping, lunching out, etc with his Mum - having everything done and bought for her and getting a very generous allowance for 'pocket money'

We now see her on birthdays and Christmas - usually a ten minute visit to collect her presents and then she's off . . . . whatever we buy for her is quickly replaced by a bigger, better & more expensive version by his mum.

I feel she has created an estrangement between DD and us - but we have always tried to keep the door open, included and invited them to family events etc. I cannot describe the shock when I found out through a mutual friend that the other Mum talks about us as if we are the scum of the earth, nasty mean parents to DD & hateful people.

At the moment, I feel like stomping down there and having it out with her but I suspect that this would be twisted to deepen the rift between us and DD . . . but I want her to know that I know that she is spreading these malicious lies about us.

What would you do???

pupsicola

My first gut reaction to all this is to hope the bf parents business doesn't go tits up. If it does the bf and your daughter are going to struggle in the real world seeing as they have both thrown away their educations.

The bf mum seems to live in cloud cuckoo land. How nice to be a lady of leisure. But she is behaving very irresponsibly with her son and your daughter. Did the parents inherit this business or did they build it up from scratch? I suspect it was inherited because they dont seem to understand that to be really successfull in life you have to work your butt off. Not spend your days swanning around and living it up. Seems incredible to me that this basic stuff is not being passed on to the next generation.

Stay the bigger person and do not go over there and speak your mind. You know you have always done your best by your daughter. You dont need to justify yourselves to anyone, especially the vindictive types she chooses to be around for the moment. Its abhorent that she lets people view you this way.

She is behaving in a very shallow way. Personally I would hate to be such a "kept woman". Where is her self respect and a wish to do and achieve things by herself. You must despair.

choille

Sympathies on this.

Mutual friend is stirring it - sorry but that is what this is.

You are doing the right thing by keeping the door open etc & I think you should continue to be the bigger person - the grown up in this & find a nicer friend.

All the best.

ailuro2

Make it clear to your DD that the door is always open to her, and try not to listen to tittle tattle from others, it will only upset you.;)

Caroline_a

The phrase 'blood is thicker than water' is one that gets proved again and again, and your daughter is still young and at the age where 'everybody's mum and dad' are always better than the one they have. Don't worry. You have input your ideals and morals into your daughter and they won't disappear overnight.

There will be things that will jar with her, but at the moment she won't say anything, but as we all know, irritations tend to get bigger rather than smaller. As someone pointed out, what if the business goes bust - or alternatively, if the son takes over and makes a mess of it.... what then? Who will pay for the staff? or will this woman (heaven forbid!) actually have to get her hands dirty and do a bit of housework, or (shock horror!) get a job.

Have patience, keep in touch on her terms for the time being, and I'm sure it will be all ok.

Counting_Pennies_2

The grass is always greener when you are younger. She has been tempted by the trappings that maybe you haven't been able to give her.

The other lady doesn't sound like she has a huge amount of respect for yourselves, which is a shame. It sounds to me she has bought a daughter.

Sadly, she is now an adult and can choose her path, even though it sounds like she has been coerced.

All I can say is I would continue to invite her to family gatherings, perhaps even invite this other family too. Perhaps plan for a nice picnic when the weather is improving so it is on neutral territory.

Also think deep if there is any reason for her to resent things at home.

My parents probably think I have moved on from them, find my OH's family more interesting, more money, where in reality they have been more caring towards me, treated me like an adult. My parents had mental health problems and I had a pretty dreadful childhood, from the age of 12 I had to care for my family, so for me, my inlaws have a much happier life, and I prefer to spend more time with them.

gravitytolls

You're doing exactly the right thing, without a doubt if you march round there and give them whatfor, you'll not see your daughter for a long time, not until she's grown up enough to realise how she's been manipulated.

Continue to support her, continue to buy her gifts, ask her and BF to dinner. Try to be happy for her, as if she were doing something you would be happy about, then maybe she'll listen to you about returning to college, rather than if she feels you're being critical of her new lifestyle.

Sounds to me like the family are well aware that they can use their financial good fortune to manipulate others, and doubtless feel a great sense of power knowing that they are able to deprive her own family of their daughter. When it all blows up in their faces, you can feel smug whilst hugging your daughter and telling her how much you love her.

When you feel at your angriest or most upset, remind yourself that everything we do is a lesson in life, and that your daughter will learn some very valuable lessons, and will probably spend years as an adult regretting putting you through such pain.

Keep your chin up, it will fizzle out, it really will, it's just hell on you in the meantime.

Must just add, dreadful people, dreadul, no one with any compassion for others would willingly deprive them of their child.

pinkshoes

Get her something for her birthday or xmas that money can't buy, like a photo album with baby photos of her etc... and family christmas photos from when she was young.

steerpike

Thank you everyone for your replies - I feel a bit calmer now.

I don't know what we could have done differently tbh. I had my DD when I was in my early 30's (she was a longed for & much loved child) - bf's mum was 18 so there is an age thing there and certainly a huge disparity in their income and lifestyle and ours.

Its a bit of nightmare having DD & BF for meals as they are both very fussy and hard to please - the slightest thing not quite right with a meal (i.e. a tiny bit of gravy on the veg of a roast dinner) will make them push the plate away with a "I can't eat that" and they will ask what is in every dish - refusing anything that isn't up to snuff.

Just will have to be patient and be there for DD if she needs us

Counting_Pennies_2

steerpike wrote: »

Its a bit of nightmare having DD & BF for meals as they are both very fussy and hard to please - the slightest thing not quite right with a meal (i.e. a tiny bit of gravy on the veg of a roast dinner) will make them push the plate away with a "I can't eat that" and they will ask what is in every dish - refusing anything that isn't up to snuff.

Just will have to be patient and be there for DD if she needs us

I would suggest asking them what they would like as a special meal when they come round next time.

choille

I think I would find it very hard not to ask them why they think you should walk on eggshells - their manners are not good.
I personally think I couldn't keep stum & would say something that I would probably regret. It all sounds so annoying. This pushing a plate away coz there is gravy on a spud is pretty weird behaviour - I wouldn't condone that in anyone at my table. It is as if they are trying to goad you - which is not healthy for anyone & possibly time for you & hubby & them to sit around a table & ask what their problem is.
Fair enough if one has a serious allergy then they would want to know a list of ingrediants but really would be better off telling you what their allergy is - it sounds like BF is getting DD to imitate his ill table manners. I could not break bread with such people. It's so rude.