How do I manage this situation?

Caroline_a

steerpike wrote: »

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Its a bit of nightmare having DD & BF for meals as they are both very fussy and hard to please - the slightest thing not quite right with a meal (i.e. a tiny bit of gravy on the veg of a roast dinner) will make them push the plate away with a "I can't eat that" and they will ask what is in every dish - refusing anything that isn't up to snuff.

I'm sure you didn't bring her up to be so rude, he has obviously been dragged up. I wonder if he acts the same going out to dinner with his parents...

However, his bad manners are not for you to cure, so maybe put all food in serving dishes and allow them to help themselves. Then if they don't want it it doesnt go on their plates, and it isnt wasted!

barbiedoll

They may have more money than you but they are clearly not of a better class. What dreadful manners their son has, which sadly have been passed onto your daughter. Personally, I would lose patience with them if they were picking over a meal that I had prepared. You should just tell them to eat it or leave it, if they don't like it, take it away and let them go hungry. They sound worse than a pair of toddlers! :mad:

Because the BF's mum is so young, she is using your daughter as a friend and buying her affections. Young (and not so young) girls are often easily impressed by money and possessions, we all tend to be shallow at that age I guess. I wonder what will happen if your daughter has a baby by this man? Will the glamorous granny be so keen to help out with a screechy, messy baby? Or will your daughter be running back to you for a helping hand? There's no-one you can trust quite like your own mum when you have a new baby.

Can you not arrange to see your daughter alone for a coffee and a chat one day? See her on neutral territory, go out somewhere and ask her why you don't see her as often as you would like. Maybe tell her that it upsets you that you can't spoil her in the material way that BF's family can but that you love her unconditionally and that you will always be there for her. You could also broach the subject of her education, even if she currently has no need to work, what would happen if they split up? (Don't mention that though!) Ask her why she doesn't take a part-time course in something that interests her, shopping and having her nails done can't be that fulfilling, surely?

I know it seems like you are on the losing side but you may find that she comes round in the end. None of us really appreciate our parents when we are young, it's easy to be embarassed by them or to "forget" about them when we are having good times elsewhere. The fact that you still see her, (despite her horrid table manners!), is a good sign. Keep the lines of communication open and don't worry about what BF's mother is saying about you, that says a lot more about her than it does about you.

heretolearn_2

What a sad situation and one that must be very hurtful for you right now. Unfortunately teenagers generally do go through a very selfish phase and one where they just don't appreciate their parents, and your daughter is doing it with style!

You are right to swallow this at the moment, keep communciations open with your DD, and bide your time. I have no doubt that she'll be back tail between her legs.

DUKE

What vile people! :mad: Sorry but I'd go round & punch their lights out! Probably not the right thing to do but I really couldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour in my home. I do hope that things work out for you as this is a terrible situation for anyone to have to be in.

retireby50

Going to get very interesting if (when?) OP's DD and BF fall out........does the rich mum side with DS or purchased daughter???

It's going to get messy, OP I suggest you stand back and wait until your support is needed because it will be at some point....not easy to do though!

paddy's_mum

barbiedoll wrote: »

don't worry about what BF's mother is saying about you, that says a lot more about her than it does about you.

I agree wholeheartedly with this comment.

The Other Mother must be very insecure if she needs to 'buy' friends in this manner - it's just a pity that your daughter is still a bit too young and a little too gimmegimme (sorry!) to see the highly unpleasant side of the transaction.

Personally, I'd stop making any effort whatsoever with your little madam - I wouldn't be issuing invites, nor cooking special meals and I sure as heck wouldn't be giving gifts! It is my view that you earn privileges and at the moment, she is doing nothing to inspire your generosity. I cannot for one moment accept that she doesn't know what she is doing and the effect it must have on you and the larger family.

You may just have to sit back and wait for a few years until life kicks her in the teeth and shows her your real value.

I'm horrified enough almost to wish the same 'kidnap' situation on the Other Mother - I can forsee massive MiL problems somewhere down the line and pity the poor girl that marries this delightful example of a Mummy's Beloved Boy!

Gigglepig

I feel sorry for you but will try to point out some other perspectives, in case that helps.

I would ask them what they would like next time they are coming - it is not necessarily poor manners if they don't eat specific stuff (could be food intolerances, allergies etc which can happen to anyone, even people who would not normally be fussy eaters, and doesn't mean they want to insult you.)

If the difference in lifestyle/income is a problem, make sure that you aren't the one who makes it into a problem. Let go of any negative feelings about this.

Presents and family time spent together is not a competition. Most people will appreciate personal presents, gestures, things and trips that remind them of good times. Perhaps invite your daughter to do some things just the two of you, something you both used to enjoy doing together when she was younger?

Regarding BF's mums comments, try to see things from her perspective. If your own daughter doesn't want to see you more than twice a year, then I can see why BF's mum is critical and perhaps thinks you haven't been that nice to her or brought her up well? If you met a young person who did not want to hang out with their family, would that not make you think that they might their reasons?

I think if you continue being loving and supportive of your daughter no matter what, your contact with her will improve with time. If things fall apart with the BF and his family eventually, don't push her away by being judgmental. We all make mistakes when we are young. She can continue her education later, and may learn some valuable life lessons in the meanwhile - if she is involved in the business, that may also teach her something. As long as tings are going well and she is happy, be happy for her

Harder said than done, I know.... but things may improve with time.

Heart_Shaped_Diamond

How old is your daughter?

Gigglepig

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I agree wholeheartedly with this comment.

The Other Mother must be very insecure if she needs to 'buy' friends in this manner - it's just a pity that your daughter is still a bit too young and a little too gimmegimme (sorry!) to see the highly unpleasant side of the transaction.

Personally, I'd stop making any effort whatsoever with your little madam - I wouldn't be issuing invites, nor cooking special meals and I sure as heck wouldn't be giving gifts! It is my view that you earn privileges and at the moment, she is doing nothing to inspire your generosity. I cannot for one moment accept that she doesn't know what she is doing and the effect it must have on you and the larger family.

You may just have to sit back and wait for a few years until life kicks her in the teeth and shows her your real value.

I'm horrified enough almost to wish the same 'kidnap' situation on the Other Mother - I can forsee massive MiL problems somewhere down the line and pity the poor girl that marries this delightful example of a Mummy's Beloved Boy!

I'm afraid I don't agree with this at all. I would continue as usual, treating her just as you would her siblings. She's a daughter, she should be loved no matter what, and doesn't need to "earn" her birthday cards.

Personally, I try to do the right thing also for my own sake... and being rude or petty in revenge does not make me happier. :A

Why "punish" her for having taken a different way in life? Also, it could also be a lot worse than this - she has not abused anyone or stolen, is not on drugs, if she is happy and healthy then the mum already has a lot to be grateful for.

Not saying that the poster does or anything, but here is an example: who wants to visit someone who only moans about them not visiting often enough, the few times they are there?

Gigglepig

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

All I can say is I would continue to invite her to family gatherings, perhaps even invite this other family too. Perhaps plan for a nice picnic when the weather is improving so it is on neutral territory.

Also think deep if there is any reason for her to resent things at home.

My parents probably think I have moved on from them, find my OH's family more interesting, more money, where in reality they have been more caring towards me, treated me like an adult. My parents had mental health problems and I had a pretty dreadful childhood, from the age of 12 I had to care for my family, so for me, my inlaws have a much happier life, and I prefer to spend more time with them.

Ditto this.

I am sorry to say this, and I don't want to upset you, but in all honesty I would look carefully at my own relationship with the family member in question before blaming someone else for taking them away.

If the mother daughter relationship is good I don't see how the in-laws could tear it down. Have you talked with your daughter about how she sees and feels about you and your relationship, and with the other family members?

Sending a hug and hoping things work out for the better.