Going from 2 to 3 children?

donnaessex

Hi experts.

My husband and I have 2 lovely children aged 2 and 3 - a boy and a girl.

When we got married we both knew children would be in our future if we were lucky and he always wanted 2, I always wanted 4 and we struck a happy medium by agreeing on 3! Now that we have 2 he is saying that he wants to stick there... My view is that you would never regret having a child, but you might regret not having one. I would certainly prefer to have smaller age gaps as I dont want the children to be starting school and then doing the newborn thing again - I'd rather just get it all out the way in one hit!

I understand his concerns - mostly materialistic in my eyes - he wants to be able to afford holidays abroad, cost of a baby, let the children have their own bedroom, allow them to have various out of school activities etc etc but I dont think I'm done.

Holidays - we go camping or fly to my mums holiday home in Cyprus so its just one extra seat on a flight (flights are very cheap if you buy at the right time).

Cost of a baby - very little. We have all the "kit", we have bags of clothes up in the loft for both boys and girls and the toys, oh the toys! we have by the roomful!

Bedrooms - as we have one of each sex already, whatever we have next the two same sex children could share the (quite large) bedroom and the other one can have the single room.

Out of school activities - my mum raised us as a single parent (5 girls) and we never wanted for anything. OK things were tight but we were brought up to respect that and were grateful for what we got - I would like to instil that into my children anyway so its not an argument for me.

My question really boils down to this - what concerns did you have about going for 3 children, and did you put them to one side and get on with it (so were the concerns realised), or were the reasons valid enough that you decided to stop at 2?

danlojo

Hi

We have 3 children. Had boy and girl and then another girl and they are 6, 10, 13

Now when I look at it, we probably should have stopped at 2 as we had one of each (that's what most people say to us)

We were different than you as we had got rid of all the baby stuff and had to start again.

Things like family holidays, 2 adults, 2 kids is annoying and that one extra means extra money. A lot of things seem to be 2 adults, 2 kids too.

It does increase your outgoings but you can save on them with hand me down clothes etc.

It's your call and I wouldn't be without our youngest but if I had my time again I think I would have stopped at 2.

Is it not having a baby around thinking you're having?

As I was older it was like a part of my life was finished (ie,, having babies) and I think that was the reason I wanted another.

Good luck and it's up to you!

donnaessex

danlojo wrote: »

Hi

We have 3 children. Had boy and girl and then another girl and they are 6, 10, 13

Now when I look at it, we probably should have stopped at 2 as we had one of each (that's what most people say to us)

We were different than you as we had got rid of all the baby stuff and had to start again.

Things like family holidays, 2 adults, 2 kids is annoying and that one extra means extra money. A lot of things seem to be 2 adults, 2 kids too.

It does increase your outgoings but you can save on them with hand me down clothes etc.

It's your call and I wouldn't be without our youngest but if I had my time again I think I would have stopped at 2.

Is it not having a baby around thinking you're having?

As I was older it was like a part of my life was finished (ie,, having babies) and I think that was the reason I wanted another.

Good luck and it's up to you!

Thanks for your opinions, its the reason I posted - to get an objective viewpoint.

My reasons for wanting more are mainly down to me coming from a big family I think - I am the oldest of 5 and then my dad remarried and had another 4 and we are all very close.

I must admit I do miss the newborn phase, and the pregnancies - I am good at being pregnant(!) - I enjoy it, I feel healthier than normal, and the feeling of a baby kick is just the best thing in the world.

This isnt a deal breaker - if my husband really doesnt want one, then we wont have one. Simple. But I do need to get my views across now, as I have never wanted large age gaps and if he was to change his mind in 3-4 years, then I would be the one saying no.

victor2

Thinking of it from a purely financial perspective....
While you believe you can afford it now, how will it be in 10 years, when they are approaching their teens and the costs really start rolling in?
Having 2 kids is nice, but the world isn't 3 kid family friendly. We stopped at two, OH would have had more, but it was one of the few arguments I was able to win!
Your existing two haven't even started school yet, there will be times when they are at school, but different ones. How would you cope with that when there are three of them?

Enjoy spoiling the two you've got!

wolfehouse

god gave you two hands...there's a hint there somewhere.
i have 3 grown children and noone could have told me to stop at 2 as i desparately wanted another child.
moneywise you are their parent for life and the most expensive years aren't when they are little.
my first 2 were closer in age and the lead on from one to two was easy
the third was like starting a whole new family. also, somehow there were behaviour issues
i wasn't expecting and probably partly because we excused a lot of things from 'the baby'.
everyone has to decide for themselves in the end, and life is full of surprises.

Threebabes

Ive got 3, now 15, nearly 11 and 7. In hindsight we should've just had 2. No. 3 was a happy accident. Saying that I couldn't imagine our lives without her and think our home is all the more happier for having her. Downside is very little cater for a family of 5. You may need to change your car to fit in an extra car seat. It is more expensive having a 3rd child, just because my dd is no. 3 doesn't mean I want her to do without. When you get them to school you have to account for school trips, school dinners, outings and then out of school activities have to be paid for, school uniforms. You have less time individually with each of them, not such an issue for us now our oldest is 15. Also babysitters, since having our third we can probably count on two fingers the amount of times we have had all 3 minded. I think it feels more of a imposition asking to have 3 looked after, again not an issue for us with DS being 15. We had also gotten rid of all our baby gear and had to start again. For me the pros outweigh the cons with my 3. Good luck with your decision. x

Alikay

We had 3 children and it was lovely! They're all grown up now and only the youngest is still at home. The positives are all about the children themselves really....each of them have brought so much joy into our lives, and I couldn't contemplate how my life would be without any one of them.

However there are negatives: Obviously cost - not a huge problem as I've always been good with money and DH worked his butt off and studied hard in the evenings and weekends to gain the higher education qualification which brought us a good income. If we needed extra, I was happy to do the odd stint of evening work in a callcentre to keep the wolf from the door.

Practical support was the other negative: Once we had 3, they outnumbered family and friends who may otherwise have helped out with a bit of childcare here and there. We literally went out once a year together until the kids were teenagers. (though we had some fab family outings with the kids). Plus we never got invited to visit family for meals or Christmas - we always had to be the hosts as we were too much of a mob for people to cater for!

Can't think of any other negatives which aren't derivatives of money and practical support, but those two are real biggies:D

mirrorimage0

we decided to stop at two, our eldest is 11 and youngest is 8, after around 4 yrs i started to get broody again, and now eventually we have just became pregnant again, yes we understand all the extra cost involved but like you said at the end of the day we will never regret having another but may regret it if we dont.x good luck in whatever you decide

donnaessex

Thanks everyone so far. Food for thought!

Congratulations Mirrorimage0 - good luck with the pregnancy.

JC9297

donnaessex wrote: »

Thanks for your opinions, its the reason I posted - to get an objective viewpoint.

My reasons for wanting more are mainly down to me coming from a big family I think - I am the oldest of 5 and then my dad remarried and had another 4 and we are all very close.

QUOTE]

My first thought was the reason you originally wanted 4 was because you came from a large family so that is normal for you. Was your husband one of 2 or 3 by any chance?

Leaving aside the practical and financial things, I think time for each child becomes an issue the more you have, particularly if they are close in age. When they are at school fitting in listening to them read, practising spellings, reading to them etc. takes up a lot of time.

donnaessex

JC9297 wrote: »

My first thought was the reason you originally wanted 4 was because you came from a large family so that is normal for you. Was your husband one of 2 or 3 by any chance?

Leaving aside the practical and financial things, I think time for each child becomes an issue the more you have, particularly if they are close in age. When they are at school fitting in listening to them read, practising spellings, reading to them etc. takes up a lot of time.

Hi JC9297. Yes, my husband is the middle child of 3 - first two close in age, and then 8 years difference between him and his younger brother.

Re the school thing - my argument would be that doing their homework all together would be easier. I may have an idealistic image of the Waltons all around the dining table being angels though! :rotfl: