Inheritance: Trying to avoid future problems

kelloggs36

rachbc wrote: »

so knowing that they didn't want their home selling did they prepare for the worst by saving to pay for a care home instead?

What with? They were able to pay for the house over the period of the mortgage, but they weren't flush by any means - my dad sadly died before he got to even retire!

kelloggs36

onlyroz wrote: »

I think that if you have nothing then the state should provide you with a basic level of care in your old age. However, if you have a large and valuable asset (e.g. a house) then it is extremely selfish to expect the state to foot the bill if you need care in your old age.

I think it rather selfish to have to work your backside off and scrimp and save and go without during your lifetime so that your children can benefit only to have to give it to those who really couldn't be bothered, personally.

rozmister

I think it's pointless getting hung up on your perceived inheritance.

My parents seperated before my father died (when I was 12) but she had his inheritance from my grandma which my gran left to her because my dad was a 'liability'. My gran wanted my mum to make sure that money went on something worthwhile and when my dad died my extended family on his side assumed this inheritance would be split between me and my dad's two biological sons, my half brothers. In reality my mum who had scrimped and saved to bring me and her two children from her first marriage up saw this money as backdated child maintenance from my dad. She got a huge extension put on our house and a drive on lawnmower and a new car and a workshop in the garden for her new bf (my new stepdad).

I was so sad when I found out about the money as a teen as I would have loved to have had that money for driving lessons and now I'm older a deposit on a car. Whenever I see my extended family they bring up this money that we "should" have had and my extended family gave my two brothers money that they raised by selling my grandma's furniture (this was planned anyway they didn't flog family heirlooms or anything!).

I confronted my Mum about the money and she said that my dad never paid a penny of Maintenance so it was fine for her to spend the money and at the time she claimed when she died her two children from her first marriage (my brother and sister) and I would get an equal share of the house. The fact my mum planned to leave my other two brothers (who I don't like but that's beside the point) upset me because it didn't seem fair. Now my mum has realised her pension is paltry she plans to downsize and use the equity to live on. It's going to be about £90,000 conveniently the same amount she inherited from my gran.

If I think about the money and all the ins and outs it just upsets me. Not the money itself but the way my Mum didn't consider the feelings of my extended family or my half brothers, the fact I found out my dad on paper was a terrible father. That £90,000 open a whole can of worms that really changed the way I saw my mother and my dead father and it just wasn't worth it.

Now I'm older I think if my Mum dies I would like some of her jewellery that I love to go through with her and listen to where it came from and maybe some of her fine china that lives in a dresser that was her mothers and that I was allowed to have hot chocolate in as a very special treat when I was little (while she hovered over me like a hawk). Money would be lovely as I have no idea how I will afford a deposit on a house but at the end of the day it's not going to change the fact to get it my Mum would have to die and if she did that money would provide no consolation. If she needs it for a nursing home or her retirement or she decides to leave it to my stepdad (who loves us all very much especially me who he's like a father too) then I don't mind. In that scenario they'll need it much more than me; a healthy working adult in employment.

Basically the conclusion of my long winded life story is it's just paper someone printed on I really wouldn't worry about it while your dad is alive and well and capable of making his own decisions. What will be will be and getting fixated on the money you perceive to be "yours" from one of your parents will only make you unhappy and damage the relationships you have with, potentially, many of your family members.

kelloggs36

i would just add that if you have the type of family where you can talk about things, then do so and he can then make absolutely clear his intentions - without him assuming that he has done things in the way that will lead to his intentions (if you see what I mean) - and you are then clear what to expect. That is what my family has done, now that mum understands where she and my dad went wrong (from her point of view, not mine), she has been able to put things in place to ensure that what she wants can happen (to the point where she does have control) and we know that there will be no high expectations in the future, and no reason for us to fall out over it. What we would like ultimately, is for mum to live for as long as possible of course!

melancholly

rozmister wrote: »

Basically the conclusion of my long winded life story is it's just paper someone printed on I really wouldn't worry about it while your dad is alive and well and capable of making his own decisions. What will be will be and getting fixated on the money you perceive to be "yours" from one of your parents will only make you unhappy and damage the relationships you have with, potentially, many of your family members.

i guess i think the will situation made you find out the 'truth' about relationships in your family.... is that a bad thing in the long run? better to have talked about it and to understand your mum's decision now, rather than find yourself having to work out how to justify it later...? because of that you had the chance to ask questions and it must be so much worse to only find out after someone's gone and not be able to speak to them.

is the problem 'the will'? if the extended family think it's ok to harss you about your mum's will whenever they see, then the problem is their behaviour, surely? it may have changed the way that you view your parents, but if that's the truth, surely at some level, it's better to know?

rozmister

melancholly wrote: »

i guess i think the will situation made you find out the 'truth' about relationships in your family.... is that a bad thing in the long run? better to have talked about it and to understand your mum's decision now, rather than find yourself having to work out how to justify it later...? because of that you had the chance to ask questions and it must be so much worse to only find out after someone's gone and not be able to speak to them.

is the problem 'the will'? if the extended family think it's ok to harss you about your mum's will whenever they see, then the problem is their behaviour, surely? it may have changed the way that you view your parents, but if that's the truth, surely at some level, it's better to know?

I can completely see what you're saying. But unfortunately I can't choose my family and some things would have been best left in the past rather than raked over. I was also only 16 - 18 when it all came out and, without sounding self pitying, was quite a vulnerable teen and I think that was made worse by feeling alienated from my family because of the things the issues with the money revealed. I know it's quite a weak thing to say but sometimes ignorance is bliss!

I come from a big extended family which is outspoken and has a strong family bond so people do speak out and speak about things like that. It's not how I would have chosen it to be but it is and, in my experience, money, inheritance and talking about it and what WOULD have been fair doesn't benefit anyone.