How to support your OH when you really want to shake him!

74jax

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

(maybe after a nice meal and a glass of red, so you are both relaxed).

I'm liking your thinking.

TBH I am a bit uncomfortable about your comment that 'he' has enough money in the bank, and that he hasn't suggested that he'll contribute to the family income from 'his' savings. He is making a big decision which could potentially have huge knock on effects on the whole family's lifestyle and finances, and he's refusing to discuss his plans with you in any real detail? This is why I think an informal and unemotional chat about ideas would be a good start as I feel that you need to open up the channels of communication.

Good luck.

I agree, he may well ask what on earth I'm worried about of course he would use savings to help us. But he hasn't said this, so I'm thinking it's not an option. I need to drink that wine and ask him outright.

At the moment we pay into our bills acount a % relating to our incomes, so he contributes far far more than me. I'm of the opinion in the months he isn't earning I will be putting in 100% of the bills money. Which I could do, but I would have nothing else left over. Yes he would have his savings should he 'fancy a night out' or whatever.

jcr16

have u guys not been together very long ? as your talking a bit about him ,like you just don't know what he's thinking, or that you trust him to do the right thing and help to support you and his children.

i've only been married to hubby for 10 years but i know without questions if he had savings and wasn't earning he would even bat an eyelid at using them to pay bills for the family. he would never let me pay for everything for our children and him if he was sitting on some money. unless we agreed that we wouldn't touch savings but just to use the money i brought in for the family.

Fly_Baby

74jax wrote: »

My OH is seriously considering leaving his job and working for a friend as an instructor as and when required.

I would be cautious of working for a friend, for many reasons, and would be extremely cautious if I was considering to give up my main job for that.

If your husband's relationship with his friend should go sour, so will his instructor's job, quite possibly.

zzzLazyDaisy

This is a really mean thought and I apologise in advance... but the friend isn't a woman, is it?

74jax

jcr16 wrote: »

have u guys not been together very long ? as your talking a bit about him ,like you just don't know what he's thinking, or that you trust him to do the right thing and help to support you and his children.

QUOTE]

Sorry, my fault entirely - I didn't give all the facts. We have been living together since May last year. My daughter isn't his child.

Fly_Baby wrote: »

I would be cautious of working for a friend, for many reasons, and would be extremely cautious if I was considering to give up my main job for that.

If your husband's relationship with his friend should go sour, so will his instructor's job, quite possibly.

Agreed but he wouldn't be working 'with' his friend. However I do agreed entirely with this.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This is a really mean thought and I apologise in advance... but the friend isn't a woman, is it?

No need to apologise, I don't really understand why you would apologise? No it's a male friend who left his well paid job to set up this business and now needs someone else to expand the company as he can't be in two places at once.

conradmum

After reading this through I'm left wondering if there's something else going on here. Your OH seems to be hardworking and responsible if he's got a year's worth of wages saved and an apartment to rent out. People like that typically don't struggle for money. On the face of it, as he's done so well I'd say he deserves a break if he isn't happy with what he's doing, although it isn't a good time economically it has to be said.

Is he getting the feeling that you're more concerned about the income he brings in than his personal happiness? Is that why he's digging his heels in?

Are you worried that you may have to support him financially and you aren't prepared to (though it sounds as though he has previously been contributing a lot more to the household than you)?

I'm not jumping to conclusions, just trying to give you another perspective.

My husband works freelance in the same industry but has always supported us well over many years. I've learned to trust him and his judgement in making decisions about his career.

74jax

conradmum wrote: »

After reading this through I'm left wondering if there's something else going on here. Your OH seems to be hardworking and responsible if he's got a year's worth of wages saved and an apartment to rent out. People like that typically don't struggle for money. On the face of it, as he's done so well I'd say he deserves a break if he isn't happy with what he's doing, although it isn't a good time economically it has to be said.

He totally deserves a break, he hasn't been happy for a long time and I've discussed with him how we can change things. This idea I think would be excellent for him, I can so see him enjoying it and to be honest I probably brought it up more than him around 2 years ago but it's only recently he has moved forward with it. I don't mean to come across to you all as though I'm not for it (which must be how i'm coming across to you AND him and this is what he says) but I have concerns that don't seem to be concerns to him so he isn't answering them.

Is he getting the feeling that you're more concerned about the income he brings in than his personal happiness? Is that why he's digging his heels in?

He isn't digging heals in, he just isn't seeing any problems. He will sit and talk to me but when I give ways it could go wrong he thinks I'm being pessimistic.

Are you worried that you may have to support him financially and you aren't prepared to (though it sounds as though he has previously been contributing a lot more to the household than you)?

I am petrified of supporting the family on my salary and although bills would be paid, I don't know how I would pay petrol, food, car insurance etc. But I have 100% said I would do this to support him and I think that is the fair way of doing it. I see a household income as for the household.

He dose contribute more than me, so say he earns 4 x me, he pays 4 x more to bills. However this is agreed by us both and he may still have 2k left over from his salary each month, where as I may have £10 or so. But us paying a % of our salary works for us. So if he was bringing in nothing, and I was bringing in 100% of the income, I would pay 100% of the bills.




I'm not jumping to conclusions, just trying to give you another perspective.

My husband works freelance in the same industry but has always supported us well over many years. I've learned to trust him and his judgement in making decisions about his career.

I'm not sure I've explained that well.............

74jax

Fly_Baby wrote: »

If your husband's relationship with his friend should go sour, so will his instructor's job, quite possibly.

My fault again, sorry. He is not my husband.

zzzLazyDaisy

74jax wrote: »

jcr16 wrote: »

have u guys not been together very long ? as your talking a bit about him ,like you just don't know what he's thinking, or that you trust him to do the right thing and help to support you and his children.

QUOTE]

Sorry, my fault entirely - I didn't give all the facts. We have been living together since May last year. My daughter isn't his child.

Well spotted Jax!

OP, no wonder you are feeling insecure! And no wonder he is going ahead regardless without really consulting you - he's used to making decisions and getting on with things on his own knowing he has only himself to consider, and you are used to fending for yourself and your child on not enough money.

You guys haven't really had chance to adjust to being a threesome, and you probably don't really know how each other tick yet.

PLEASE, you really need to sit down, have a cuddle and a chat, and discuss how things are going to move forward (without either of you getting confrontational or defensive about it).

74jax

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

74jax wrote: »

Well spotted Jax! - it was jcr16 and yep I think that was a really good observation.

OP (which is me JAX), no wonder you are feeling insecure! And no wonder he is going ahead regardless without really consulting you - he's used to making decisions and getting on with things on his own knowing he has only himself to consider, and you are used to fending for yourself and your child on not enough money.

You guys haven't really had chance to adjust to being a threesome, and you probably don't really know how each other tick yet.

PLEASE, you really need to sit down, have a cuddle and a chat, and discuss how things are going to move forward (without either of you getting confrontational or defensive about it).

Yep spot on, I'm gonna use this as our way forward! cuddles, meals and red wine.

Thanks.