How to support your OH when you really want to shake him!

jcr16

perhaps he feels he doens't need to spell it out how he will pay. as is just knows he is happy to use his saving's. If everything does go seriously pete tong, then selling the flat might have to be discussed.

sometimes moving away can seem daunting, a change from what you know. but you will all be together, surely that is most important. keeping the family together, it doesn't matter where you live.

not everything can be planned out, have a contingency, have a back up plan. sometimes you just have to go with your heart.

doesn't mean you can't worry, but just trust your hubby. if hubby and had no income coming in and i had to pay all the bill's then so be it. were a team, we work togther.

74jax

Katie-Kat-Kins wrote: »

If he has made his mind up to leave anyway does it matter if his cards are marked?

I'm not sure, I've even suggested he go to his HR as ask if he can put his name down for voluntary redundancy but he doesn't want to.

Just say he decides he wants to do this freelance work, he goes to his employer and asks them about going part time or taking a sabbatical, they might say yes, if they say no then what has he lost, he was going to leave anyway so he can quit and be no worse off for asking.

He also needs to have a contingency plan. What will he do if there is no tenant in the flat and no work coming in? Will he get another job? What if he can't find one?

No, if the flat is empty and no work coming in then I earn enough to pay the bills. He wouldn't get a job doing 'anything'. When I was made redundant I applied for everything and anything going but he said he wouldn't do this.


My DH said he was prepared to get another job, cleaning or pub work or something else unskilled if necessary. Luckily we've managed so far and he hasn't needed to but he has to be realistic that it may become necessary. What would you do if you lost your job?

My contract runs out in October and I've been told in the current climate to be prepared it won't be extended. I don't mind doing anything though, I was lucky when I was made redundant I applied for everything and got one more or less straight way. I would start applying arounf June/July time and am more than prepared to do any job going.


Can he not wait until the end of the contract and hope he is made redundant which will give him a little windfall to help him set things up?? That would be my favourite option.

To be honest he doesn't need a 'windfall', he has more than a year's salary in the bank and doesn;t need any money to 'set him up'.

It's a lifestyle choice he is making. He wants to spend more time doing what he loves and I can't blame him.

ema_o

If your OH could wait for a few months (maybe until June) and get the appartment rented out straight away that would give him some additional savings to rely on, and also help to build a savings pot (over and above current savings) in case the appartment can't be rented for a period of time and the other plans don't generate enough income.

I think you need a plan of how finances will be covered in the worst case scenario, and how long you could cope should the appartment not be rented, no freelance work be available and only having minimum hours from the instructor work. Although you want your OH to be happy, I don't think it is fair for him to contribute nothing to the household for a long period of time if the ideas he has don't work out. Maybe if your OH could get enough from the appartment saved to cover 3 months of household costs.

I also think without a clear idea of how he's going to get freelance work he only has 2 potential streams of income not 3!!

It does sound unfair that he would not be willing to compromise on doing other work if what he is planning doesn't work out, and I would say that - seems like he gets all the opportunities and you potentially get all the fallout.

74jax

jcr16 wrote: »

sometimes moving away can seem daunting, a change from what you know. but you will all be together, surely that is most important. keeping the family together, it doesn't matter where you live.

QUOTE]

This is true, but I moved away when I divorced, I now have a 3 hour road trip every fortnight already to take DD to her Dad's.

She is in high school and very settled as I am.

I agree we will be together but him giving up his job to do the job of his dreams, it fails so we all have to move isn't the way I would like to make a big move like this.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I'm starting to get the impression that this job change is perhaps more important to him than the relationship and family.......

I can see him wanting a complete change of lifestyle and therefore being reluctant to continue in his old job part time, but refusing to even ask about a sabbatical (which would give him the safety net of being able to go back if he wanted) and also refusing to consider doing a different job if it doesn't work out seem a bit selfish to the needs of the family.

He needs to bear in mind that while he might have savings to get him through a lean year, it isn't just about meeting his living expenses. As a sole trader you have business expenses to meet, they often have to be met at specific times, and investments need to be made before you receive a return. His savings could be eaten away by the costs of setting up and running his business thus leaving him with much less of a nest egg.

I've lost count of the number of times we have had to prop DH's business up cashflow wise. Not because it isn't profitable, but because small business cashflow is unpredictable and credit isn't easy to get. There is always something that needs paying for, tax, materials, computer equipment, insurance, a new vehicle, etc etc etc

You also need to bear in mind that once he is fully self employed with no salary he won't be able to access new credit such as credit cards and overdrafts. He may even struggle to get a new bank account as he may not be able to meet the minimum funding requirements.

There is a lot to consider and if he wants to do this and is serious about the relationship then he needs to address these issues and be prepared to discuss them with you.

soupdragon10

Could you try to rent out the apartment immediately at least to see if this is a goer? That would give some income. You are dealing with several big issues here, and trying to resolve them one at a time might help.

It's not clear why he needs to leave his job so soon, as my understanding is the new work is seasonal in August. Surely if his current work has a natural finish in June then this shouldn't be an issue, especially if he might be made redundant.

You both seem to have opposite attitudes and views to money, and this may be what is causing difficulties. With your past experiences stability and security are key, whereas to him he has enough money and potential income, and probably doesn't have the same need for these.

Perhaps if the matter of renting the flat could get sorted out, this might be a step in the right direction for you both.

74jax

Katie-Kat-Kins wrote: »

He needs to bear in mind that while he might have savings to get him through a lean year, it isn't just about meeting his living expenses. As a sole trader you have business expenses to meet, they often have to be met at specific times, and investments need to be made before you receive a return. His savings could be eaten away by the costs of setting up and running his business thus leaving him with much less of a nest egg.

He doesn't need any money to set up a business as it's his friends business. He would be contracted to do work for him.

I've lost count of the number of times we have had to prop DH's business up cashflow wise. Not because it isn't profitable, but because small business cashflow is unpredictable and credit isn't easy to get. There is always something that needs paying for, tax, materials, computer equipment, insurance, a new vehicle, etc etc etc

He has access to funds for any expenses that he hasn't considered.


You also need to bear in mind that once he is fully self employed with no salary he won't be able to access new credit such as credit cards and overdrafts. He may even struggle to get a new bank account as he may not be able to meet the minimum funding requirements.

He doesn't have credit card or overdraft now, he has never had a mortgage. His credit rating is very low as a result of this, despite have money in the bank. Funding accounts would not be a problem for him.

There is a lot to consider and if he wants to do this and is serious about the relationship then he needs to address these issues and be prepared to discuss them with you.

I agree with the last point about addressing the issues. I really wanted to know how to discuss this all with him without him thinking I'm being negative and him feeling i'm against his idea.

At the moment he feels I'm not 'for' the change, which isn't the case. If this is what he wants then I will support him but I have concerns and issues which when I raise he sees as me being pessimistic.

From what i've read on here I have a better way of tackling it with him. I think our plans should be to rent the apartment as it is empty anyway so we might as well. To have a frank discussion of how things will be paid should his income be nil, just telling me will manage isn't good enough for me - I need to know HOW we will manage. I also need to discuss the whole idea of if it doesn't work uprooting and moving across country.

74jax

soupdragon10 wrote: »

It's not clear why he needs to leave his job so soon, as my understanding is the new work is seasonal in August. Surely if his current work has a natural finish in June then this shouldn't be an issue, especially if he might be made redundant.

He needs to give 3 months notice. He also needs to become qualified in his area of instruction. There will most likely be work for him once the warmer weather comes, however his friend couldn't say how much, all he could say was that during August he could pretty much guarantee 20 days. He may well have work May - Sept even October but we don't know.

You both seem to have opposite attitudes and views to money, and this may be what is causing difficulties. With your past experiences stability and security are key, whereas to him he has enough money and potential income, and probably doesn't have the same need for these.

QUOTE]

!!!!!!!HUGE!!!!!! different attitudes to money. I have never had what he has. He has never had to worry about an unforeseen bill, heating, 'what do you mean you've outgrown your school shoes', etc. However just because I don't have the savings he has shouldn't mean he can't live out his dream, I just want reassurance that he's understanding my concerns. And him saying if it doesn't work out we'll uproot to Manchester isn't the reassuring words I was after.

balletshoes

74jax wrote: »

From what i've read on here I have a better way of tackling it with him. I think our plans should be to rent the apartment as it is empty anyway so we might as well. To have a frank discussion of how things will be paid should his income be nil, just telling me will manage isn't good enough for me - I need to know HOW we will manage. I also need to discuss the whole idea of if it doesn't work uprooting and moving across country.

That sounds like a good way of going about it . You could even start off the discussion with "I fully support your decision about changing jobs - lets start planning for that" then get down to the frank conversation about household finances and practical issues.

ETA - I honestly wouldn't stress too much at the moment about the possibility of your OH having to move to Manchester for work, that prospect is at least a year away, things in IT can change very quickly, and he'd need a settling in period even if he did go work in Manchester, before you'd be discussing uprooting your daughter from school etc.

zzzLazyDaisy

This is just a suggestion, but instead of raising your concerns in the form of objections, or appearing to him as negative, could you maybe suggest that you and he sit down quietly one evening with a sheet of paper and work out a plan of action (a bit like a business plan). Maybe suggest that you knock about some ideas together about funding and contingency plans that will enable him to move forward with what he wishes to achieve (maybe after a nice meal and a glass of red, so you are both relaxed).

TBH I am a bit uncomfortable about your comment that 'he' has enough money in the bank, and that he hasn't suggested that he'll contribute to the family income from 'his' savings. He is making a big decision which could potentially have huge knock on effects on the whole family's lifestyle and finances, and he's refusing to discuss his plans with you in any real detail? This is why I think an informal and unemotional chat about ideas would be a good start as I feel that you need to open up the channels of communication.

Good luck.