How to support your OH when you really want to shake him!

74jax

Wanting some input from all you good MSE’s out there.

My OH is seriously considering leaving his job and working for a friend as an instructor as and when required.

He would be leaving a very well paid job and has been offered around £90 per day before tax. The work would not be guaranteed and would be seasonal. From figures last year he could say my OH would be needed for 20 days in August and he has around 40 people waiting at the moment for instruction. He couldn’t say how many days he would be needed other months, maybe 3 or 4 a week but he doesn’t know. It would not be in colder months.

My OH has an apartment which is empty and can be rented out for extra income (bought outright, no mortgage payable). I’ve said this again is not guaranteed and we don’t know what the market for a quayside apartment is like – it’s not as though it’s a house with garden which would appeal to families and couples, this is very much a single person’s type of accommodation.

He has said in quieter months he will look at freelance work – he works in the computer games industry and has a friend who runs his own company and would look at work from him. I asked how he would go about getting freelance work from other sources but he didn’t know.

The game he is working on now completes in June and so he doesn’t know what will happen then, he may well be made redundant. However I think there’s a difference from leaving a job and being made redundant.

He has money in the bank to fall back on, however I feel his income needs to at least allow him to break even. To me savings are what you need in desperate times, not to use once you have given up a well paid job to get you by.

His theory is he is spreading the income 3 ways – his instructor work, his apartment and his freelance work. He says I’m being pessimistic and only looking at the negatives.

I have been without money before as a single parent and it was horrible. I remember having to go without so my daughter could eat and having no heating throughout winter as I had to money to fix the boiler. I like my life now, yes we’re not extravagant, I’m not out every week, but I know there is food on the table and I can buy school uniform etc without having to budget for it months in advance. My partner prior to my OH was an alcoholic and a gambler. My life now compared to then is a million miles away, yet when I think of what my OH is doing I have all the fears and concerns regarding money that I had previously.

How would you all deal with this?

Should he decide this is what he is going to do, I will support him 100%, however as we are in the discussion stages, this is what I’m doing – discussing. Are there any ways I can be more supportive without coming across as being pessimistic?

piratefairy

To do this instructor work in August, does your OH really need to leave his current job?! Could he not work as an instuctor using his annual leave from the current job? Is that a possibility? Then he wouldnt' be letting down his friend, but the guaranteed income wouldn't be jeopardised.

Trust me, I know how frustrating it can be to see that someone you care about is not dealing with their financial decisions very well.

busiscoming2

When his assignment finishes in June could he possibly carry on part time thus allowing him to work for his friend?

jcr16

i would want my hubby to be happy. if he isn't happy in his job at the moment, it doesn't matter how much he earn's. in life you only get one shot, and happiness has to be paramount.

get the flat rented, do the freelance work, work for his friend. If he is gonna be really happy in what he is doing , surely that is worth less income.

whatever a partner does will always make the other partner worry, beucase it is natural. you worry that the grass might not always be greener, things might not work out. but we all do have to take a chnace every one and then, and even learn fomr our mistakes. but if we don't take a chance then we'd never get anywhere.

he might after lots more thinking realise it not gonna work, or he might wish he'd had this oppurinty years ago.

74jax

piratefairy wrote: »

To do this instructor work in August, does your OH really need to leave his current job?! Could he not work as an instuctor using his annual leave from the current job? Is that a possibility? Then he wouldnt' be letting down his friend, but the guaranteed income wouldn't be jeopardised.

Trust me, I know how frustrating it can be to see that someone you care about is not dealing with their financial decisions very well.

I've suggested him taking a year's career break from his current job, asking to drop down to 4 days a week and even the option of working freelance for his current job. He doesn't think any of these are options and doesn't want to ask at his work incase 'his cards are marked'.

busiscoming2 wrote: »

When his assignment finishes in June could he possibly carry on part time thus allowing him to work for his friend?

This is something else we've discussed, however as he is very specialised he is the only one in his company doing the job at present. As the answer above, he doesn't want to ask any questions to his employer that would make them think he is looking at leaving.

jcr16 wrote: »

i would want my hubby to be happy. if he isn't happy in his job at the moment, it doesn't matter how much he earn's. in life you only get one shot, and happiness has to be paramount.

get the flat rented, do the freelance work, work for his friend. If he is gonna be really happy in what he is doing , surely that is worth less income.

whatever a partner does will always make the other partner worry, beucase it is natural. you worry that the grass might not always be greener, things might not work out. but we all do have to take a chnace every one and then, and even learn fomr our mistakes. but if we don't take a chance then we'd never get anywhere.

he might after lots more thinking realise it not gonna work, or he might wish he'd had this oppurinty years ago.

This is what I've said to him. I said if he does this he has my support 100% and we would manage. If it doesn't work out and he has left his current job, he said last night he may well have to go to Manchester to find work in the field he is currently in - we live in Newcastle. I am not prepared to uplift my daughter from school etc for that. Yes I know we are looking at a year or so down the line but it is something I have to consider.

I just want him to know I am supportive but I do have concerns and feel I'm voicing them in the way that I'm coming across as NOT supportive. I feel I need him to reassure me as much as I am him. I'm trying to find alternatives so that he doesn't give up so much but still does what he wants and yet for him it's all or nothing.

He hasn't said if ends don't meet and I struggle with the bills myself and he has no income coming in then how we will manage. I need a contingency plan but he sees it as all working out how he wants.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I can see where you are coming from, especially given your previous history, but I think you are also being a touch pessimistic.

I think you and your OH need to discuss this more (I'm assuming that your finances are linked and you will end up supporting him if it goes belly up - if not then you probably need to back off a bit and let him make his own mistakes).

You need to explain your fears in terms of your history so he understands why you are cautious about financial risk. You then need to go through his plans in detail and firm them up. How much can he expect to get for the flat? How will he get freelance work and how will he make this work, what kind of income can he expect, what are his business expenses and what are his living expenses?

It is really tough, I've been there, my DH gave up a secure and reasonably paid job to work for himself. It is always a massive leap of faith and you have to be prepared for cashflow issues and tough times but it can be rewarding. My DH hardly spends any of the money he earns, it is almost all reinvested into the business, but hopefully it will be worth it.

My DH worked up to going solo slowly, would this be an option for your OH? Mine took a job that allowed him some time to work freelance while still having an income, then he gradually reduced his hours so he could spend more time working freelance, then he took a sabbatical before finally handing in his notice. Suggest he explores this.

balletshoes

If you can make a plan together (ie get weaving now with renting out the apartment, discuss how much savings he has/will have by the time his current job finishes in June, will that be enough to keep your household going for a year as he can't rely on any guaranteed income once he's left his job) then I think that would probably make you both feel better about it. You would see in black and white how the household finances are at their worst (ie with no income from OH's new ventures) and your OH would know you are not putting barriers up to his life choice.
If you do have enough money, using this plan, then everyone would be happier. If at the end of a year it hasn't worked out and OH hasn't picked up the freelance/as required work he thought he would, together you could look at the situation again.

74jax

balletshoes wrote: »

If you can make a plan together (ie get weaving now with renting out the apartment, discuss how much savings he has/will have by the time his current job finishes in June, will that be enough to keep your household going for a year as he can't rely on any guaranteed income once he's left his job) then I think that would probably make you both feel better about it. You would see in black and white how the household finances are at their worst (ie with no income from OH's new ventures) and your OH would know you are not putting barriers up to his life choice.
If you do have enough money, using this plan, then everyone would be happier. If at the end of a year it hasn't worked out and OH hasn't picked up the freelance/as required work he thought he would, together you could look at the situation again.

If no income was coming in from OH then all bills, food etc would be paid by me. He hasn't mentioned at all that he would contribute from savings. I've asked many times how we will manage and he just says we will.

If at the end of the year it doesn't work out, he will have to move away to find a job elsewhere as there isn't anything here he specialises in (unless his current job is still vacant). He only told me this part last night. I said would he not look at doing anything just to stay here, but he wasn't keen.

74jax

Katie-Kat-Kins wrote: »

My DH worked up to going solo slowly, would this be an option for your OH? Mine took a job that allowed him some time to work freelance while still having an income, then he gradually reduced his hours so he could spend more time working freelance, then he took a sabbatical before finally handing in his notice. Suggest he explores this.

Your post was really good, but I've just quoted your last part. I have mentioned this to him but he doesn;t seem keen. i've suggest a year off, dropping days, working from home. For him he leaves his job and starts a fresh, it's not 'a bit of both'

Thanks for your post though, it's a good one to think about.

balletshoes

74jax wrote: »

I just want him to know I am supportive but I do have concerns and feel I'm voicing them in the way that I'm coming across as NOT supportive. I need a contingency plan but he sees it as all working out how he wants.

my OH sounds like yours - "oh it will all work out fine". I do support his choices, but yes, you do need a contingency plan. In the past I have sat him down and gone through the figures, so he can see in black and white if it just isn't a financially viable option. From what you've said though, it could be viable, and that case, as long as you're both prepared to be practical (ie get the apartment rented now etc) I'd support him.

74jax wrote: »

If no income was coming in from OH then all bills, food etc would be paid by me. He hasn't mentioned at all that he would contribute from savings. I've asked many times how we will manage and he just says we will.

If at the end of the year it doesn't work out, he will have to move away to find a job elsewhere as there isn't anything here he specialises in (unless his current job is still vacant). He only told me this part last night. I said would he not look at doing anything just to stay here, but he wasn't keen.

sorry for editing, we're posting at the same time lol. I think your OH is being vague about the whole idea to be honest, has he just started thinking about it, and is just sort of thinking out loud at this stage? Whatever happens with his job, he needs to be responsible for contributing to the household, whether thats from his earnings or his savings. If you need to hear him say that, you need to ask the direct question.

He might also just be speculating about having to move away to get back into his specialised field and that he wouldn't consider taking another job to stay local. I know from experience that my OH, having done this a handful of times during the last 7 years, hates being away from us during his working week and always ends up finishing up the job, coming home, and starting work locally.

Katie-Kat-Kins

74jax wrote: »

I've suggested him taking a year's career break from his current job, asking to drop down to 4 days a week and even the option of working freelance for his current job. He doesn't think any of these are options and doesn't want to ask at his work incase 'his cards are marked'.




This is something else we've discussed, however as he is very specialised he is the only one in his company doing the job at present. As the answer above, he doesn't want to ask any questions to his employer that would make them think he is looking at leaving.





This is what I've said to him. I said if he does this he has my support 100% and we would manage. If it doesn't work out and he has left his current job, he said last night he may well have to go to Manchester to find work in the field he is currently in - we live in Newcastle. I am not prepared to uplift my daughter from school etc for that. Yes I know we are looking at a year or so down the line but it is something I have to consider.

I just want him to know I am supportive but I do have concerns and feel I'm voicing them in the way that I'm coming across as NOT supportive. I feel I need him to reassure me as much as I am him. I'm trying to find alternatives so that he doesn't give up so much but still does what he wants and yet for him it's all or nothing.

He hasn't said if ends don't meet and I struggle with the bills myself and he has no income coming in then how we will manage. I need a contingency plan but he sees it as all working out how he wants.

If he has made his mind up to leave anyway does it matter if his cards are marked?

Just say he decides he wants to do this freelance work, he goes to his employer and asks them about going part time or taking a sabbatical, they might say yes, if they say no then what has he lost, he was going to leave anyway so he can quit and be no worse off for asking.

He also needs to have a contingency plan. What will he do if there is no tenant in the flat and no work coming in? Will he get another job? What if he can't find one?

My DH said he was prepared to get another job, cleaning or pub work or something else unskilled if necessary. Luckily we've managed so far and he hasn't needed to but he has to be realistic that it may become necessary. What would you do if you lost your job?

Can he not wait until the end of the contract and hope he is made redundant which will give him a little windfall to help him set things up?? That would be my favourite option.