My journey to being debt free again!

jfc

Hi everyone

I can’t find my original post about all my debts that I was desperate to clear. But basically I wanted to update everyone and also encourage those that are scared or ashamed to open up and admit your debts to others, even as in my case to those closest to me who had no idea of the scale of my debts. It helps and it starts the ball rolling for recovery.


My story is similar to a lot of people who find themselves here. It came out of the blue to me, but really I should have heeded the warning signs a long time ago. I hope I don’t bore you but I would like to share my tale in the hope it may help someone else. Several things acted as an emotional trigger to my overspending, overeating, drinking…all things to extreme to escape. I had a head in the sand attitude to my mounting debts.

· I was made redundant in 2009 from a well paid job and although I found another job straight away the income was significantly lower. (£600 lower take home a month)
· I I lost my dear father At around the same time, following a cruel terminal illness.- this made me feel I should live for the moment when realising how my dad saved and yet couldn’t enjoy his money due to ill health
· I am in a damaging relationship – only really realising this to myself recently, when queried by my sister about why my partner of 20+ years had no knowledge of ,my debts. – despite 3 children together, he has a brand new BMW, belongs to a gym, belongs to a golf club, has 2 holidays abroad with his golf friends, eats out once a week….whilst I am drowning in debt, buying things for the children. How could he think they afforded clothes, money for school trips…when I earn so little.
· My 18 year old son was arrested for sexual assault – after going through 9 months of hell, the girl admitted she made it up to get at her boyfriend – I ended up on antidepressants and sleeping tablets to help keep me sane to help my son cope.

Now for the debt information:

I owe:

Freemans - £2000
Capital one - £8500
Egg - £5000
Barclayloan - £15000 (was £25000)
Very catalogue - £2000


My income is not so great:-

Wages: £920 take home
Child Ben £134

To resolve each mounting debt crisis, I borrowed more, transferred balances, used catalogue deals on buy it now pay later etc…more and more debt piling up.

I managed not to become overdrawn and still have £3000 credit in my bank account (although that’s a false economy)

Recently, I have been getting bad migraines, went to see my GP and was given beta blockers to take on a daily basis. These have made me feel tired and out of control even more.

Things took a turn for the worse when I contacted my employer to change how my lump sum is divided on my death. I realised I was subconsciously planning to end it all for the sake of my children.

I trawled through websites about selling kidneys (although illegal I was desperate). Then this weekend after drinking a bottle of spirit and looking at suicide websites…my daughter telephoned me, she could tell I was down, she said I love you mum, don’t do anything silly…I realised how selfish I was being, even in debt I was still their mum….I took the decision to write a letter to my mum and sister explaining about my predicament, hoping for advice …I had considered an IVA but it would involve telling my partner, who would not understand in the least why he should have to remortgage our house just to help me…even though all the debts were built up supporting our children and giving him nice holidays etc…

My mum and sister have offered me a lifeline for which I am deeply grateful. My mum is paying of my debts using an advance on inheritance, and in return I have to destroy all my credit cards etc, plus pay in a sum of money into an investment plan which is only to be touched in emergencies (hopefully not till I retire in 20 years time). My sister has drawn up a careful plan for me to stick to with spending. She also has asked me to go to the doctor as she has suspected for some time that I suffer with Bipolar. Not just to do with spending but in the past I have attempted suicide and have extreme mood swings, she thinks my spending is to compensate for other areas of my life that I have no control over…spending gave me power and a thrill…its not acceptable and I have to take responsibility for my own problem…but she has kindly offered to come with me to see the DR. I am scared but I think this is the right way forward.


Anyway…I have written so much now…I will update you on my journey as it progresses….one question though, I have written to Barclays to ask for a early settlement figure, do you know if its likely to be beneficial to pay it off half way through the loan term or will they pile on early payment fees?

My thoughts are with all those in a similar place..xxxx

jfc

I am also very scared....more scared than before as I really dont want to fail, its my last chance to be normal

LAM2011

hi jfc - well done for being so brave to come on and put it all in the open. I am only a recent member but have found everyone on here so supportive - non judgmental and a mountain of information. I am sorry to hear that things seem so bad at times for you but like your daughter says - they need you - come on here and chat to us. Go see the doctor too - take everything one step at a time.

I can relate to a lot of your issues - some of them personal experiences to me too. I hope things get better for you. x

arthursleep

What a brave post , good luck with getting debt free you will get there

BEAT_THE_DEBT

I am with you.x

Londonboy_3

You need to tell your partner about both your feelings and the debt. It is not healthy to keep this hidden.

He has the answer to paying off the debt sitting on your driveway - and almost any man in that position would have no issues sacrificing a new car for the health and wealth of his family.

Many posters here have had to tell partners about debts - it is rarely as bad as you think it will be, and almost always a huge relief to have done it.

secretshopper75

JFC, what an open and honest post, sending you lots of support and strength to keep going.

JustBe_2

Hi jfc

Well done on your post;)

You`ve taken a very brave step and your now on the right path.

Keep posting!

JustBe

vuittondreamer

JFC, your post was how i was feeling 3 years ago, desperate, noone to talk to, worried that those closest to you will judge you. I, like you thought my OH wouldn't never understand, he is so careful with money, puts money by for a rainy day, never paid interest on credit cards etc. One fateful day 3 years ago, he opened a letter addressed to me from mercers discovering i owed 9K on a credit card, but that was the tip of the iceberg, after the initial anger settled, i realised he was not angry with me, but himself for not taking an interest in me being so distant, and on the verge of leaving him. We with the help of my darling parents paid everything off, (beleive me I know how lucky i was to have parents how had £28K to lend me immediately) My point is, tell him, tell him how desperate you are, if he really loves you, he will stick by you, if he doesn't then he's just not the man you need in your life.
You are so brave, but i bet your already feeling 'better' by just venting on here, and i'm sure if your man knows, it's lighten the burden even more.

Best of luck with what ever you decide

jfc

Thank you for all being so lovely, what a supportive friendly place this is....sadly I have an update this morning that I felt the need to offload...I think I shall stick to offloading here in future and no where else...

I can’t believe what has just happened to me. It turns out that telling my mum and sister about my financial predicament was in fact the worst thing I could have done. It seems I now have lost all right to any form of compassion. My sister told me on the way to work this morning that my mum intends to let the cat out of the bag with my other half..”Accidentaly” on purpose! The grief that will cause my family is insurmountable. My daughter is in the middle of her GCSEs and my son his A levels!. On top of this my sister has told me she refuses to come to my sons 18th birthday next week as it feels like she is condoning the way my partner treats me. This is basically shifting the punishment to my son, I really regret opening up now.

My partner’s only crime is being unaware of my debt and stress. He has money for gym membership, golf membership, golfing holidays and eats out once a week with friends, whereas I am looking down the sofa for my bus fare into work…,I know if I tell him he will blame the children. he will state it is because of things like. my daughters prom dress, pocket money, clothes etc…that are causing the debt levels…not the living expenses of life! He gives me £100 a week to feed a family of 5 and in part I am managing it. but often top up this amount with about £50 of my own money for things like toilet paper, shampoo, soap etc (Tesco value mind)

I would have considered telling him about my financial nightmare if it were not for the reaction of my mum and sister. They are now treating me like a child and I feel I am being judged on all levels…it’s a bit like the person who is being bullied begging the parent not to confront the bully. and then when they do all the worst nightmares are realised and the situation trebled....I will have no one in my life that treats me with any form of respect…I will go back to being the child at 46 years of age! I know I did wrong, but I also know that its not my partners fault…ok he has money, but he has a better paid job than me and works very hard….despite being together since we were 17 and having 3 children together we are not married and I suppose this makes me feel vulnerable. It would be easy for him to walk away and then I would be in a worse position than I am now.

The thing is my position at work is very stressful. . I am supposed to be working 30 hours a week but the amount of work I am receiving covers a 50 hour week! I work late on a regular basis but never with an empty in-tray…in a bid to catch up my sister gave me a lift in to work this morning so I could get in an hour early and make a dent in my workload….but on route she dropped the bombshell that she and mum spent last night discussing me and had come to the conclusion they couldn’t absorb my problems without telling my partner.

I have called my mum from work in tears and told her that I would rather not have her financial help anymore. I was nice to her, I still love her, she is my mum…but I don’t want to feel that this gives her (and my sister) the right to tell my OH on my behalf…I want my privacy back! I am going to re-consider and IVA…my mum was very upset, said that its her money and my sister had no right telling me what she did, she still wants to help me financially but is the price of being in debt to my family worse than the price of being in debt to my bank….

This may seem selfish to those with no way out of their own finacial nightmare. . I expected to pay interest to my mum (higher rate than she is currently earning now) My sister was also going to receive a lump sum of the same amount as my mum wanted to reduce her inheritance tax and this is the last chance to give gifts of money before springtime…but I really don’t want to accept it now as I will feel I have opened myself up to lecturing about my relationship from now on…to be honest I regret telling anyone…some things are best left kept inside I guess. My mum is upset that my sister told me of her plans to spill the beans but also upset that my sister took it upon herself to say that 'they' were bailing me out, when it was my mums money and not hers (she has access to my mums income since my dad passed away and helps her with all her investments hence her being involved)...I dont know what to do now.

This is in contrast to my last post of optimism and hope for the future….I expected to be told off to some degree and then given help in planning my spending but not to be judged so harshly.

The regular sick feeling has re-emerged in the pit of my stomach again, but for a different reason

Hope you are all coping with your own gremlins of life

xxxxxxx

glittermonster

Could u not tell your oh yourself?

Not for him to pay but to share.

Hope u find an answer!

Small steps xx