CSA, non-resident father....nightmare UPDATE!

emsywoo123

carefullycautious wrote: »

THere is no way on earth i would be leaving my newborn with my alcoholic ex and his girlfriend. They could just walk off with him.

I would be stopping all access and going through my solicitor/courts for supervised access.

Keep your doctor informed on all this for evidence.

Not sure if this has come across clearly, but I am NOT leaving him either alone with DS, or with the new woman and DS. Either I supervise, or my night nanny.

swingaloo

If it was me I would be also telling him that his new girlfriend was not welcome in my home.

minimoneysaver

What if he tries to take the baby when the night nanny is there? She will not be able to stop him from taking the baby, especially if he is the father. It puts her in a difficult position.

emsywoo123

minimoneysaver wrote: »

What if he tries to take the baby when the night nanny is there? She will not be able to stop him from taking the baby, especially if he is the father. It puts her in a difficult position.

I am going to be here!! and he has no more legal right to take him than a random individual, no "especially if he is the father" about it, legally.

FBaby

You are starting the walk towards a massive downhill struggle. Ok, you have an ex who clearly is not a reasonable and responsable person. Most likely, if he was, you might still be together... you might accept right away that he will never be, that most efforts to allow your child to have a relationship with his dad will come from you and that however frustrating and infuriating it is, you are doing for your child NOT his father.

I am talking from experience. My ex is a dreadful dad when it comes to responsibility which means that it makes him a nightmare when it comes to being the father of my children. He does what he wants when he wants and messes me about all the time. On one hand he cries that he wants to see his children more often and uses blackmail in these occasions (he sees them two days a week), on the other hand, if he can't have them on these days for whichever reasons, it becomes my problem to sort out (even though I work full-time and so not easily able to pick them up on the days he is supposed to. He doesn't pay any maintenance, claims he has no money to give me, but spoils them rotten for Christmas and give them money to go shopping, making himself look like the perfect dad.... BUT.... my kids adore him and I know deep in my heart, no matter how much I soooooo wish I could convince myself of the opposite, that it is doing THEM good to have the relationship they have with their dad. He is a loving and caring father towards them and it means a lot to their self-esteem. So many times I have wanted to scream at his selfish behaviour and the unfairness of it all, but when it gets too much, I remind myself that I owe him nothing at all, but all to my children. One day, i will have nothing to do with him any longer and he will have no power over me any longer, but my kids will always be in my life and I will look back and feel good about myself for having done all I could to make them feel happy and loved.

Don't play the games even if he wins every time. Try to negotiate with him, tell him that you are ok for him to have more time with your baby, but that unless in exceptional circumstances, it has to be the same days every week. Tell him that you won't impose the nanny, but that you won't agree to his girlfriend being there until she is been in his life for a longer time, and try to come up with someone you would both feel comfortable with. Of course you don't have to do all this for him, but it will be the best for your baby. Unless his dad can show to be a terrible dad towards him (and not you), then it will always be better for your son to be given the chance to build a relationship with his dad then to have this taken away from him.

emsywoo123

Trust me, everything I do is for my children.

The only person he said he found acceptable to be here other than me was his girlfriend. It is an eternal battle against a brick wall!

He has, once again, changed his mind and said he will be here.

rozmister

Tell him access is on Thursday 3 - 6pm with you and it is not acceptable for his new girlfriend to come. You don't know her well and he hasn't been with her long enough for her to be a stable person in his life and therefore she may not be a stable person in your child's life. Suggest when DS is older it may be appropriate but it isn't at present.

Then stop talking to him. Don't answer his questions, comments or calls. You've set out when access is, he selected that date and time, if it no longer suits tough. It's not about him it's about his baby and if you don't play ball he'll know you mean business.

Apart from anything else you need to be able to focus on your little ones not running about playing silly beggars with a grown man who behaves like a 5 year old so standing firm and laying down the rules will either bring him to heel or send it to court either way you'll end up with set times and routines that can't be messed with.

emsywoo123

rozmister wrote: »

Tell him access is on Thursday 3 - 6pm with you and it is not acceptable for his new girlfriend to come. You don't know her well and he hasn't been with her long enough for her to be a stable person in his life and therefore she may not be a stable person in your child's life. Suggest when DS is older it may be appropriate but it isn't at present.

Then stop talking to him. Don't answer his questions, comments or calls. You've set out when access is, he selected that date and time, if it no longer suits tough. It's not about him it's about his baby and if you don't play ball he'll know you mean business.

Apart from anything else you need to be able to focus on your little ones not running about playing silly beggars with a grown man who behaves like a 5 year old so standing firm and laying down the rules will either bring him to heel or send it to court either way you'll end up with set times and routines that can't be messed with.

Thank you, I agree I need to stand firm.

I have said no to his gf, his access is 8-9 on a Thur, this may well have to be changed when DS sleeps at this time, but part of me thinks he may have got bored and walked away before that happens.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I am going to be here!! and he has no more legal right to take him than a random individual, no "especially if he is the father" about it, legally.

not strictly true unless you have a reseidence order

If he is on the birth certificate then he has parental responsibility. If he should take the child and you call the police they will attend, check the childs ok and is looked after, then leave as there is nothing to state the child lives with you.

EDIT: You're right not to let him push you about.

My solicitor has sent a letter to make Ex asking him to state DD lives with me and he's happy for that to continue - It wont make slightest bit of difference if he takes DD but i could use it in court if he tried. It also states contact days and times and says Ex must collect and drop off promptly and that although Ex's GF etc would like contact with our DD that I feel DD would like time alone with dad (You can not deem who ex has around your child when that child is at contact with dad - same as he cant tell you who is allowed around the child) Maybe you could get your solicitor to do something similar?

emsywoo123

mommyme wrote: »

not strictly true unless you have a reseidence order

If he is on the birth certificate then he has parental responsibility. If he should take the child and you call the police they will attend, check the childs ok and is looked after, then leave as there is nothing to state the child lives with you.

EDIT: You're right not to let him push you about.

My solicitor has sent a letter to make Ex asking him to state DD lives with me and he's happy for that to continue - It wont make slightest bit of difference if he takes DD but i could use it in court if he tried. It also states contact days and times and says Ex must collect and drop off promptly and that although Ex's GF etc would like contact with our DD that I feel DD would like time alone with dad (You can not deem who ex has around your child when that child is at contact with dad - same as he cant tell you who is allowed around the child) Maybe you could get your solicitor to do something similar?

He does not have PR, as he is not on the birth certificate, therefore I don't think I need to take legal steps as yet.....if he wants to mess about, then he can take me to court!