CSA, non-resident father....nightmare UPDATE!

Person_one

Good God, as if looking after a 9 week old baby (solo) isn't stressful enough already!

I'd be tempted to just ignore him until he starts acting like a sensible adult! Tell him visiting times for the baby will be Sunday 3pm-6pm (or whenever), be home at that time and then if he shows up he shows up, nobody can say you didn't give him the chance!

Keep plodding on with CSA, its the only reliable way to make sure he contributes, you can't be subject to his whims and random changes of heart for 18 years!

clearingout

if it helps, I have an 18 month old by my ex husband and we have two older children (4 and 6). We ended up in court for a variety of reasons and obviously, after the little one was born, he was also dragged into it. CAFCASS recommendations for him were 'little and often' for them to be able to build a relationship. That ended up being two afternoons a week from the age of 6 months building up to overnights from 13 months. He was breastfed, wouldn't take a bottle from me or when I was around, but my ex claims he took a bottle from him. Not sure I really believe it as the little mite was always starving when returned!

They do have a good relationship now but I think that has an awful lot to do with him having brothers. His older brothers both love dad so he follows suit - I'm not sure he really has the capacity to understand but it's heart warming to see him toddle to dad at the front door and give him a hug.

Keep going with the CSA - dont' withdraw your claim. It will help you budget if you know you're getting X amount on X day of the month. Why should you give that up? You have the option of dropping the CSA at any time so just let him build a relationship and work things out with you and then think about that at a later date. It's too much to cope with now. The CSA can take that out of your hands so let them.

Will he try mediation? If not, have you considered the court option yourself? It would be one way of getting the alcoholism recognised and managed with some professional support? I don't recommend the court route at all - it damaged my relationship with my ex beyond reasonable repair, but my ex isn't an alcoholic and although I do have concerns about his girlfriend, I know he's a decent enough dad.

Take care. You're doing great!

emsywoo123

ELP!!! Thanks for helping yesterday, further developments.....

.EX visits DS on a Thurs. Originally weds, asked to swap last week to thur. Last night he texts to say he has band practice on thur and wants to come weds instead. I say this isnt possible, as I had arranged for my Night Nanny to come an hour earlier so that I would not have to be present, she can be around.

Well, he went ballistic. Said he may as well bring his girlfriend as she is a childminder. I said no.

Now he wants to know when he can come when she wont be here. I want her here as I am so angry with him. I explained I was doing it in DS's best interests. What should I do?

January20

My opinion is that you shouldn't let him mess you about. This is a man who seems to change his mind as often as his shirt!
You are sensible to not want to see him when you are so angry with him, as it could escalate the situation.

I would say stick to your guns. He must have known he had band practise when he agreed to see his child on a Thursday. Perhaps he is trying a sneaky way to get his girlfriend to look after the baby (can't remember if you said anything previously about her) or he is playing power games. Of course he could just stupid and selfish?

emsywoo123

January20 wrote: »

My opinion is that you shouldn't let him mess you about. This is a man who seems to change his mind as often as his shirt!
You are sensible to not want to see him when you are so angry with him, as it could escalate the situation.

I would say stick to your guns. He must have known he had band practise when he agreed to see his child on a Thursday. Perhaps he is trying a sneaky way to get his girlfriend to look after the baby (can't remember if you said anything previously about her) or he is playing power games. Of course he could just stupid and selfish?

I didn't mention her before as I didn't really know about her. they have been together 5 weeks as I understand it.

He is now saying he will be going to band practice, and I need to make another time available for hi, one when the nanny won't be there.

emsywoo123

He now claims band practice has been re-arranged. Back to Wednesday.

This is doing my head in

dumpy

I'd stop jumping when ever he asks you to.

Make a log of what you have offered, make sure you note whenever he doesn't turn up. Make sure you record that you booked another person to be there to allow a neutral setting, it makes it clear that you are expecting him at that time and haven't changed your mind on a whim.

Put the CSA claim in (realistically based on what you posted over the last few days, if he agreed to something would you really expect him to stick to it?)

Let him take you to court if he wishes and take your diary of your helpful attitude with you.

At the moment he is trying to manipulate you by saying if you do this, I'll do that.

delain

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I didn't mention her before as I didn't really know about her. they have been together 5 weeks as I understand it.

He is now saying he will be going to band practice, and I need to make another time available for hi, one when the nanny won't be there.

If I were you I'd be asking why he doesn't want the nanny there. I'm not sure how happy his new GF would be to find out he's insisting that yoiu be there at the contact, like it's you he really wants to see

As for all this 'band practice' malarkey, if he can't put his son first then that's his problem, it's not like making music is his day job. I'm sure he can't be the only one with prior commitments.

All you need do is say that your son will be available for contact at X time on X date and that's how it is. You miss it you wait for next week (unless there is a proper reason he missed it, ie in hospital or something)

And you can tell him to wait until he has been with his girlfriend long enough for you to consider it a stable and lasting relationship before you choose whether or not you want her introduced to your son. Yes he's only a baby right now and doesn't know, but you don't want to set a precedent for him to parade all sorts of unsuitable girlfriends throughout your son's childhood.

Also if she is a childminder is he around when she's working? If he's been drinking around the children she minds she could find herself in a lot of hot water.

emsywoo123

Apparently she "used" to be a childminder........looking on Facebook, she works in a supermarket on the deli counter now, no idea why?

He wants his GF there as he understands I will not leave him alone with DS, but wants it to be "someone he knows" As I pointed out, I didn't much care whether he knew them or not, it was more that DS knew them and would be ok!

carefullycautious

THere is no way on earth i would be leaving my newborn with my alcoholic ex and his girlfriend. They could just walk off with him.

I would be stopping all access and going through my solicitor/courts for supervised access.

Keep your doctor informed on all this for evidence.