Partner confiding in another woman (online)

pinknails

thankyou everyone,

I have obviously have thinking to do. This situation is not healthy at all, im so frustrated as all along I have bent over backwards to accomodate his state of mind/how he is but I cant take anymore I feel. Not sleeping,eating or thinking straight. I don't want this relationship to go along with me wondering what he's up to which it is, im even questioning myself thinking its me who is being paranoid. I suggested the last time i took him back that we go to relate or something, as I feel I need to deal with what he has done to damage our relationship in the past (one instance I was staying with him at his house and his ex wife contacted him saying she wanted to speak about the children, so he met her at a local pub whilst i waited pacing the floor in his house, i later found out the conversation wasnt about the children)
The marraige ,from what ive heard (read what he said to the twit woman)..was in the end based on the children and they didnt do anything as a couple on their own. Not my problem?! Why bring it into our relationship, why talk so deeply about it to another woman with whom he liases with so emotionally. He would contact this woman before he would contact me everyday, 6 in the morning as he wakes up and last thing at night. Apparently, reading from his tweets to others shes been a rock and is such a fantastic person despite all her problems?!? Lots of kisses on their communications.
Look at me, crying again , what a mess.

aliasojo

pinknails wrote: »

He has said to me that he feels he cant speak to me about his feelings for fear of losing me?

Just a thought, but often men seem to have pigeon holed ideas about partners.

Much in the same way some men feel their wife/partner cannot ever be told of what they really like in bed, which is why they visit prostitutes to cater for their needs.

Perhaps he has similar ideas about what being a partner constitutes? You are a fair bit younger than him, and he's already told you he can't speak to you about his feelings so I suggest this is where you need to start. If you intend trying to work this out, that is.

I agree he is wrong in what he is doing. My question would be why he is doing it. The answer to that would determine whether we split or worked at it. Either way, the two of you need to do some in depth talking and he needs to realise that despite the fact he feels it's not serious, it is for you.

Gavin83

Am I the only one who doesn't view what he has done as cheating? You seem to place real importance on him telling you everything about how he is feeling and clearly for some reason or another he struggles to do this. Either he finds you difficult to talk to or he finds everyone difficult to talk to but I think most middle aged men are like this with their feelings. It's easy to talk to someone online because it's anonymous. I've said things to people online I wouldn't discuss with anyone else and this forum is full of people talking about their feelings when they can't speak to their partner.

Honestly instead of trying to force him to talk I'd encourage him to speak to a professional if things are bothering him that much.

**curlywurly**

Gavin, I agree with you EXCEPT that the timing and type of these messages smacks of betrayal for me. If my OH was confiding in someone else I would be a bit sad, nothing more. But here we have a guy who has deliberately set up a new account, uses hugs and kisses, and who communicates with her at all times of the night and day. If I was the OP, I would feel terribly betrayed.

jazzyman01

It really is down to how his partner feels. She considers it cheating and that is the main factor. Quite frankly I would consider it cheating too, a real betrayal.

DVardysShadow

Gavin83 wrote: »

Am I the only one who doesn't view what he has done as cheating? You seem to place real importance on him telling you everything about how he is feeling and clearly for some reason or another he struggles to do this. Either he finds you difficult to talk to or he finds everyone difficult to talk to but I think most middle aged men are like this with their feelings. It's easy to talk to someone online because it's anonymous. I've said things to people online I wouldn't discuss with anyone else and this forum is full of people talking about their feelings when they can't speak to their partner.

Honestly instead of trying to force him to talk I'd encourage him to speak to a professional if things are bothering him that much.

Somehow, I feel a roasting coming your way...

But I think you have put your finger on the other possibility here. Either he is distinctly cheating - or he has things he does not feel able to share with his partner.

The important thing, I think, at this point is not to rush to solutions like dump him or get him to speak to a professional, but instead work out what is in his head. And then [STRIKE]dump him[/STRIKE] deal with it accordingly.

Personally, I think he is cheating. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. And I would hazard a guess that what is in the exchanges reveals that the woman is not thinking she is only helping him express the difficult things. But it is what is in his head that matters.

clearingout

the marriage broke down because they didn't do anything as a couple? well, alarm bells ring there for me, even if they don't for you. My ex, who had had an affair for a number of years before finally walking out (I had no idea), would tell you that was one of his reasons for leaving me. You don't leave for that reason alone.

Add that to the fact he's happy to set up new accounts on line so you can't see what he's up to.

sweetheart, you need to get out before he makes a huge mug of you. Sorry to be blunt.

SugarSpun

I was recently talking with my husband about a friend of his who wanted my professional opinion on the state of his marriage (I'm a psych worker). DH asked me to email the guy direct and I pointed out that since the wife is very jealous of his contacts with others, learning that he was discussing her with another woman would fan the flames so I suggested that I use DH's email and write the reply, then he send it.

DH was frankly astounded to learn that women don't like their partners confiding in other women and didn't understand why.

While I think the xxx-ing and virtual hugging is going too far, is there any chance that your partner is similarly clueless, needing somewhere to vent emotions he isn't comfortable sharing with you and not understanding that it could be hurtful?

rozmister

Kick him to the kerb he sounds like an absolute loser.

Seriously who conducts an emotional affair on Twitter?! Someone with serious issues with intimacy and issues grasping boundaries within a relationship.

balletshoes

OP I don't think, from what you've said in your first post, that you can find it in you to trust your OH. You have said more than once that trust is really important to you, but then almost in the same breath you're following each other on social network sites, found him on twitter etc anonymously, so you clearly don't trust him.

There is more than lack of trust going on here if your partner feels he can't talk to you about his feelings etc for fear of hurting you, or you not understanding his point of view and getting upset.

I don't think you're compatible in this respect, and I think you really need to consider whether you want to continue this relationship. If trust is so important to you, you need to give it, not start off on the "he needs to earn it" attitude. If you've been having these issues since early on in your relationship he's maybe always felt like he'd upset you/hurt you if he told you how he's feeling, so he met his ex-wife and told her instead. He's her ex for a reason, and if they were reminiscing about their marriage, so what? Thats over, yes?
We can't go through life expecting that our partner's past just disappears when we get together with them, we all have baggage, and we all bring some of that baggage into our relationships with new partners.

I do think this new development, with the anonymous twitter account and new woman, is dangerous to his relationship with you though. I'd find that very disrespectful in your shoes, and if your partner doesn't respect you and feels he has to go elsewhere to get the emotional support he wants because he can't talk to you about his feelings, realistically where do you go from here? Not somewhere happy and fulfilling for either of you I'd guess.

OP I don't think you're paranoid, or that what your OH is doing is your fault, I just don't think you're compatible, and it appears that his ex-wife (the mother of his kids) is also a bit of a bugbear in your relationship. She's not going anywhere I'm afraid, so that part of his life you are going to have to deal with if you intend staying together. I have to say though, I don't really understand why you were home "pacing the floor" when your OH was out meeting his ex when she told him it was to discuss the children - she told him that, yes? So it would seem understandable that your OH would go meet her.