Partner confiding in another woman (online)

pinknails · 18 January 2011 at 9:29AM

Hello, I'm a long term poster on MSE but felt it necessary in this instance to use a different user name. I hope this is ok.

I have been with my partner for almost a year, im in my 30's and he in his 40's.

He has been dishonest during the time we have been together, not in a sexual way with other women...but for instance meeting up with his ex wife without telling me. I found out, we dealt with it and we moved on. He holds his cards close to his chest and he won't talk to me about things that are bothering him , I know when something is on his mind because he clams up. I put this down to the way his previous relationship was and we talked about how we need to work on this , for us to have a future based on trust. I, however, am always thinking there is something he is keeping from me and more often than not I found out that there is. The final straw came yesterday when it I found out about a twitter account he had set up last year (in an anomynous name). We both have twitter accounts and we follow each other etc. When reading the timeline and direct messages on his anomynous account i was schocked to find that he has been seeking emotional support from one woman in particular. The tone of messages are flirtatious, they contact each other first thing in the morning, last thing at night and he tells her things he has never told me. She of course is loving the attention, plenty of xxx's all around , virtual hugs, etc etc. I felt very sick when reading what i'd read and told him that I know about this account. I asked why he felt the need to set up an account that was kept away from me , and why he was seeking such emotional intimacy from this woman. His reply was that it was nothing, im making a mountain out of a molehill and that he hasnt contacted her since the end of november last year.
To me, this borders on an emotional affair and im gutted. Absolutly gutted. I love him with all I have. He has said to me that he feels he cant speak to me about his feelings for fear of losing me? I have been very open with him all along, a relationship needs trust as a foundation to work and I now feel there isnt any. He cant see why im so upset. I took him back twice when I found out he had been meeting his ex wife, they werent meeting to talk about the children...they were reminscing about their marraige. She had delight in telling me so and also sending me letters he had sent her. I forgave him and took him back , but now this has happened. Am i right to feel wronged? If not please say so as i'll need to look at myself to see if im the one with the problem.
I'm in bits and didnt know where else to go to get some impartial advice. Thankyou for listening

Bloomin_Freezing2 · 18 January 2011 at 9:35AM

:grouphug: What a shock that must've been for you. I have very low opinions on people who have affairs, and even though he hasn't had sex with this twitter woman, he has done wrong in my eyes. He has betrayed your trust, and clearly not for the first time. I don't really have an advice, but I feel for you, it must be so hard having a partner that clams up.

There will be people come along, i'm sure, who will say he only communicated this woman on the keyboard so has done nothing wrong, but if you think it is wrong then thats all that maters.

pinknails · 18 January 2011 at 9:43AM

thankyou,
I feel that had he moved it on with the twit woman onto something sexual then It'd be very black and white and I could then move on myself, without him. But what he is doing feels worse and I don't know what to do. I'm told he's allowed to do it, im blowing it up out of proportion etc. Im sorry by being so emotionally intimate with another woman online or not , when your in a relationship with someone else is wrong, well it feels wrong anyway. Im thinking its me with the problem, I should just stand back and accept it but do I? I'm so confused and feel trapped by it all

elvis86 · 18 January 2011 at 9:59AM

Get rid. Find yourself a man who doesn't act like a 14 year old and is able to fully function emotionally in the real world. He's in his 40s, !!!!!!!?!:cool:

FatVonD · 18 January 2011 at 10:06AM

You're absolutely right to feel the way you do, I would feel betrayed too.

It makes me so angry when the person doing the cheating (emotionally or otherwise) tries to make the other person feel like they're losing their marbles, I think that's almost worse than the cheating.

skypie123_2 · 18 January 2011 at 10:28AM

Hugs!
But what are you waiting for? For him to move it onto the physical with someone?
You deserve a lot better, he has betrayed your trust not once but at least twice that you know about. He says he can't confide in you and you certainly can't trust him. Better to be on your own than to be driving yourself insane constantly monitoring this idiots behaviour. Because you will. I have been there, get rid!
xxx

paddy's_mum · 18 January 2011 at 10:33AM

You want it in only a few words? He's immature, insensitive, selfish and disloyal.

Only a person whose feelings are not involved could possibly be having nice little chats with an ex and be surprised that the person who now loves them is hurt and upset by it. Why did he and his wife even bother to get divorced if their marriage was so okay that it warranted secret meetings and cosy reminiscing?

If he found you laid across the back seat in the dark end of the pub car park some night, wrapped in the arms of some unknown bloke indulging in the sloppiest kissing-session going, would he be upset or would he be perfectly laid back and accepting when you said "oh, but sweetheart ... nothing happened".

Yeah, right ....

This is disloyalty however much he tries to sugar-coat it.

clearingout · 18 January 2011 at 10:34AM

why did his marriage break down?

sassyblue · 18 January 2011 at 10:43AM

clearingout wrote: »

why did his marriage break down?

Good point.

I don't like the sound of this man and wonder if he'll ever change, his excuses are weak. Why are they not communicating on twitter, are they texting each other instead??

It's a shame you're so in love he sounds like a pig sorry, and don't let him fool you into thinking you're the one with a problem - you're not.

jazzyman01 · 18 January 2011 at 10:58AM

What do you want to do? It is easy for complete strangers to offer you advice - however right the advice might be. It is a lot easier to say leave someone when you are not the one emotionally involved.

You have given him chances and he is still treating you badly. If you forgive him this time, how long before he does something again? It wont be long, he does not understand now that he has done something that has really hurt you. He sees it as your fault.

I am sure that you have asked yourself why you are still with him. I am sure you have decided it is because you love him. Now sit down and consider what that love is costing you.

If you want to give him another chance, it has to be your choice but try and get it on your terms. Go to counselling - they may be able to show him that it is not your fault.

At some point he needs to change or you need to walk away - however painful. If you dont, he obviously will continue doing what he is doing and you will someday look back at time wasted - possibly when he has walked out?