Expensive Reception wanted by my wife to be: am I being unfair?

LilacPixie

OP how long have you been with her?? how long have yu lived together?? Where did savings come from?? The reason I ask is you have said YOU have savings then said you were hoping to use them for a house deposit (fair enough) WE are renting because We were saving aiting for property bubble to burst. If these savings are indeed joint as parts of your post suggests then I think writting her wishes off as unreasonable are a touch premature.

leightonb

Thanks again all.:j I think we may have reached a compromise in that she has decided one of the hotel type venue would be nice instead (a LOT less money) if she can 'brighten it up a bit' (Jesus Christ!)

LilacPixie - Been together almost 10 years, lived together for at least 5 years. Its all my personal savings as there is quite a wide gap in earnings between us and I know what its like to not have money.

Basically, I'm happy to save up for a home for us both to live in (and even then, not to buy in this still inflated bubble) but not to blow some of it on one evening.

celyn90

OP I am so glad you've reached a compromise, I really really am. This day is for both of you and if you can both find something you are happy with then that is great! I wish you all the best cel x

twirlypinky

Personally (and i've not read ALL the replies, sorry) I would spend these weekend taking her round some show homes and print some properties off rightmove. Show her that she is taking her eyes off the prize!

She needs to use her imagination a bit more, and you need to help her do that. A stately home is going to be very restrictive to any theme she wants. If you take her to some lovely tudor barns, she could do some amazing things there with far less of a cost - some thing "personal to the two of you" - make sure you say that bit.

I can't give you any links because i have no idea where in the country you are - but you need to do a little research and enter this debate armed!

Dekazer

You'd be getting very different answers if you were in certain other forums. There is a lot of emphasis these days on weddings being the best day of your life blah blah, it's all about the bride, blah blah. I suspect the gals on here are a slightly different breed

IMHO, what you have here is a golden opportunity (hehe) to solidify your financial relationship before you get married. We all do it differently, and it may just be that you two haven't been forced to figure it out yet.

I would echo the other posters who have suggested setting a budget together. Figure out how much you will each put in from savings and how much family members will contribute (perhaps in lieu of gifts). Then you have a final budget. Everything has to come out of that, so if one thing (e.g. venue) is very expensive, other things (dress, flowers) may have to be cheaper. Then it just becomes a matter of negotiating. If the costs go up, perhaps the wedding will need to be delayed to allow additional saving...

I would also suggest having a discussion about your future joint savings. Your post suggests that you still view the £40k as *your* savings. Does your fiancee have any of her own savings? Is she contributing financially to the wedding and/or your joint savings pot?

Perhaps you need to talk together about your long term goals. Do you feel as though you are the main breadwinner and therefore have more say over it than your fiancee? Do you see yourselves as equal partners? If she does not earn as much, have you jointly discussed your finances to make sure you are both happy with the situation?

The underlying tone of your OP suggests, to me at least, that you haven't quite ironed out your financial relationship and that might be causing the problem now.

Best wishes either way, I'm sure you will be able to arrange a wedding that will suit you both. And after that, it's the marriage what matters

borokat

I'm going against the grain here, and I probably would have said different had I not read the post where the OP said he had £40k in savings.
You can afford to have a big wedding. She wants a big wedding. Her parents will pay towards it. I think you need to sit down and look at drawing up a realistic budget, where she too contributes personally towards the cost. You have the rest of your life to pay off your mortgage your wedding day will only come around once and it would be sad if she looked back on it with dissapointment. Why don't you also look at other similar venues and see if their prices are a bit lower?
I can totally see where she's coming from because when I went to look at my wedding venue I just wanted to book it straight away because I knew it was the one - just like I knew my fiance was the one!

LilacPixie

I thought I was maybe being a bit of a 'bridezilla' in my thougths OP, my reception was almost 6k :eek: possibly for the same reason as your GF. it was just 'the one' I had same feelings with dress etc.

OP glad you have reached a 'compromise' however I would personally be concerned about your financial relationship and attitudes to money. I would hate for her to feel you felt she was somehow not worthy of the wedding she dreamed of. I would be doubly concerned on a personal level if i had been spending literally all my wages on a lifestyle my partner wanted paying 50% of all costs despite a large difference in earnings therfore allowing my partner to save only for him to consider saving his and his alone.
Llike Dekazer it just seems a bit like she has one idea anout something yet your idea is very different.

m3ech

I can completely understand how your fiancee is feeling, only because I think a lot of us have that big perfect wedding in our heads when we're growing up & when it comes to the reality of being able to have it, it can sometimes be disappointing. But there must be someway around it...

Have you thought about speaking with the Chatsworth Hall to see if they are able to offer any discounts or offers for having the wedding 'out of season', you can sometimes find some great offers through some of the venues for the winter months?

Like some of the others have said there are other venues around the area with the wow factor which will probably work out a lot cheaper.

Another thing your fiancee probably doesn't realise just yet is just how much all the little bits are going to mount up to be... I didn't have a clue until recently when I started looking into things! So in a couple of months time I'm sure she'll be glad of saving money in whatever areas you can!

If you need any help is sourcing venues at an affordable cost then just let me know, I'd love to help!

Katie-Kat-Kins

I've not read the whole thread yet, but is it actually Chatsworth she wants or was that a figure of speech?

I went and looked at Chatsworth as a venue and was VERY unimpressed with what they were offering for the money. In that area there are some beautiful stately home type venues for a variety of budgets. I think if her dream wedding involves a big country house then you can accomodate that (DH and I didn't fancy a hotel either). You need to talk to her about the budget and why you don't want to blow so much cash then take her round a number of venues and get prices and discuss what they are offering. When she realises that an expensive venue may mean less to spend on the dress, ring, flowers, cars etc she may be more willing to compromise, especially when there are some more palatable options on the table. Or she may decide that a gorgeous venue is the priority (I have to say it was one of our priorities) and that she is prepared to scrimp and save and compromise on other areas to get the venue she wants.

I suggest that if you are in the chatsworth area you check out the following:
Tissington Hall (where we got married and absolutely fairy tale lovely - without the "conference room" feel chatsworth had.)
Tutbury Castle - very cheap, owned by the queen and very pretty
Bolsover Castle - gorgeous proper castle, not cheap, but probably cheaper than chatsworth
Kedleston Hall - national trust and a very beautiful adams building - photos on the steps would be gorgeous
Sudbury Hall - national trust and lovely
Hardwick Hall - also national trust
Ringwood Hall
Cressbrook Hall - views which are nicer than Chatsworth
Eyam Hall - private stately home, not too expensive and you can use the actual rooms in the house.
Breadsall Priory - ok this is a hotel but it doesn't look like one and it has lovely grounds
County Hall - this is CHEAP because it is actually matlock registry office but it is actually a nice building with gardens
Elvaston Castle
Newstead Abbey - I've seen some stunning photos of weddings here
Shottle Hall
Calke Abbey - national trust
Loose Hill Hall - I think they have re-opened now
The masonic hall in Littleover does weddings too
I went to a lovely wedding at the priest house, much nicer than your average hotel.
Derby Conference Centre has a lovely Art Deco room with a sunken dancfloor which could be nice.....

There are lots of other places, especially as you don't need an approved venue as you are having a church wedding. You could look at lovely restaurants in pretty settings or get a marquee somewhere nice.

Do not let her look at Thornbridge Hall - if you think Chatsworth is expensive you will weep at their prices. I nearly choked to death when I received their brochure!!!!

Do remember that you can negotiate with venues, often they will accept less money, especially if your wedding is an "unpopular day", you could also save by not having a "sit down meal".

BeckyArch

Glad you have reached a compromise!

We got married and bought a new house in the same year (last year). You have to be really careful about keeping the two budgets completely seperate. We were tempted to use some of the house budget to pay towards the wedding..but are so glad we didn't. You will need every penny of that 40K for the deposit along these days!

In the end we got the house we wanted, and also the wedding we wanted. The entire wedding, including food, drinks, dresses, flowers, cars, cakes, photographer etc came to 5K, and it was lovely. Our venue was a lovely listed building, the food was amazing.. getting married is not about how much money you spend..its about two people who love each other spending the rest of their lives together... which generally means buying the house of your dreams eventually too