Expensive Reception wanted by my wife to be: am I being unfair?

leightonb

I have finally asked my long term girlfriend to marry me, she said yes and we have booked the church she wanted. A white wedding has always been her dream (not mine - I'd be happy with registry office and meal afterwards with few close family and friends) but I have agreed to get married in a church as this is what she wants.

The issue now is where we go afterwards for a reception.

I made the mistake of agreeing to look at a stately hall type affair near her home town. She has fallen in love with it and wants to have
our reception there. Basically this is going to cost AT LEAST £7000:eek: for the reception alone and thats with cutting down numbers/having seperate dinner and evening invites blah blah.

Her parents do not have a lot of money but have offered to pay a %.
Though I have a reasonable sum of money saved up, I was planning on using this for a house deposit at some point (we currently rent as we wanted to save and wait for this crazy house price bubble to burst)

We have looked at couple of other places (vastly less impressive but
run of the mill ok hotels etc) but after seeing this grand manor, she
is not willing to settle for less and I have said I dont want to pay this much.

To be honest, I'm starting to hate this whole idea of a
wedding. I love her and I do want to get married to her but this is starting to really make me wonder as she is really upset when we talk about it and today even said she wouldnt be happy going anywhere else (after marrying me?! )
Am I being unfair in not wanting to spend this sort of money on a
reception?

shandypants5

No your not being unfair.

She is.

iamana1ias

^^ this ^^

Dump her now before she clears you out.

Belair

No, you are not being unfair. Set a budget for the whole wedding and stick to it. At the end of the day, the wedding is about the two of you becoming man and wife, not a lavish expensive party.

Good luck!

celyn90

I agree, I think she is being unreasonable. All well and good if she can afford it, but expecting other people to pick up the tab - even if it is the other partner is very very wrong IMO. It should be a joint decision, within a joint budget and if it's unattainable then it's unattainable. If this is just the venue, then the other costs could make this significantly more as if she won't compromise on this, it's unlikely she'll compromise on anythig else.

Saying you would be unhappy before you even start is just really really sad. Putting cash on the table should never be seen as a declaration of affection and stamping your feet like a child because you can't have something you can't afford is just unpleasent. This wedding is about the both of you, not just her. It's about a life together, not a one day party.

Would she settle for a long (i.e. a couple of years engagement) to allow her to save for it? Would she consider getting an extra job to help contribute to the cost? Maybe that would be a compromise?

l*g*d

I think she needs a shift in focus tbh. You could do with sitting down and saying that you understand that the wedding is important to her, but you still want to focus on your future together. If she can't see that she may well not be ready for the enormity of the commitment...but hopefully it'll make her see sense. Good luck.

LillythePink

She she can have it if she is going to pay for it

Ask her what she wants - one day or a house - and spell it out that if you go along with her and it costs X, then it's another few years renting before you buy and maybe have kids (if that is in your life plan)

I think everyone can appreciate that the idea of a big day is great if you can afford it and won't miss the money, but in reality it can be a struggle to pay for it and everything that goes with it as it won't stop at the manor house, but the correct linen, favours, loads of flowers etc etc etc

Good luck!

alisong1

You just have to talk to her and show her you care about what she wants, but it's just not possible. I think Belair is right. Set a budget, explain her why if needed and stick to it.
Again it's about you two becoming husband and wife, and she should also care about the way you feel!

youngie

does she realise how long it takes to save £7,000 to pay for such things. I assume you aren't a footballer!!lol,maybe you should discuss your everyday budget so she can see how long it would take to save that kind of money after all you don't want to start married life in debt, this may make her realise that she is just getting carried away and needs to be more realistic

Blobby8_2

If you have ANY doubts about marriage, dont do it. It is a lifelong commitment (or should be)

White_Sapphire

She is being unreasonable. She's got caught up in bridal magazine culture, where expensive = better and it's made her selfish.

Obviously only you can know if this is the result of years spent dreaming about her perfect wedding or a symptom of something greater, but I am concerned that she believes that she has a right to whatever she wants regardless of the cost to you.

She needs to be reminded what a wedding actually is - is there anyone else close to her, perhaps her mother, who could have a little chat with her?