Buyers are camped in our garden over Christmas

Caroline_a

sad_dog_lady wrote: »

cant wait to hear about the funeral.... what music do you suppose they went for?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6GXV0FNEeI maybe? :rotfl:

Bonbon

What time was the funeral? I'm sitting here with a cup of tea and biscuit waiting for any news!

clutton_2

""what music do you suppose they went for?"

in view of the title of this thread i would have thought "Abide With Me" was a strong contender....

almond

Bonbon wrote: »

What time was the funeral? I'm sitting here with a cup of tea and biscuit waiting for any news!

same here it must be a big do lol or the blind morners have got lost

thejonesfamily

Update for you all from the 3pm inferno.

I'll start where we left off

So Mrs J and I went out last night and left the car in town whilst we went drinking and got a cab back. It is fair to say we were both hammered, partly through stress and relief and to help us sleep last night.

We got dropped off and just as well because there were three cars parked at the house. We hadnt expressed much permission about having guests so late into the night so the blood started to boil.

However, my anger was disspated when I opened the door which knocked over the chees plant which in turn hit the bottom of the coffin lid in the hallway knocking it to the floor. Mrs C came flying out into the hallway so I ended up profusely apologising and felt guilty.

Anyway, the offered us a drink so I went for a nightcap and went in the dining room to find Enith (i cant remember if it is edna or edith or enid) laying on the table in her wooden overcoat suspended on bubblewrap with four others sat at the table including billy bob playing poker. Thankfully it wasnt strip poker, as I am sure Enith would have lost and she would have been naked all but for the pearl necklace, which she wasnt wearing!

I peered into the box and I must admit I nearly threw up. There she was, a little smaller than I imagined laying there like she was having a kip. In her box was a framed picture of the family. I asked where the neckace was and they said they were going to put it on later before they put the lid on. I asked whether the FD had put the pack of ciggies in i bought and rather than answer "oh, I dont know", Billy-bob decided to root around in there for a look and couldnt find them. I thought no more of it.

I asked where the dog was and Mrs C said Mr C had taken it for a walk because he was bothering them and looked like it needed to go out. Ok, so I went into the kitchen and all our plates were laid out with precooked food on them. I nearly got caught with a sausage roll and to her credit, Mrs C is a brilliant warmer of party food.

We decided to leave them to their game of Poker and went up to bed. I was just about to relieve myself out of my jeans when Mrs C knocked on the door and asked for a cigarette. I asked he if she needed a light and she replied "its OK, it will be lit tomorrow".

So I went back downstairs to fetch the ciggies from the hall and gave one to Mrs C who went back into the dining room, lifted the hand out of the box and stuck the ciggie in between enith's fingers and said "there you go mum, you can light it tomorrow". Now call it strange, but isnt it a bit like cracking a walnut with a sledgehammer lighting the cigarette next day on the crems gas supply? I nearly offered the ashtray but thought that joke a bit far, besides the crem will have one.

So we went to bed and slept well, more as a result of the beer than the spirits.

This morning we got up early around 7.30pm. We came downstairs and no sign of anyone. Enith was having a lay in again and the coffin lid was laid on top of the box. We had breakfast and then I went to walk the dog. The camer van was in silence and two cars had gone.

I came back a while later and saw the FD had arrived. I got in the house and they were screwing the lid back down and talking over the arrangements for the funeral which was at 3pm.

They presumably took her away as after my shower I came downstairs and the house was bereft of the deceased. The bubblewrap was still there and there were crumbs in a coffin shaped pattern where they had been eating Monster munch the night before. Mrs J got the pledge out and I cleared the table.

Whilst at the bin I got talking to Mr C and he was looking forward to the funeral to put enith to rest. I got changed into my suit a little ater and Mrs C finished up int he kitchen.

2pm came and the funeral car came back. They obviously saved on the costs as they followed behind in the camper. There were quite a number of bouquets in the hearse.

Anyway we all left, well we realised our car was in town still so had to bum a lift in the camper followed by the funeral hearse. We jumped in the car and laughed as the hearse tried to get back out of the lane we parked down. we ended up behind the hearse and there is was, staring me in the face the pinnicle of the day, the fag but flower arrangement, Now cigarette butts are not beautiful things but hats off to the florst, she even dyed some flowers brown to represent the tarring you get on the fag end. We had to laugh on the way down. We pulled over and let the clampetts take over.

So we arrived at the gasworks and I helped lift the coffin along with the other pull bearers.We entered the little room to Gareth Gates singing Spirit in the Sky.

We stuck enith down on a plinth between the curtains and we sat at the back and observed. It turns out that Enith was a bit of a fan of the Queen she was an avid collector of plates and other memorbilia and they regaled the story of her being mortified at going to the show in London only to realise we will rock you is about Queen and not Her Majesty.

A few hymns were sung (badly) and Mrs C got up to speak. She mentioned that Enith was a wonderful mother and it is very tragic she slipped away before people could see her. I dont know whether it was a jibe about her slipping on the pilates board, but if I couldnt get there that quickly from the other room, Billy-Bob wouldnt have got there.

We thought it was strange that people brought dogs to the funeral. But we realised they were the blind scrabblers. To be fair they came prepared for the cremation with sunglasses. They sat there and listened and I wondered whether the coach driver could have got away with driving to a more local funeral and still charge them.

Other songs were played. Kirsty McColls Days (i think that is right) and Blast from Greenday (very trendy) and she went out "always look on th bright side of life" which she did at about 3000 degrees.

We filed out and stood outside to admire the flowers. The fag end stood out and we looked up and saw the chimney smoking so we raised a Marlboro Light to enith. It was quite touching, especially when Billy Bob remembered he left his pack of playing cards in the box.

Anyway, we came back and Mrs C put out the food and we joined them as resident home owners and the house is still full even now. I am just about to walk the dog and then it will be back to more drinking. Mrs J is currently in the bathroom wiping the wee off the floor as the blind scrabblers appear to have fired a triple word into the mountain of Charmin.

I think that is it. And yes, the mint is in the driveway corner growing.

clutton_2

:rotfl:""Enith was having a lay in again " -- cracking line... utterly cracking:rotfl:

muckybutt

Thermidor wrote: »

By the way old chap, anyone arrested and charged with drunk driving has their court date rushed through as they're considered high risk and dangerous. The court date is usually within a couple of weeks.......it never takes months.

Beg to differ on that point !, the DD I got done after his car hit mine took months to get to court....and I mean months and months

busiscoming2

Pity there isnt a photo of the Fag end floral tribute!!!!

freecyclebilly

thejonesfamily wrote: »

Update for you all from the 3pm inferno.

There she was, a little smaller than I imagined laying there like she was having a kip.

I asked where the neckace was and they said they were going to put it on later before they put the lid on.

Now call it strange, but isnt it a bit like cracking a walnut with a sledgehammer lighting the cigarette next day on the crems gas supply?

Enith was having a lay in again and the coffin lid was laid on top of the box.

So we arrived at the gasworks and I helped lift the coffin along with the other pull bearers.We entered the little room to Gareth Gates singing Spirit in the Sky.

We thought it was strange that people brought dogs to the funeral. But we realised they were the blind scrabblers. To be fair they came prepared for the cremation with sunglasses. They sat there and listened and I wondered whether the coach driver could have got away with driving to a more local funeral and still charge them.

always look on th bright side of life" which she did at about 3000 degrees.

so funny OH keeps asking what am I laughing at :rotfl::rotfl:

picardygirl

freecyclebilly wrote: »

so funny OH keeps asking what am I laughing at :rotfl::rotfl:

My OH has been asking me what i'm laughing at since Xmas eve .... so last night i asked him to read the thread (he always slates me about sitting on these forums) and he read the entire thread from start to finish, took him nearly four hours ....... he was crying with laughter ....