Buyers are camped in our garden over Christmas

thejonesfamily

well here we go, probably now the final installment for a while until probate is granted and we get into the house we are supposed to be now.

If i thought the events of yesterday were an eye opener, you havent met saucy susan who it turns out is a black sheep of the family daughter of enith from her first marriage. To say we knocked on the door was a bad moment was an undestatement.

Friday

Thurs we spent the day clearing as much as the house into deadmans garage (we have been invited to the funeral so I can safely say that will be more upmarket without dog end flowers). The day was uneventful really, Mr C left Mrs C alone, they still werent speaking to one another. He grabbed a few clothes and yelled to Mrs C that he was remaining in the caravan until she comes round.

About an hour later we were clearing the kitchen cupboards when we heard the camper go. Took him ages to get it started thats how we heard. Mrs C didnt give a to ss. We thought no more of it.

Friday we woke early and all had breakfast, Mr C hadnt been home. I took the dog out hoping to see him parked up somewhere but he was nowhere to be seen.

The morning was about moving the clothes and bed out of the house and showing Mrs C where everything was. We offered to show Mr C and she said "there is no way he is coming here".

It was about 2pm after an hour of listening to all of their marriage problems we got a call to say completion had gone through and we confirmed the money should remain on account until the purchase. As we werent in a mad rush to leave (we borrowed a van), we stayed another hour.

To say Mrs C was upset at Mr C was an understatement. I nearly fell off the wicker chair when she mentioned that things started to get bad when she had the ann summers party at her house. She had treated herself to a few things and hid them from Mr C as he was a prude. Well, hiding the recorder was a game until Mr C walked into Mrs C in the bath and commented that he didnt think power tools were waterproof. It is prob that which started the affair. She said "from that moment on, i thought f**k it" so she started leaving it around the bedroom to prove a point to Mr C, and when he wasntg reacting she bought " a mother of a black one" which got his attention when he mistook it for a torch in the top drawer one night. As I type this I have a vision of the mad Mr C walking the dog at night armed with a dildo.

Also he is lazy in bed. Mrs J commented that the bedroom dept wasnt the be and end all of a relationship and Mrs C said her uncle who was in a care home had more foreplay, but i think it was more to do with his companion having parkinsons than technique.

She also went on to say how lazy he was around the house.

So we left her, wished her luck. she invited us round for dinner next weekend and she then began arranging the furniture. How she is going to manage on her own I dont know.

Anyway, we are staying with friends at the moment, but they dont have broadband hence why i had to get a dongle today.

As we said earlier, we went round to take the box with the ashes in.

We turned up,there was strange car in the drive.

We opened a door to Susan. She was about 60 dressed as a 16 year old. Mrs J's immediate thought was that perhaps she should get a bra fitted for her as her chest was mounted in the smallest of tops. We went in and Mrs C was hunting through the boxes looking for Eniths ashes in tears. (whoops)

Turns out as I said Saucy Sue is a half sister and she has come to claim eniths ashes. So we sat there on the stained sofa drinking the most awful coffee (some thing called mellow birds?)whilst they were both literally wrestling each other for the ashes. Susan wasnt told about her mothers death. Mrs C said, but Mr C called you and you couldnt make it.

No he didnt replied Saucy Sue.

What do you mean he didnt, i was here when he called you" replied Mrs C.

Sue denied it.

So how do you know Mum died then if he didnt tell you.

Mr C told me.

I dont understand, replied Mrs C

"He is back with me"

In what can only be described as a Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle and Judge Judy orgy, it emerged that Mr C has also been having it away with Saucy Sue the half sister and that he turned up last night to confirm he has left his wife for her. To strengthen the argument, he told Saucy Sue that the final push was when "Mrs C refused to invite you tot he funeral". Of course, Mr C didnt want SS and Mrs C to get pally at the funeral in case the affair was blown open, and Mr C not being the sharpest tool in the box didnt bargain on Saucy Sue coming up and reclaiming her mums ashes out of anger.

We tried to make our excuses, but it appears this afternoon, now that both women feel conned that Saucy Sue is taking Mrs C back to Devon with the ashes and they are going to spread them together. SS is also going to go home and with Mrs C give Mr C the biggest showdown of his life and chuck him out but only after when SS has got him naked. So tonight, the neighbours will have fun.

What surprises me is that Mrs C isnt overly angry about the affair, but if i know her, i think that will be a dish served cold.

So there we have it ladies and gentleman, unti we go for dinner next weekend, we will not know what happens tonight but we will let you know.

In the meantime, thank you for being part of our lives and making it sane.

Running_On_Empty

" ... uncle who was in a care home had more foreplay, but i think it was more to do with his companion having parkinsons than technique."

Oh no, I so wish you hadn't said that, Jonesy; my 90 yr old Mum is in a Care Home. The bloke she fancies has Parkinsons.

greenface

Are you taking the Michael.

InnerDemon

OMG so Mr C has been having it away with a half sister and the dr's receptionist:eek:
I hope its not his sister

RacyRed

InnerDemon wrote: »

OMG so Mr C has been having it away with a half sister and the dr's receptionist:eek:
I hope its not his sister

Nooooo, Saucy Sue is his half sister-in-law, (his wife's half sister).

Dunno about the receptionist tho :eek:

furndire

Mr C must have hidden talents then. Just shows, you can't judge a book by its cover, or this case dirty mac, or is that the secret.

InnerDemon

RacyRed wrote: »

Nooooo, Saucy Sue is his half sister-in-law, (his wife's half sister).

Dunno about the receptionist tho :eek:

Ahh thanks for that, was getting worried lol

furndire wrote: »

Mr C must have hidden talents then. Just shows, you can't judge a book by its cover, or this case dirty mac, or is that the secret.

Well it seems he wasn't doing it for Mrs C. I really want to see a pic of him tbh, see what all the fuss is about.:rotfl: Unless its his personality

clutton_2

""Susan. She was about 60 dressed as a 16 year old. Mrs J's immediate thought was that perhaps she should get a bra fitted for her as her chest was mounted in the smallest of tops."

this SO reminds me of Onslow's sister in law who lives with them in the Hyacinth BOOOOkay series.....

honeywes

........or the old bird in last of the summer wine, who was knocking the really old guy off behind his wifes back - sorry, cant remember their names, think hers began with M.

honeywes

.......just remembered she was called Marina.