Colleague issue

gwen80

I haven't read all the most recent posts thoroughly, just skimmed so far, but thankyou for your replies. I haven't wrecked his weekend, he is currently unaware that I have reported him. I meant that I feel bad for wrecking my managers weekend (who is also his manager). She was very good. Very shocked (nobody would suspect him capable of this), but very supportive. She is contacting HR first thing on Monday morning.

I'm really not sure what will happen now. My Mum's friend works voluntarily for victim support and she is coming round to talk to me hopefully this afternoon. I'm hoping she'll help me make sense of things and see things more objectively.

I'm aware that if this isn't dealt with properly that it could come back on me and I may not be able to work for the company anymore. If that happens I'll have to deal with it, but at least I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I did what I had to do. I know that if in years to come if I heard he'd done anything to anybody else I wouldn't be able to live with myself, so at least I'll have my peace of mind if nothing else.

For those of you still suspecting this is a wind up, if you have a look through some of my previous posts you'll see mention of a pervy colleague who looks down my top and sends inappropriate emails...this is the same guy.

Once again, thankyou to those of you who took the time to write supportive posts.

Gwenx

pupsicola

gwen80 wrote: »

Hi

Erm, I really don't know how to write this post...but here goes. My friend and work colleague exposed himself to me today.

The chap in question has been a friend for a while and if I'm honest, I know he keeps his brains in his trousers sometimes. I've had to do the 'my face is here' look on a number of occasions and he has been known to send inappropriate emails which I've tried to deal with firmly. So today I got another very inappropriate email jokingly asking if I'd model underwear to help him choose some for his wife (yes, he has a wife). The reply was 'No' to which he replied 'Didn't think so, I'll just have to use my imagination instead'.

Shortly afterwards, I went to his desk to pass him a document and he had his penis (this will probably get blocked, but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out...) out of his jeans, er um, looking attentive :eek::eek::eek::o I pretended not to notice, went back to my desk, turning bright red as I walked and sat there utterly gobsmacked for at least 15 minutes.

I'll be honest and say that I don't know what I want from this post. I don't think I will be telling anybody at work about it. It probably sounds daft, but I don't want to get him into trouble. Yes, he's stupid and he'll get himself into a lot of trouble one day, but I don't want to be at the centre of it, I've enough other carp to deal with without creating another situation. The other reason is that it's likely that one or both of us will be looking for new jobs in the New Year. I really just wanted other people's opinions (and didn't know where else to post this, so sorry if it's in the wrong place). How would you have reacted? I'm shocked and am quite confused about why he would be foolish enough to risk his career (and likely, his marriage) by doing these things. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Thanks and sorry for what I guess sounds like a pretty stupid post

Gwenx

Friends, those worth hanging onto, dont behave towards each other the way he is treating you. If you were to raise this with any of your managers they would have to keep the source confidential. Who is to say that other people didn't notice.

Please god, that you work in an adult only environment and that he doesn't come into contact with kids in his work. His behaviour goes beyond being a joker and I would feel quite sick if any colleague of mine behaved like that.

ceridwen

gwen80 wrote: »

I haven't read all the most recent posts thoroughly, just skimmed so far, but thankyou for your replies. I haven't wrecked his weekend, he is currently unaware that I have reported him. I meant that I feel bad for wrecking my managers weekend (who is also his manager). She was very good. Very shocked (nobody would suspect him capable of this), but very supportive. She is contacting HR first thing on Monday morning.

I'm really not sure what will happen now. My Mum's friend works voluntarily for victim support and she is coming round to talk to me hopefully this afternoon. I'm hoping she'll help me make sense of things and see things more objectively.

I'm aware that if this isn't dealt with properly that it could come back on me and I may not be able to work for the company anymore. If that happens I'll have to deal with it, but at least I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I did what I had to do. I know that if in years to come if I heard he'd done anything to anybody else I wouldn't be able to live with myself, so at least I'll have my peace of mind if nothing else.

For those of you still suspecting this is a wind up, if you have a look through some of my previous posts you'll see mention of a pervy colleague who looks down my top and sends inappropriate emails...this is the same guy.

Once again, thankyou to those of you who took the time to write supportive posts.

Gwenx

Well - thats it then...I would say that the fact you came on MSE before and mentioned his behaviour shows that you were bothered about at some level at the time.

Anyway - you've done the right thing and reported him now. I cant honestly see that it will rebound on you. As you say - your manager sounds like they were very supportive to you - so thats good:T. Hopefully your talk with the victim support person will help you get things clearer in your mind - so thats good too.

I'm sure you'll have many years to work quite happily for the company to come - and, as you say, you will be able to sleep at night because you know you DID do the right thing. I wouldnt be at all surprised if you find that you arent the only woman there that he has "played this game with" - time will tell on that one...

Take care.

pupsicola

I dont think you will have any bad repercussions from this. If I worked with someone, who had been put in your situation, I would admire and respect them for reporting it. You have saved others who work with you from possibly getting treated like that by him.

I think he has a screw loose. First suggestive emails, then exposing himself. Where would it stop. This kind of behaviour only ever gets worse and his grip on reality is seriously poor.

gwen80

I popped back in because I didn't have time to mention it earlier, but I wanted to especially thank those who pointed out that he may see that he 'has got away with it'. It really struck a chord. I've warned him before about the emails and have said that if he doesn't stop I'll have to report him...and now we're here...

My Mum's friend came round this afternoon, but she can't really give me any advice about what might happen at work. I have no idea, but the thought of going in on Monday makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I also wanted to point out that there are numerous reasons why I've been reluctant to report him including the fact that I'm aware that my (and his) emails will now be scrutinised. I'm not squeaky clean. There has been some flirting (mainly in the past) and I guess even some of what I've written more recently could be seen as mildly flirtatious. I'm also not immune from sending a few 'God, my boss is being a pain in the @rse' emails to friends when I'm having a bad day. However, I'm sure I've never crossed the line of mild flirtation to sexual harrassment and definitely never been sexually explicit, so I have to hope that common sense will prevail.

The other reasons for me not to report it were that I may not be believed (he appears squeaky clean) and he has friends who are managers. There is the possibility this could all rebound on me, but that's the chance I'm taking. My boss did seem to believe me on Friday, but I'm slightly concerned that given the weekend to plant seeds of doubt in her mind, she may not be so believing on Monday. I've just got to wait and see though.

I'm also slowly coming to see that really he has abused our friendship. He has taken advantage of my 'if in doubt, give the benefit of the doubt' nature and that is what is keeping him repeating his behaviour with me.

Gwenx

hippygran

Gwen,
Has no-one advised you to go to the police?
Indecent exposure is indecent exposure no matter where it takes place, and the police would take it very seriously. They told me that usually this type of behaviour continues to esculate....
Did your manager contact your HR department?
Did she give you any advice over whether or not you were expected to go in on Monday?
In my situation, I continued to work, as the man didnt actually work in the same building as me, but employers offered me time off whilst they dealt with the matter. My only fear was telephone contact, and I decided it was better to go in, and get my staff to screen my calls.
It would be very remiss of your company to expect you to go into work, because he wont have even been spoken to you by the time you arrive at work.
I dont really think they will be expecting you in anyway in the circustances.
Personally I would ring in sick, self certify, and call my manager for advice, and they probably wont make a big deal of this, as they will have other things to concern them come monday. If they ask, just say you have had an awful and worrying weekend, and are too upset to come in.
If you did need a note from your doctors for any reason, I dont think you would have much trouble getting one, because this situation has caused you work related stress.
If you do feel strong enough to go in, then by all means do so, but if you do, hold your head up high. You have done nothing to deserve this, and a few flirty e-mails, and a snog does not give this man the right to cause you misery and bully you!
Well done again on dealing with this!

gwen80

Hi hippygran

My Mum's friend said that I could go to the police at any time to report him, but she also said that nobody should be putting any pressure on me to go to the police.

It was after 6pm on Friday night by the time I'd finished telling my manager, so she couldn't contact HR. She has said she will contact them on Monday morning. She asked where I was going to be over the weekend and I told her I'd be with family, so she told me to go straight away. She said she'd contact HR on Monday and speak to me before she did anything further.

She didn't mention whether I was to go in on Monday, but I don't really have any choice because I have an application to finish which is part of the reorganisation that is taking place at the moment (yes, this really couldn't have happened at a worse time).

I'm going to go in, get my head down and stick to my mates like glue all day.

I really don't know what else to expect from Monday, but I am wondering if he'll be suspended.

I've just spoken to my brother about it, who just thought the whole situation beggars belief. He said the emails were bad enough, but how on earth does that happen unintentionally??

I'm still feeling incredibly guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I'm going to ruin his life. I'm so angry with him for putting me in this situation, where whatever I chose to do would be awful. Why would somebody with a good career, recently married with everything going for him risk it all for this??

Gwenx

Loanranger

No, you haven't ruined his life. What he did was not accidental. He has to take responsibility for his actions.

I do think you need now to try get some distance between yourself and this incident. What's done is done.
Stop imagining the worst case scenario, stop beating yourself up. You have a major task to do at work and berating yourself will not allow you to focus on that.
I don't agree with the other posters about taking time off from work. This is not going to help. You have done nothing wrong and so should go to work and hold your head high.

hippygran

Gwen,
Good idea to keep your head down.
Have you got a close mate at work you could confide in, who can keep their mouths shut, and give you moral support?
The girls (and the blokes) who worked with me at the time were ace, and really helped me through it. None of his calls got through - he was told I was 'off'. They even escorted me to the car at the end of shifts, in case he was 'lurking' following suspension, and subsequent dismissal, coz it took the police about a month to track him down!
I had the guilt feelings too, that I had ruined his future, but that feeling will pass, trust me.
At the end of the day HE is the one to blame. If his future is ruined, and this is doubtful really, he has ONLY himself to blame.
Just turn it round on itself for a moment, and think about the person's future he would have ruined if he had been allowed to carry on in this vein.
You are obviously a strong, well adjusted person, because although you didnt like doing it you faced up to it, and have taken the steps to resolve it.
The next person along may have been the opposite, may have been timid and shy, may even have been vulnerable mentally, or of a nervous disposition.
The he would have ruined this persons life, possibly making them mentally ill, or even pushing someone over the edge.
You actions will have gone a long way to preventing this happening to others.
It may just be the catalyst to turn him into a normal human being!
You SHOULD be angry with him!
I have no clear idea why someone would do this, but I have met a lot of bullies in my life.
I am though 100% certain, that the motivation in my case was not sexual, the intention being humiliation.
An earlier poster said he was a contol freak.
I agree entirely, but would add, also a nasty, nasty bully!
Chin up,
It will soon be over
Good luck Monday
X

ceridwen

gwen80 wrote: »

I'm going to go in, get my head down and stick to my mates like glue all day.



I'm still feeling incredibly guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I'm going to ruin his life. I'm so angry with him for putting me in this situation, where whatever I chose to do would be awful. Why would somebody with a good career, recently married with everything going for him risk it all for this??

Gwenx

Good idea to "stick to mates like glue" on Monday and generally keep a low profile for a bit.

You are right - you absolutely SHOULDNT feel guilty. You have done nothing to feel guilty about - take it from me. I'm sure other people on here will echo this - DO NOT feel guilty lass.

As to why would someone do this? Simple answer - because he had his brains in his trousers frankly. Some men DO keep their brains in their trousers - and that is what they think with at times, rather than that mind in their head:cool:. I've been there myself and thought "But - how stupid of him was THAT? Why on earth.....?" - but that IS how some men think unfortunately. You know its stupid. I know its stupid - but it happens. Some men honestly dont stop and think "Hang on a minute - this doesnt make sense"...they just go ahead and do what they fancy anyway...:(:mad:.

Quite apart from the "brains in trousers" syndrome - there ARE some people (of both sexes) who quite honestly are self-destructive. They almost seem determined to destroy themselves one way or the other - be it with drugs/heavy drinking/acting like a "player" or whatever-other-way they have chosen to destroy themselves. Yes - we know it doesnt make any sense - but there are an awful LOT of people who almost seem to want to destroy themselves and do get up to all sorts of stupid things that make no sense whatsoever to those of us who think more logically and, as a consequence, behave more rationally. So - perhaps he is set on self destruct - and this is his chosen way to do so? If it wasnt you - it would be someone else. If it wasnt sexual shenanigans - it would be drugs or heavy drinking or spending all sorts of money he hasnt got....

So DO NOT feel guilty lass. This really ISNT anything to do with you personally - he would have found some other way somehow sometime to act "darn stupid" in one way or another.

In fact - you may even have done him a favour. This might be the wake up call he needs to take control of his life and start acting more positively.