Colleague issue

ceridwen

WhiteHorse wrote: »

He needs sacking. Save and print off his emails, keep copies for yourself in a secure place (management friends may delete them to protect him), and then report him.

A practical precaution I echo.

Make sure you keep copies of those emails at home - as well as hidden at work.

Now - after having safely secured those emails go to the "top man/woman" pronto.

Totally echo the thought that because you "accepted" the emails he then progressed on to "flashing" and that if you "accept" flashing then something worse will soon happen.

ceridwen

gwen80 wrote: »

Hi Rosa (my old SAID mate, hope you're good ) and everybody else

Thankyou for your advice and opinions. I'm thinking things through. I don't intend to do anything rashly and I know my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I've confided in another colleague at work who I trust to be discreet and she's helping me make sense of things at the moment.

Regarding why I'm not traumatised by what happened yesterday. I'm not really sure myself, to be honest. The only thing I can put it down to at the moment, is the fact that I probably view the guy in question as a randy teenager-type of character. I realise this isn't acceptable and I've considered his behaviour to be inappropriate for a while now, but I guess I've viewed him as more pathetic and immature rather than predatory and dangerous.

Now what happened yesterday has shocked me and I guess I'm reassessing things. I never would have thought him likely to go that far. So that's where I am at the moment.

Thanks again

Gwenx

Regarding "not feeling traumatised" by it - it doesnt actually matter what your feelings are about it RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. The guy did wrong - pure and simple - and what anyone's feelings are about it is irrelevant. He needs to be dealt with appropriately.

Anyway - trust me - you may feel perfectly okay about it right now. However - in years to come - when things have gone into perspective and the benefit of hindsight comes into play = then at that point you will look back and be very angry with your younger self that you didnt take action against him if you leave it.

Just sit a minute and visualise yourself 20 years down the line and say to that "older Self" of yours - "You did nothing - now how do you feel about it? What would you change if you went back through time to 2010 and the incident happened?".

Then sit another minute and visualise yourself 20 years down the line and say to that "older Self" of yours - "You photocopied those emails and then reported him to the appropriate person. Now - how do you feel about it? How do you feel about yourself for having done that?"

I would be willing to bet that - in the first scenario (ie did nothing) you will feel a bit ashamed of yourself/sorry for yourself/angry/worried what else he might have done in the 20 years since. In the second scenario - I bet you feel strong/proud of yourself/and surprised at how you didnt realise at the time of the incident that he'd done this to other people too - but none of them had had the nerve to report him - until you did. So - big pat on the back to you for stopping this guy in his tracks.

Don't ask me how I know.....

RedSoleShoes

Sorry, I've not had time to read all the replies but (as Im sure people have mentioned) this type of behaviour gets people arrested. Arrestable behaviour is generally deemed gross misconduct in the workplace. Unfortunately, you are the 'victim' (in terms of being at the end of criminal behaviour) here and it is always difficult reporting a sexually-related incident, either to your employer or the police.

Regardless of your friendship, or now previous friendship, this is not normal behaviour from a 'flirty' guy, it is an indecent sexual act.

I guess that if you don't feel comfortable reporting it, you should speak to him and let him know that what he did is actually criminal behaviour and you are in two-minds about whether to report him or not. Perhaps the shock of the threat will make him see the seriousness of the situation he created.

RedSoleShoes

Just to add about the shock-delay. Something happened to me a couple of years ago. It wasn't until two full days later that I burst into tears about it and reported it to the police.

hippygran

Gwen,
I wasnt traumatised either for the first few dozen incidents, and I now know I didnt react appropriately to the odd 'flashing' incidents over the three years this went on.
I really believed that if I acted in a certain way he would stop, and really didnt want to be thought of as 'making a fuss about nothing'.
But with hindsight I now am certain I should have acted sooner, then the final incident would not have occurrred!
This means I would not have had to deal with the emotional fall-out of this on a personal level, which was very hard going for me, but also that other (some very younger girls), would have had their nightmare stopped much earlier.
I particulary regret that non-action by myself, meant that others who for their own reasons (he was their boss), also had to put up with his behaviour.
The police told me this type of behaviour would invariably esculate and generally starts of with 'small' things ie comments and gets worse and worse over time.
They sort of confirmed this once they arrested him, as he said he was sorry I was upset, but couldnt see what he had done wrong, although he freely admitted and confirmed my side of the story, both to HR and the police.
Dont leave it until he starts groping you, shoving his hand up your skirt or even worse, or until you find yourself in a room alone with him, when even worse can happen.
I am quite a 'gobby' sort of person, and thought I could cope, but when the last incident occurred, I froze! (I still cant believe I didnt react in the way I thought I would - namely kick him where it hurts!).
I ended up trapped for want of a better word, with him between me and the door. For a full 5 minutes I tried to 'reason' with him, and ended up physically wrestling with him!
I dont even know how long this went on for, but other staff said we were in there for 15 mins before the interuption, and it started as soon as the door shut (it was a yale-type lock so was effectively locked).
By the way, I, thought of him as a friend too - albeit a strange one!

Savvy_Sue

you could of course talk to HR 'in confidence' with a hypothetical question and without naming him: ask what their reaction would be if a man exposed himself in the office.

that might help you realise that this is NOT a trivial matter and one that really does need action.

1984ReturnsForReal_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

you could of course talk to HR 'in confidence' with a hypothetical question and without naming him: ask what their reaction would be if a man exposed himself in the office.

that might help you realise that this is NOT a trivial matter and one that really does need action.

I can't help but think the bloke is actually her husband or fiancee etc.

& it is a joke thread.

bristol_pilot

Assuming this thread is not a wind up...

As a 'bloke' I would say this is an extremely serious matter and should be reported to your line manager and to HR immediately. Do this in person, not by email.

The guy sounds very dangerous to me. It is not normal for a bloke to get his bits out at work under any circumstances. He probably has psychological issues and must be stopped before he does something even worse.

You cannot let this go. How would you feel if you do nothing and you later hear that he raped the office girl? Seriously, do something about this immediately.

whitewing

If it was started as a joke thread (which I can't see that it was tbh) then maybe the best thing to do is to ask for the thread to be deleted and quietly forgotten.

I think in OP's situation, especially if worried about my own job, I would be more inclined to go to the police for advice rather than my employer. Then if she doesn't make a formal police complaint, she still has the option of approaching HR but with the ability to say that she has contacted the police so they will deal with it appropriately from the start.

I don't have experience of this sort of thing though so it kind of works in theory.

Sammyantha

gwen80 wrote: »

How would you have reacted?

There would be some big burly blokes with baseball bats waiting for him outside work, his tyres would be flat, and his windows smashed.

**EDIT

Googlewhacker wrote: »

Whilst what the guy did was wrong you surely can't be condining violence and vandalism?

Oh no I'd rather let him carry on, getting worse and worse over time.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Perhaps you will be leading the campaign to free these murderers

Oh yes, this is exactly what I'm intending to do, obviously. Perhaps when YOU are faced with a situation where you are physically threatened with sexual abuse, you will realise that considering the ethical implications of your actions is far less effective in protecting yourself than administering immediate, possibly violent, action.