Colleague issue

BackOnTrack

This guy sounds like a menace and you owe it to yourself and your colleagues to report this properly. His behaviour could be come more extreme in future put an end to it now.

Sambucus_Nigra

gwen80 wrote: »

Do you think though, that because he's friends with me, he feels more comfortable and is therefore pushing the boundaries? The other complicating factor is that there is a tiny bit of history between us. I used to like him (as more than a friend) and got the impression he liked me ('well, clearly' you're thinking, but not in a pervy way). He seemed nice, normal, intelligent, funny etc, etc and I got the impression that there was a bit of chemistry there. This was all years ago and soon after he'd joined my department. One day we met up out of work, had a few drinks, ended up snogging, but after that he said he didn't want to take things any further. Do you think any of this history is part of why he is being like this?

Thanks

Gwenx

No.

What makes you think he isn't trying this with every girl in the office?

That's just what he wants you to think.

Do yourself, and any future harassment victim a favour - print off all those inappropriate emails, go see the boss, hand them over and tell him or her what happened.

Do it tomorrow. Or today if you haven't left the office.

Do not leave it.

smartpicture

Caroline_a wrote: »

That's appalling. If I were you I would send an email that says words to the effect of 'I found your behaviour on *date* in front of me entirely insulting and unacceptable, and I am letting you know that any subsequent such behaviour, including suggestive comments and emails, will be reported immediately to HR in the form of a complaint of sexual harassment.'

This is the best advice (assuming you won't report it to HR, which obviously you should).

If you do nothing, I'd be seriously concerned that haven't 'got away with' the suggestive emails etc, he progressed to exposing himself to you, and having 'got away with' that, what he will move onto next? You need to protect yourself, seriously, and you need to be 100% clear you're not happy with it.

Writing an email is the correct move, because then if you are forced to report it later because things progress to the next level, he cannot argue that he thought you were 'up for it' or enjoying his attentions. It will be absolutely clear that you considered it harassment and asked him to stop.

Please - do this today.

hippygran

Gwen,
You really must take this further, for yourself, for those to come after, and those who went before you!
This wont be an isolated incident (and even if it were it is still serious enough to take action on).
I had a similar situation, I tried all the methods which have been mentioned here. I tried to ignore it, laugh it off, avoided being alone with him, getting sarky, rude, threatening - all sorts.
And it made it worsre for me as the culpit was young enough to be my son, and was of an equal grade at work as me. I thought I would not be believed, because I was so much older.
It went on for 3 years, and on every occasion it got worse and worse.
It esculated into an incident of quite a mild nature (when compared to previous ones) in front of another staff member who was mortified. This witness to the incident was quite shocked, and fully intended talking to me about it at the first opportunity................... but before this conversation could take place, I found myself alone with with this man, and quite a serious incident occurred, which went on for some time, until someone knocked on the office door!
I was badly shaken, went home without a by your leave, parked up en route, rang a collegue who I made promise to not say anything. Went home, didnt tell by husband because I knew he would confront him.
Spent a sleepless night. Decided to say nothing, but spent hours trying to work a way of not being in contact with this person again.
Went in to work for a run-of-the mill meeting with my manager which had been scheduled some time ahead.
Carried out the meeting. Still wasnt going to say anything.
As my manager was leaving the building, I suddenly blurted it out!
By this time I was in quite a bad way!
The person was disciplined, and suspended and following a disciplinary was sacked, and as the police were involved is now on the sex offenders register.
What came out, by both his own admission, and because others came forward after I had opened the floodgates was that he had been doing this throughout his whole time with the company, to loads of different women, some only 18 years old, who kept quiet because he was their boss.
I still feel sick when I think about it, but I dont regret the fact I said something, because at least others wont go through the same thing.
A person who does this to someone is just a bully, it has nothing to do with sex really, they just like to humiliate people, and should never be in a position work wise where they have any kind of power over others!

lucylucky

^^Thank you for posting the above.

WhiteHorse

He needs sacking. Save and print off his emails, keep copies for yourself in a secure place (management friends may delete them to protect him), and then report him.

MatyMoo

This really is appalling behaviour - please consider hippygran's post very carefully.

RosaBernicia

Hi Gwen

I don't think having snogged someone years ago would make me any more impressed with them flashing me in the office. The only thing it might do is make me glad I had the good sense not to have done anything further with them! As for being friends... friends don't do that, and if one of my friends had done it to me or anyone else I'd still think they needed to be stopped (and sent for psychological help at best).

I understand that you're uncomfortable with the situation but I also agree with the others that he needs to be stopped. I'm not sure that confronting him yourself in any way is a good idea as it could be misinterpreted or twisted. I'd suggest you just go straight to HR with all the evidence and ask their advice. Then everything's on the record and you're protected if you do decide to take any action. I also agree with the advice about saving copies of absolutely everything relevant somewhere outside of work - keep paper copies or email them to a separate account.

I hope this gets sorted for you easily and soon

Rosa xo

gwen80

Hi Rosa (my old SAID mate, hope you're good ) and everybody else

Thankyou for your advice and opinions. I'm thinking things through. I don't intend to do anything rashly and I know my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I've confided in another colleague at work who I trust to be discreet and she's helping me make sense of things at the moment.

Regarding why I'm not traumatised by what happened yesterday. I'm not really sure myself, to be honest. The only thing I can put it down to at the moment, is the fact that I probably view the guy in question as a randy teenager-type of character. I realise this isn't acceptable and I've considered his behaviour to be inappropriate for a while now, but I guess I've viewed him as more pathetic and immature rather than predatory and dangerous.

Now what happened yesterday has shocked me and I guess I'm reassessing things. I never would have thought him likely to go that far. So that's where I am at the moment.

Thanks again

Gwenx

WolfSong2000

Please, please, pease don't let him think he's got away with this. As other have said it may well escalate. I had an incident when I was 16 where an initially friendly man (I'd stopped and asked him for directions, he offered to walk me to my destination) became verbally inappropriate. I did the typical Brit thing and bew it off/ignored it, but it escalated and I ended up in a bad way. Men like him do not understand subtle hints, or indirect comments - you need to be firm, to the point and ideally report him. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to report it, but you're not doing anyone (yourself, his future victims or even him) any favours by letting this slide.