The christmas gift

travelgran

'I know why she does it it's because she knows i was in care as a child and foster care and that my childhood was taken from me and my memories of christmas as a child are very unhappy ones,for this reason i make christmas very magical and special for my children and grandchild.'
So why is it undeserved? Because you made a good life when you came out of care? Because you made Christmas wonderful for her as a child and she wants to continue that? Sometimes it'd hard to overcome feelings of 'not being good enough' or 'not deserving anything' that develop from what happened to us as children.
You wanted her to enjoy Christmas as a child, you could help her enjoy it now but in a different way.
She sounds a credit to you!

creamcrackers

grey_lady wrote: »

It sounds like you have very low self-esteem, Christmas is a special time for kids and perhaps when you were young you absorbed the idea that special gifts were for others but not for you.

Is it just Christmas / birthdays that this kind of thing crops up?
(I mean these guilty or uncomfortable feelings)

yes just at christmas/ birthdays,my birthday is worse i try to ignore my birthdays but my partner and kids don't allow me to.I just want to hide in bed all day. I can do christmas because it's not about me.
it has got better overtime but it's not easy

grey_lady

Lasting ideas about ourself e.g self-worth are formed in childhood and when we find ourselves in situations which conflict with how we feel about ourselves it can make us feel anxious or guilty.

Have you considered counselling? I'd suggest that a person-centred approach might help you resolve some of these feelings.

balletshoes

creamcrackers wrote: »

My daughter is 23 she has a young daughter herself.
Ever since my daughter was little i always spoilt her at christmas buying her everything a child could ever wished for.
which i do the same my 9 year old son I'm not the sort of parent who buys my children gifts throughout the year, my 9 year old earns extra money to save for computer games etc for him self helping me with jobs around the house.

anyway now my daughter is 23 i have reduced the amount of money
i spend on her at christmas which is a hard habbit to break i must say. The problem is now that my daughter earns her own money she spends so much money on expensive gifts for me at christmas, but i wish she wouldn't i've told her time and time again not to waste her money on me.

I know why she does it it's because she knows i was in care as a child and foster care and that my childhood was taken from me and my memories of christmas as a child are very unhappy ones,for this reason i make christmas very magical and special for my children and grandchild. How can i get through to my daughter that the gifts she buys me makes me feel awful and guilty in someway, i know what she is trying to do but christmas for me is about making dreams and wishes come true for everyone else and seeing the smiles hearing the laughter and spending happy times together which is more important to me and not expensive gifts.

i want her to understand the gifts does not matter to me but i don't want to hurt her feelings.
please help.

Your daughter is an adult now, so quite honestly, as long as she's paying her bills, looking after her daughter, and not getting into major debt by buying pressies for you, theres not really a problem is there? Your daughter clearly gets a lot of pleasure out of selecting presents she thinks you'll like, so just appreciate it, and try to stop feeling guilty. As a mum, I know thats easier said than done, but if you've already tried explaining why you don't want her spending her money on you, and she is happy to do it anyway, accept the pressies in the spirit they are given .

creamcrackers

travelgran wrote: »

'I know why she does it it's because she knows i was in care as a child and foster care and that my childhood was taken from me and my memories of christmas as a child are very unhappy ones,for this reason i make christmas very magical and special for my children and grandchild.'
So why is it undeserved? Because you made a good life when you came out of care? Because you made Christmas wonderful for her as a child and she wants to continue that? Sometimes it'd hard to overcome feelings of 'not being good enough' or 'not deserving anything' that develop from what happened to us as children.
You wanted her to enjoy Christmas as a child, you could help her enjoy it now but in a different way.
She sounds a credit to you!

my daughter is so wonderful and is a credit to me.Christmas for me is the one time of year that i feel i can spend as much money as like
and shower the children with gifts without making them into spoilt brats. I make wonderful memories for my children which will be with them forever, to me that's priceless. which my daughter is now doing the same for her daughter with all the same traditions as i do.
That for me is the best gift that i have ever been given which makes me very proud i couldn't ask for anything more than that.

creamcrackers

grey_lady wrote: »

Lasting ideas about ourself e.g self-worth are formed in childhood and when we find ourselves in situations which conflict with how we feel about ourselves it can make us feel anxious or guilty.

Have you considered counselling? I'd suggest that a person-centred approach might help you resolve some of these feelings.

thank you.my past is my past it took me until i was 30 years old getting over my childhood during that time i worked through the
emontions and depression by myself with no help. which was hard learning to understand why i was treated like i was as child but i worked through it. The only problem i have now that comes from my childhood is christmas and birthdays which for some reason i find a little tricky to deal with,but i think that has something to do with self worth which i don't think will ever go.

chatnoir

creamcrackers wrote: »

I know why she does it it's because she knows i was in care as a child and foster care and that my childhood was taken from me and my memories of christmas as a child are very unhappy ones,for this reason i make christmas very magical and special for my children and grandchild. How can i get through to my daughter that the gifts she buys me makes me feel awful and guilty in someway, i know what she is trying to do but christmas for me is about making dreams and wishes come true for everyone else and seeing the smiles hearing the laughter and spending happy times together which is more important to me and not expensive gifts.

This is not the reason! She buys you gifts because you are her mother!
My mum does the same..even though i am 25 she still spends fortunes on me! Last year she bought me a kenwood cake mixer and loads of other bits and pieces. And before I got married and had a mortgage I would spend small fortunes on her at xmas because I could and I know she would never spend that kind of money on herself. She does it cos she loves you! and you could tell her not to spend the money but probably like me she wouldn't listen.

Just accept the gifts as what they are. A gift!

jennikitten

creamcrackers wrote: »

My friend said maybe i should ask for gifts for the house then personal gifts maybe it wouldn't make me feel so bad.

That sounds like a good idea, nice things that will benefit everyone, or joint presents which will be used by others more than you.

But honestly, you do deserve it. Have you spoken to your daughter about how you feel?

creamcrackers

jennikitten wrote: »

That sounds like a good idea, nice things that will benefit everyone, or joint presents which will be used by others more than you.

But honestly, you do deserve it. Have you spoken to your daughter about how you feel?

thank you.yes i have spoken to her she does try to understand but sometimes i think she just feels sorry, and in someway she wants to give me the christmas i never had as a child ,which again i understand.

creamcrackers

chatnoir wrote: »

This is not the reason! She buys you gifts because you are her mother!
My mum does the same..even though i am 25 she still spends fortunes on me! Last year she bought me a kenwood cake mixer and loads of other bits and pieces. And before I got married and had a mortgage I would spend small fortunes on her at xmas because I could and I know she would never spend that kind of money on herself. She does it cos she loves you! and you could tell her not to spend the money but probably like me she wouldn't listen.

Just accept the gifts as what they are. A gift!

the thing is i'm talking about little gifts.she spends hundreds and hundreds of pounds and my partner does the same it's silly really.
after reading all these threads i think i am being a little unfair on my family so i think i will compromise with them and ask for gifts for the house than personal gifts. I just thought i need a new iron so i will ask for a new one.