The christmas gift

creamcrackers

My daughter is 23 she has a young daughter herself.
Ever since my daughter was little i always spoilt her at christmas buying her everything a child could ever wished for.
which i do the same my 9 year old son I'm not the sort of parent who buys my children gifts throughout the year, my 9 year old earns extra money to save for computer games etc for him self helping me with jobs around the house.

anyway now my daughter is 23 i have reduced the amount of money
i spend on her at christmas which is a hard habbit to break i must say. The problem is now that my daughter earns her own money she spends so much money on expensive gifts for me at christmas, but i wish she wouldn't i've told her time and time again not to waste her money on me.

I know why she does it it's because she knows i was in care as a child and foster care and that my childhood was taken from me and my memories of christmas as a child are very unhappy ones,for this reason i make christmas very magical and special for my children and grandchild. How can i get through to my daughter that the gifts she buys me makes me feel awful and guilty in someway, i know what she is trying to do but christmas for me is about making dreams and wishes come true for everyone else and seeing the smiles hearing the laughter and spending happy times together which is more important to me and not expensive gifts.

i want her to understand the gifts does not matter to me but i don't want to hurt her feelings.
please help.

Counting_Pennies_2

Why not say to everyone that you just do one gift at no more than £50 each (I say £50 as it sounds like excessive sums are spent, but less if not)

Do the same for your son too, for any additional things you might want to spoil him with, (so that you are treating both children equally, as you did your DD when she was that age) I would put those items in a stocking for him to open first thing in the day, so it is treated differently.

I would say the reason to your DD is that everyone feels they are all being treated the same and no one feels awkward if someone has more.

It might be a bit late for this year.

If she insists she wants to get you more, why not suggest she buys a spa day voucher for you both to enjoy.

hth

newcook

You could tell her there will be a new rule from now on that if she does insist on buying any presents, they must be a certain amount or under as the main present for you is time with her and her littl’un and your son (and anyone else) – if anything I would imagine that when you were in care the main thing you missed/wanted was loved ones around you.

creamcrackers

Thank you for the ideas,

My gifts for the children have already been brought and wrapped. My daughter wants to take me out shopping for christmas gifts for me which i told her i don't have the time to go as i have to much to do.

I looked at the history on the family laptop because i know she is planning buy certain gifts for me which i don't want.

I love her so much and her intentions are good but it's so difficult for me

Amanda65

creamcrackers wrote: »

i know what she is trying to do but christmas for me is about making dreams and wishes come true for everyone else

And maybe this is the same for your daughter so why deny her the pleasure ? You've obviously brought her up to be a very caring girl and it seems that she wants to do for you what she had. My OH didn't have briliant birthdays / Christmases growing up and we have recently had a similar conversation as when you ask him to make a list he always says he's not bothered and enjoys seeing other people happy but I had to explain the other day that WE like to do that for him as well and he is robbing us of that pleasure .

By all means if you are uncomfortable with the gifts explain to her that you really don't need as much spent and perhaps instead some of the money she would spend could be used for a day out in the nicer weather for you and her. If she says she likes giving the gifts then just accept gratefully and revel in the fact that you have such a lovely daughter who cares so much :T

creamcrackers

Amanda65 wrote: »

And maybe this is the same for your daughter so why deny her the pleasure ? You've obviously brought her up to be a very caring girl and it seems that she wants to do for you what she had. My OH didn't have briliant birthdays / Christmases growing up and we have recently had a similar conversation as when you ask him to make a list he always says he's not bothered and enjoys seeing other people happy but I had to explain the other day that WE like to do that for him as well and he is robbing us of that pleasure .

By all means if you are uncomfortable with the gifts explain to her that you really don't need as much spent and perhaps instead some of the money she would spend could be used for a day out in the nicer weather for you and her. If she says she likes giving the gifts then just accept gratefully and revel in the fact that you have such a lovely daughter who cares so much :T

I really do understand this.I told her the same sort of thing for my Birthday so she took me shopping in London which then i felt i had to buy things for the sake of it just please her. My partner is the same he also spoils me rotten at Christmas. My friend said maybe i should ask for gifts for the house then personal gifts maybe it wouldn't make me feel so bad.

grey_lady

Why do you feel guilty about recieving nice gifts from your family? is it because you don't like the actual gifts they choose?

if so - you could suggest one or two things that you do want, or a charitable donation instead.

Oldernotwiser

I think your background has made it difficult for you to accept that you deserve nice things from the people who love you; this must make it very hard for them.

creamcrackers

grey_lady wrote: »

Why do you feel guilty about recieving nice gifts from your family? is it because you don't like the actual gifts they choose?

if so - you could suggest one or two things that you do want, or a charitable donation instead.

the gifts are always lovely ,I think it's just difficult for me to recieve
them, anyone else it would please them and make them happy
but for me it makes me feel it's undeserved.

creamcrackers

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think your background has made it difficult for you to accept that you deserve nice things from the people who love you; this must make it very hard for them.

i think it is hard for them, but also hard for them to understand how i feel,i suppose Christmas has always been the time that i make dreams come true but my daughter just wants to do the same for me now that she is older and can afford to perhaps i am being selfish.

grey_lady

It sounds like you have very low self-esteem, Christmas is a special time for kids and perhaps when you were young you absorbed the idea that special gifts were for others but not for you.

Is it just Christmas / birthdays that this kind of thing crops up?
(I mean these guilty or uncomfortable feelings)